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(26 Posts)
somewhereawayfromhere Thu 02-Nov-17 09:52:32

So I had an affair, not proud of this, but it happened, I left my husband about 6 months ago. Anyway the guy has just left his wife. I’ve spent a while trying to get over him, saw someone else and now this. Has anyone got together in a real relationship with an affair partner? Does it ever work long term. I know every situation is different, but I’m scared to try it.

Worriedrose Thu 02-Nov-17 12:44:17

Have you been in contact with him? Did he leave her for you?
We don't know the back story, but I guess if you left your DH not for the om then that was the right thing to do.
Sometimes people who are desperately unhappy don't do things their proud of. At least you saw that and ended things with your DH

Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 12:46:40

I had an affair, left dh but def not for om. Ended it with om and had some time alone!! Realised om wasn't that great! Not regret though. Down the line met now dh.
Have some time out for you and take things slow with whoever you meet next!!

carelessproffessional Thu 02-Nov-17 12:46:42

Yes .

Years on, still deeply in love. All is well.

pinkliquorice Thu 02-Nov-17 12:47:33

I was the other woman in an affair, he left his partner after 10 months and we have been together 6 years and have two children.
I’m a bit confused though, you left your partner but no to be with the guy you were having an affair with?
Why did you leave him?

confusionoftheillusion Thu 02-Nov-17 12:52:23

DP and I had an affair for 6 months then left our respective spouses.

5 yrs later we are still madly in love with a baby and another on the way. It hasn’t been easy but that’s all to do with his ex (who never found out about the affair as we ended it before anyone found out.)

If you’re both single what’s holding you back?

BeauchampBelle Thu 02-Nov-17 13:04:22

Yes and yes

SusanDelfino Thu 02-Nov-17 13:06:17

I was the OW. My partner left his wife after we'd been seeing each other for 4 months. He says he didn't leave for me as such but had been unhappy for a long time before that so I was more a catalyst than reason. We are less than a year in but very much in love. There are obviously hard bits to negotiate like feelings of guilt and trying to be respectful to friends and family members. We shall see how we are in ten years time.

DinaCaliente Thu 02-Nov-17 13:37:16

Yes and yes, but my advice is don't rush into anything.
You're both just out of marriages. Give it a bit of time, be friends for a while.

K0729P Thu 02-Nov-17 14:28:25

If you think it has every possibility of working out then go for it, you are both single.

However, I'd be cautious if I were either of you, as the trust factor would be hard to build. How do you know he wont do the same to you or you may be tempting elsewhere again?

Myheartbelongsto Thu 02-Nov-17 14:34:01

There are loads of available men.

Why be with someone who has no respect for others and is deceitful.

Surely you want better for yourself than being with a cheating shit.

I'd also work on yourself and try and find your own self respect.

BadHatter Thu 02-Nov-17 17:03:31

@Myheartbelingsto OP is a “cheating shit” as well... your question pertains to her as well.

WitchesHatRim Thu 02-Nov-17 17:06:17

Surely you want better for yourself than being with a cheating shit.

Well @Myheartbelongsto the OP was cheating too so are you calling her a cheating shit too?

WitchesHatRim Thu 02-Nov-17 17:06:58

Cross posts with BadHatter

ChristmasLists Thu 02-Nov-17 17:14:32

I left XH for now DP - didn’t have an affair but knew I wanted to be with him. He was single though. Worst bit for me was that I needed to tell XH my head had been turned by him as no other reason to leave and I hate myself for telling him as he is convinced we’d been having a long affair as he didn’t believe I’d leave without trying out the new goods first.

DP and I are very much in love but it’s been rocky and very difficult. We have our DC us now and I have to keep it in my mind that DC was sent for us and that’s why the my marriage ended in the way it did.

I still miss my XH but I do see now we’d have struggled on rather than having the bits of life that my DP and I have in amongst the stress.

TheNaze73 Thu 02-Nov-17 17:16:32

By and large, affairs do work out

TammyswansonTwo Thu 02-Nov-17 17:30:35

My husband and I were friends initially. Both of us were with other people so nothing happened for a few years. By that point, we were both stuck in really shitty relationships and there were reasons on both sides which made just breaking up complicated. We ended up having an affair for a few months which was horrendous all round really. We tried to stay away from each other until we could get our respective situations resolved but that didn't really go so well.

We both left our relationships, I moved in with him very quickly, we've been together 10 years and married for 7. I've never cheated before or since, and we have no trust issues whatsoever. I think if the situations had been different though, we would have both broken up with our partners before anything happened, but it was extremely complicated and took time for both of us to extricate ourselves.

I think it depends entirely on the situation, why it was an affair rather than the other person just leaving their partner and so on.

Blackandpurple Thu 02-Nov-17 19:47:48

I had an affair with a bloke i worked with for 3 yrs 23 yrs ago. I was single, he had a long term GF.

We have been together for 20 yrs, married 11 and have 3 kids.

And I certainly don't feel guilty.

jeaux90 Thu 02-Nov-17 20:15:22

I've seen plenty of them work out yes

theredjellybean Thu 02-Nov-17 21:50:36

Dp and I had an affair, then his then wife found out, we thought we had to try to give our marriages a go as children involved, never fully broke contact though.
Affair resumed and continued for several years.
We did eventually leave our marriages and have been together for over 5yrs now.
Very happy... And my dexh and I get on well, he has new same sex partner (explained yrs of a celibate marriage).
Dp ex wife not so easy.
Kids all fine with it

somewhereawayfromhere Thu 02-Nov-17 23:27:11

Thanks for all the replies, it’s nice to hear it can work. Yes, left because I just felt to do what I did, I must not love him any more. Was worried about doing it, because of the kids, but they seem ok. I had fallen for OM. I guess I just wondered if it ever works, because everything on the internet gives the impression that it won’t.

Myheartbelongsto Thu 02-Nov-17 23:54:02

Read the threads on here from women that are being cheated on and it might help you see the reality of what you're doing.

kittensinmydinner1 Fri 03-Nov-17 01:00:00

Your question was does it work out. ? In my experience yes. 15 yrs ago. Still head over heals.
Sometimes people are just married to the wrong person. Trite comments from Internet forums like ‘once a cheat always a cheat’ are not helpful. It really does depend. There are without doubt some serial shaggers out there who love the thrill of the new. These are not people who leave their spouses. Those who leave are normally quite unhappy, and the affair part is usually fairly short lived. It being the catalyst needed to make the change.
Yes, of course it’s horrible for the ‘left’ spouse. It doesn’t mean that the new relationship won’t last though.
In my case DH ex wife had a new relationship within 6 Weeks (reality is 18 months before DH left his ‘cold’ marriage..) My ex DH remarried v happily 2 yrs later and we are v close. DH ex much more problematic. Used kids as missiles. Despite remarriage to boyfriend over ten years ago .

Macaroni46 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:06:17

There are also people who deny their partners any intimacy for years on end, refuse to acknowledge there’s a problem or to work to resolve the problem leaving their partner with a stark choice. Remain celibate for ever against your will or leave, quite possibly when you don’t want to.
I know of couples where one partner has been heartbroken by the other’s refusal to discuss the lack of intimacy issue (I’m not necessarily just referring to sex, a lack of affection in general) and who ended up having an affair. The marriage ended in the end but the partner and the partner who cheated is generally being seen as the baddie. But imo the partner who imposed the celibacy is equaling to blame.

Macaroni46 Fri 03-Nov-17 18:09:17

Sorry, posted too soon! What I meant was, the partner who had the affair is being regarded as the marriage wrecker by most of the couples friends.
I also meant to write that in this situation where you still love your partner but they are refusing to be intimate with you I can understand why you might be tempted to cheat

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