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DH doesn't get how difficult I'm finding this

(59 Posts)
dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:10:10

I'm suffering with all day morning sickness and I'm off work as a result. DD goes to childcare some days, although I'm at home taking care of her for maybe 1.5 days per week. The full day on my own is horrendous, I struggle to cope.
This week, DH has made a mistake with out childcare arrangements, telling them we didn't need them on a day that we did. By the time he realised, it was too late to rearrange. I asked him to sort out an alternative, leaving it with him as there was nobody I could think of to step in.
True to form, DH has not communicated the lack of childcare arrangements to me until last night (the day we don't have childcare is today). He told me "you have to do it, we have no choice, I can't have the day off work."
This may seem small for some 'it's only one extra day afterall' but genuinely, a full day of looking after DD, preparing meals, entertaining her whilst I'm so sick all day is just dreadful.
I'm spending full days in bed some days where I can. And, if I'm too ill to work, how can I be expected to take care of a toddler all day for 2 days in a row? 1 was more than enough.
I'm not sure he fully appreciates and acknowledges how difficult I'm finding this. He's having to do a lot of the practical stuff- cooking etc as it makes me sick but he seems so resentful and tired of my complaining. I don't know how to get him to fully realise how difficult this is, I am in no fit state to take care of DD for 2 days on the trot whilst feeling this poorly. The day ahead seems such a mountain to climb... DD is 2.5 and can not entertain herself. I just want ro curl up into a ball on the sofa all day and shut my eyes...

try2hard Thu 02-Nov-17 08:29:21

My daughter is a similar age so I know how hard it is without sickness let alone with it flowers

Practically though he won't realise how hard it is because he's probably focusing on how hard done by he is for having to pull his weight.

I'd suggest upping your dd childcare and if he says you can't affford it then he can come back to look after her.

Have you been to the doctors though? There are lots of things they can give you to help.

KarateKitten Thu 02-Nov-17 08:35:47

You are right, he is wrong. But he'll never understand how bad it is.

I get severe MS every time till about 18 weeks and am literally barely able to lift my head to puke 6 times a day. I've 3 under 4 as well this time round and desperately hated the weekends. My DH works a lot every weekend and I just didn't cope. It was horrific. But I'd been there so many times before I just lived in the moment and knew it would eventually end. Loved weekdays as I work from home and have a nanny who looked after me like an extra child. But even the 2 hrs after work were unbearable at times.

Utterly horrific.

dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:38:05

The doctor is reluctant to give me anything at all, they have been v supportive but as my symptoms do improve with the more rest I get, they just keep issuing sick notes at the moment and said they won't go down the medication route unless absolutely necessary. I think theyre waiting to see if symptoms continue into the 2nd trimester.
Thing is, DH just sees it as me being at home and so available childcare. He possibly could have put DD into another childcare setting for the day today as a one off which he wanted to do, but somewhere she has never been before, with a carer she doesn't know very well. I said this wasn't an option as I didn't feel it was fair on DD, so I guess in his eyes, I've chosen to have her at home with me. I don't think it's fair to upset DDs normality just because DH messed up with our usual childcare arrangements. But it's me who is now suffering.

Venusflytwat Thu 02-Nov-17 08:41:06

Right. Telly and (non smelly) snacks today. She won’t die if she eats crisps and grapes for a day. Get out into the fresh air for an hour if you can.

I’ve had two HG pregnancies and they were some of the darkest days of my life.

Are you able to keep on top of eating and drinking yourself, little and often?

Lastly: go to a different GP and get some anti sickness drugs. There is no need for you to struggle on like this.

Cricrichan Thu 02-Nov-17 08:45:35

Make sure he understands that women are hospitalised for this condition, this isn't just feeling a bit sick. Some women have terminated their pregnancies because they felt so horrendous.

I was lucky in mine that I had no sickness and if I felt a bit queasy a bit of food sorted me out but I have plenty of friends who had a horrendous time.

rotavixsucks Thu 02-Nov-17 08:45:59

Having suffered with Hyperemesis, I can sympathise. Unfortunately husbands cannot experience what you are going through...it took 3 months of my husband waking up to me passed out on the bathroom floor and puke everywhere, he only accepted that I couldn't cook him dinner when I took it out the oven and was sick over it for him to actually realise that I wasn't joking.

Could you have a duvet/sofaday with DD? Get hubby to make some sandwiches/lunch for DD which you can keep in the room with you. Have some books ready to read, tv/DVD's and snuggle up together.

Forget the housework/dinner that can wait and DH can sort himself out when he gets back from work.

AtlanticWaves Thu 02-Nov-17 08:46:38

Definitely try and get some anti-sickness meds.

I didn't for DS1 because I was stupid. I was sick every day for the whole 9 months and it was horrendous. All I did when I wasn't at work was lie down. I couldn't do anything.

With DS2 it started just as bad but because I needed to work and look after DS1 I took the meds. They helped enormously! I was still sick every day for 9 months but only once a day instead of 10 times. And whenever the nausea would get really strong I'd look at the clock and realise it was time for another tablet.

I worshipped those tablets!!!!

Mimosa1 Thu 02-Nov-17 08:46:53

I second Venus's message. I had medication in both pregnancies and it helped immensely. If anyone suggests ginger, you're allowed to thump them - fact wink

LittleBirdBlues Thu 02-Nov-17 08:49:06

I feel your pain op mit in sickness I'd debilitating.

However I also feel you are being harsh on your partner. It sounds like he did arrange an alternative childcare setting but you didn't think it was good enough for our DD. While I understand your sentiment surely it would have been OK as a one off? You can't expect your DH to arrange everything around you perfectly while you feel this way. It's an extra load for him too. You have to make compromises and be understanding and acknowledge his contributions.

dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:49:24

How anyone can stomach ginger when feeling like this, I don't know 😣

LittleBirdBlues Thu 02-Nov-17 08:49:35

Argh, typing on phone with one hand, sorry about the typos....

dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:51:32

I don't think the childcare would have been available to him anyway LittleBird had DH checard if it was. He could have checked if it was possible, but he didn't actually check either.

blackteasplease Thu 02-Nov-17 08:52:49

Sounds awful!

Yanbu, he is, but you may not be able to change that particular day now. As everyone has said, sofa and telly day, non smelly snacks to eat. Get dh to at least buy the snacks etc in.

Then try another really good conversation about how he cannot do this to you again. ALSO try doctors for medication.

It is frustrating to have to take meds if rest will do the trick though!

wheresthel1ght Thu 02-Nov-17 08:55:04

At the risk of being awful (and I do empathise as I had horrific hg for my whole pregnancy) but you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

You told him to arrange alternative childcare which you ten drip feed that he did but you refused to let your dd go. I get how hard it is, but having a pop at him when actually he did do what you asked.

However, as someone who couldn't breathe without throwing up at one point I urge you to go to a different GP and demand anti sickness medication. If you haven't been completely honest about how bad the sickness is they will delay using it, but I promise it will make things manageable. IME it didn't stop the feeling sick but it did stop me being physically sick

dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:58:40

I now wish I'd got him to prepare sandwiches for lunch etc before he left for work this morning. I felt guilty enough asking him to bring some cereal to me in bed before getting up.
He's v busy at work, I wish he could switch off from it when at home so he can think things through a bit more.

Butterymuffin Thu 02-Nov-17 09:00:42

When you're able to, speak to your usual childcare and book your DD in solidly from now on. It sounds a bit like your bookings change a lot? What's her usual pattern for being there when you're at work? Anyway, just do it so you know you won't have this again - if it costs more it will be worth it for this period of time.

Venusflytwat Thu 02-Nov-17 09:01:45

Ring your GP now and ask for an emergency appt. take your daughter with you.
You could have the mess by lunchtime.

2014newme Thu 02-Nov-17 09:01:46

Could you hire an emergency nanny? I've had to do it when I was injured.
Could you get a local babysitter or mother's help? Even I'd they looked after her for 2 hours while you lie down.
Have you texted everyone you know to ask if they could have dd for a hour or so?

Venusflytwat Thu 02-Nov-17 09:01:57

Meds

whiskyowl Thu 02-Nov-17 09:02:36

Honestly, he is being an absolutely selfish pig.

You asked him to sort this out, and he hasn't. At all. He's just dumped it on you.

I'd be forcing him to take the child to work, or to take the day off as emergency leave to sort it out. The trouble is, there is no consequence to him of his disorganised behaviour, because he just assumes you'll step in. Giving him a dose of how life would be if here were the sole care provider wouldn't be a bad lesson. What a dick.

2014newme Thu 02-Nov-17 09:04:16

Yes ask nursery to have her every day till you feel better. They may be able to have her today if another child has called in sick

NataliaOsipova Thu 02-Nov-17 09:06:19

Emergency nanny? Expensive, but I've done it when DH had to go to a meeting and I had a gastric bug. You're still in the house, so it's more like someone coming round to play with DD than her being sent off to a strange place. If you google "emergency nanny", you should get some links. I think an agency called Tinies do it too?

(The two nannies who came were very nice and very professional, by the way!)

2014newme Thu 02-Nov-17 09:07:39

Yes my emergency nanny was actually a mothers help as I was on the house but injured and not able to move. She looked after my twins and with being asked she hooked erred, mopped floors and hung washing out when they were asleep

Penfold007 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:12:29

You told him to arrange alternative childcare, he did. You rejected those arrangements.
Do as has been suggested above, ring your childcare provider and book your daughter in for the next couple of weeks, contact GP for an emergency appointment and get anti sickness medication. Finally have a duvet day with DD binge watching CBeebies or similar. Hope you soon feel better.

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