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Would you be a 'grass'?

(52 Posts)
bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 08:09:20

Not really a relationship topic but not sure where to post.
Husbands ex who he has a child with claims all the benefits as a single parent and works 16 hours.

She also works cash in hand getting around £300 a week. I won’t say what the job is but she works mostly nights. It is nothing dodgy before anyone says anything.

Usually it’s 4 days/ nights a week she does. But the last 2 weeks it’s been every night. Now when she tries to FaceTime his child, he gets a message back saying she’s at work. She also does 16 hours in her other job.

Dh is really worrying over 1: who has the child when she works nights. Sometimes it’s her mum but others she won’t say.

2: how often she is with the child as the child goes to school then the mother starts work at 4pm. We have the child on a weekend - Friday to Sunday.

3. When she’s not working, she’s out. Never has been one to be able to give her social life up for her child.

He never misses a payment in maintenance before anyone asks if he contributes. He does.

He is seriously thinking about ringing hmrc and saying about her extra work. She will be getting £500 a week with these extra nights easy.

She is a very difficult person and thinks she’s gods gift because she’s raising a child on her own. She gives dh clear instructions on what the child is and isn’t allowed to do.

This has all kicked off because she found out the child had sweets when with us and apparently ‘not allowed sweets’ her attitude was terrible towards him when she collected the child but it was clear to see she was hungover from the weekend.

She accused dh of being a bad dad etc etc. It’s really brought him down. Over a packet of sweets lol.

Now I know she is allowed to do what she wants, work what she wants, have the social life she wants etc. But it really is getting to dh and the affect it has on the child being passed around while she works or goes out.

I’ve explained the affect it might have on the child if he does make that phone call and hmrc take action against the ex.

It does really piss me off though that some families struggle to make ends meet - ours been one - while others just take advantage of the whole benefit system living the high life. She will get tax credits, housing benefit, possibly income support which I bet covers her rent as her house isn’t that expensive. Then the money from her other job plus her cash in hand job.

Plus this woman isn’t nice. She’s done so much - this isn’t my first post about her and probably won’t be the last. She’s been physically violent towards my husband, bruised his arm not too long ago. When they were together she made him open a catalogue, spent £3000 on it and then kicked him out leaving him with the bill. She’s a nasty piece of work.

I should also explain that they live 40 mins away from us so it isn’t really possible to have the child anymore while she works.

Should I try stop him being a ‘grass’ or let him do it? I feel for the child in both ways here.

dothetwister Thu 02-Nov-17 08:31:36

My advice would be not to get involved and let your partner deal with his ex as he sees fit.
However, I think being a 'grass' could turn things rather nasty and could create more problems for the child. She does sound like a nasty piece of work. I think some meditation is needed to discuss childcare going forward, also your partner is the child's parent also, he has a choice whether to give him/her sweets or not. There needs to be talks. Serious talks. But without your involvement x

SandyY2K Thu 02-Nov-17 08:36:20

I would not report her, but if I was the Ex, I'd look into ensuring his child is looked after by a responsible adult while she is at work .

That would be my main concern.

ZepellinBend Thu 02-Nov-17 08:37:19

If working she wouldn't get income support but working tax credit. Believe me living on benefits while working 16 hours is not living the high life.

Tricky - although I hate people defrauding the system I probably wouldn't say anything. So soon after they have had a disagreement it wouldn't take much for her to put two and two together as to who shopped her in and there may be reprecussions there.

It's his decision though, all you can do is support him but I would say to think it through carefully.

Smeaton Thu 02-Nov-17 08:37:37

If your OH wants to take this action i would strongly suggest that a court ordered visitation arrangement is in place. The first thing she will do is stop him seeing his child otherwise.
Secondly, I'm not sure if its what you meant but there is a dedicated benefit cheat phone number and website I believe.

Personally, I'd leave him to it and be there as support but don't push in either direction lest blame fall at your door in the future.

TammyswansonTwo Thu 02-Nov-17 08:40:39

I'm sure she's not doing this extra job for the fun of it - working 16 hours a week and then working nights too, and looking after a child? She is doing it because she needs the money. Reporting her would jeapordise the child's financial stability. I can't even imagine how hard it is being a single parent.

patsy999 Thu 02-Nov-17 08:40:55

She wont get income support if she works it will be tax credits and she can earn up to £26000 on that. You really dont know the ins and outs.
plus its none of your business.

TSSDNCOP Thu 02-Nov-17 08:43:13

No, I don't think dobbing her in is going to enhance relations. If DH has safe guarding concerns that's surely a matter for him to raise initially by letter or email and if no adequate response via solicitor.

InternetHoopJumper Thu 02-Nov-17 08:44:09

I agree with dot. You shouldn't get involved. It sucks your husband has baggage and that this affects him emotionally a lot, because obviously you are going to notice that and be affected by it to. However, there really is nothing you can do here. This is up for your husband to solve.

TheVoiceOfTreason Thu 02-Nov-17 08:47:49

Meh, I'm going to go against the tide here. Benefit fraudsters cost the system, cost the tax payer (i.e. The rest of us) and give a bad name to legitimate claimants. Frankly, the more benefit fraudsters get stopped, the more there is in the pot for those who genuinely need it and are fleecing the system.

I have no more time for benefit fraudsters than I do for tax evaders or any other kind of fraudsters/thieves.

I'd do anonymous referral to the DWP (it's them that deals with benefit fraud, not HMRC)

That's just my personal opinion, but its been posted as a "what would you do" question, and that's what I would do personally. Different people will of course have different views, which they are entitled to.

0nesie Thu 02-Nov-17 09:04:06

Report her! It's fraud and means everyone else loses out because she isn't paying in. Imagine if everyone did that. Also a bit rich complaining about her child being given sweets (presumably a bad example) if she is committing fraud!

Btw, you can report her anonymously online.

BitchQueen90 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:08:58

I work 16 hours a week and get help from tax credits. Quite frankly it's nobody else's business and I do it because it's an absolute bloody pain to get wrap around childcare and I have no help. If your DH can't help out more with childcare then it's up to her to do what she feels is appropriate while she is at work and it's not your business.

The cash in hand business - first of all how do you know she is not declaring it? I doubt she'd offer up that information. If she is then yes it's wrong but honestly I would be too concerned for the child to report it.

If it's safeguarding you're both concerned about then go to court for full custody.

bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:11:08

I haven’t said it is my place to get involved if you read my post!! This is all my husband not me. I am looking for advice on his behalf.

The ex needs bringing off her high horse to be honest. I am in total agreement with my hubby on that. She acts like she’s the only single mother in the world. She acts like dh plays no part in his life and does nothing for him. She acts like she’s the one that does everything for him when in actual fact her mum does everything for him while she works and goes out. That’s the reality.

And actually I do know how the benefit system works. I’m a mother and my child is disabled so therefore I claim benefits. And claimed full benefit before I met my husband so I do know the system and know tax credits is £26000 a year. However she is getting way too much with what she earns. That’s the point.

None of this is my point, it’s my post but hubbys views. Like I said, my concern is the child so if it were me then I wouldn’t do it. I am not going to get involved however I am there for my dh. He asked on how he could get more advice so I suggested posting on here. He agreed. But I totally forgot how Mumsnet does anything to bring people down rather than give helpful advice.

NeganLovesLucille Thu 02-Nov-17 09:16:01

Definitely let your husband report her. If she is claiming benefits that she is not entitled to then she needs to be stopped. DWP will find out whether she is or not. Many people have have had their benefits or PIP reduced unfairly so how is it morally right that she shoukd perhaps claim money that she is not entited to.

I would report someone if I thought they were doingthis. It's wrong and stealing and fraud.

bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:16:41

Unfortunately dh has proof that she does. He asked her in a text. And her reply was ‘yeah still her cash, do what I have to do to live’

It’s not so much the money part of it. It’s the fact she will not say who has care the child when it’s not the grandmother. In the past month she’s left the child over night with someone from school - no idea who. The child stayed at that persons house.

She’s left the child with a friend of a friend over night too.

Both these occasions so she can go out - not work. Dh doesnt get asked if we can have the child. He only found this out afterwards. Dh goes out of his mind with who is looking after his child.
And that I understand - even though it’s none of my business as people keep pointing out to me - I am married to this man which makes this child my stepchild who I care for very much. So I am also concerned and have every right to be

bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:18:16

Negan - totally. My child gets dla and because of all the cut backs, I don’t think it will be renewed when the time comes. Purely because the fact this reason.

bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:18:31

*of this reason

Thinkingofausername1 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:20:31

You don’t know why she is entitled to it. There might be reasons you don’t know about. If she has dLa, she is allowed to work. Tread carefully. Do things for the correct reason not out of spite.

Ttbb Thu 02-Nov-17 09:21:26

Let him do what he wants.

Littlechocola Thu 02-Nov-17 09:23:06

You both sound more upset about the amount of money she’s earning than the possibility of the child not being cared for properly.

How old is the child?

Smeaton Thu 02-Nov-17 09:23:56

The ex needs bringing off her high horse to be honest

So its revenge driven more than anything else?

She acts like dh plays no part in his life and does nothing for him. She acts like she’s the one that does everything

That's likely because that's how she feels. Working two jobs, relying on others to care for her child etc.

Its ieresting you say you like 40 mins away so can't do more... 40 minutes... People commute daily twice and triple that. I assume one of you drives. Its hardly trekking the Andes.

I don't know why you've gone defensive and accused people of 'Bringing you down', you asked, people have answered based on limited information.

If its jealousy that she's earning money and going out then that's stupid.
If its concern she's screwing benefit system, that's valid and I'd question whether to report or not too.

But if its concerns over child's welfare... That's different. Basically hes concerned enough to report her and land her and, by extension, her child into financial shit, not concerned enough to drive 40 minutes... Priorities seem skewed.

Unfortunately I think he's just jealous, otherwise reporting wouldn't have come up. He'd be offering more childcare or heading to court for custody and doing what's best for the child, not just trying to drag the mum down.

bitzy12 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:24:34

I get dla not her

Santawontbelong Thu 02-Nov-17 09:27:39

Your dh should be at her door when he knows she is at work and find out exactly who is watching his dc.
Report to Ss /police if not happy with the findings.
My exh left my 3x ds home alone while he worked /went to the pub every evening he had them .
Something worth mentioning.

ZepellinBend Thu 02-Nov-17 09:28:14

But you said your dh can't take the child more so why would she ask?

Honestly I think mediation is the way to go. I do understand, my friend's ex is a nightmare which is why I said to be careful as I've seen him go through her playing up with access.

If you read your post back his main motivatation seems to be to get back at her in some way, not really healthy either.

HadronCollider Thu 02-Nov-17 09:30:15

I think your DH should provide the extra £300 she needs or keep out of it.

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