Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husbands running away again...(71 Posts)
So husband has left me again..
Brief sad story
2 years ago we had a nice life or so I thought we owned a company together were happy I thought. Husband was stressed and anxious work gave him anxiety and ocd but I supported him. Then one day he said he didn’t feel well was going home and then later in the day called me home to say he was leaving and he didn’t love me. He’d put all his stuff in storage and went off on his motorbike.
So in a day I lost him, my job, and was heartbroken. A few months later he wanted to come back said it was a mistake and now he didn’t have the work stress he was still in love with me.
We moved counties last year to be nearer my only family my older sister, he wasn’t happy there so a year later we moved counties again.. all this time he’s had 5 jobs now has one he’s always wanted but he’s stressed again and tonight came home and says it’s not working and he’s leaving.
Quite honesty writing this down I feel like a fool, I know it’s late and I don’t expect replies but writing it down at least stops me crying or worse!
We have no children and have been married 17 years.
What an stupid old fool I am.
You are not a good. You are hurting.
I'm so sorry
He's the fool
Please don't take him back again though. He will never make you happy. You will always be waiting for him to shit all over you again.
I know writing it down helps, not with how he’s ruined my life.
I need to get angry not sad and feeble
No, you’re not a fool, you are a nice, loving and trusting person. The problem is he can’t cope. Not your fault, maybe not his either.
So now you need to love yourself, protect yourself, and take steps to move on.
In the first instance, make yourself a cup of tea, either with sugar or a biscuit. You need sweet things to deal with shock. Try to get some sleep, then start planning for what you need to do in the short term. Also think of lovely things you can do in the longer term. Need not be expensive, perhaps thingsvyiu always liked but he didn’t , like country pubs or long baths.
To be honest, it sounds as though he doesn’t have a clue what he wants from life.
If he has been like this for 17 years, I suspect he’s unlikely to —grow up— change now.
None of this sounds at all fair on you OP. You’re not a fool but maybe now’s the time to think long & hard about what it is you want from life? And maybe it’s not his constant messing around.
Don't think of yourself as a fool. He's the fool, moving jobs and homes and all the upheaval that causes.
Let him go. He's done it before after all. Just tell him no crawling back this time. You've had enough crap.
Be strong for yourself. He's weak, you aren't.
Blaming you, blaming stress, blaming the job, blaming the country.
The constant is him.
Thanks to anyone up and replying the night is a horrible time to be heartbroken.
I’m not strong but I’ve seen posts on here where in a few months time the ladies have moved on and it gives me hope.
We’ve wasted so much money on moving, him being out of work, now I’m going to be th done to suffer.
Really I need to get angry
He said he dosent make me happy.
He was my world, I knew he suffers with anxiety and depression he’s on antidepressants for it just been to the doctors and she upped the dose.
No advice really, it hurts like hell I know. You will get over it, you just need time. I found recovering wasn't a straight path, but full of twists and turns, some days good, then some bad.
Take care of yourself, it's not you who is the fool.
Take it one hour at a time. Remind yourself.it will not always hurt as much as it does now.
Please don't hang too much hope on this being mental health related. I don't doubt he has real problems but for your own sanity you need to act on his words and actions for what they are. He cannot provide you long term stability and that is no way to live. It sounds like he is constantly needing to chop and change the big things in his life and unfortunately that, to me, smacks of him being fundamentally unhappy and not having the balls to face the real issues head on.
Oh for fuck's sake, the arsehole! Oh I'm so sorry @Glitterpony!! How shitty indeed!!
I do think you deserve some time to be sad, love. What a bastard. What a shit he is, to string along the lovely woman who has stood by his side through the years, and jerk you around, and fuck you over, and in such a stupid, selfish, thoughtless, and childish way. He's a right bastard isnt he! But I know it still hurts. There's obviously a reason you were together so long, so of course it hurts.
But I do hope you find your anger. It's a wonderful weapon, and armour, to have at a time like this.
Can you go out and pamper yourself, spoil yourself for a bit? Go and do something he would never happily do with you, and enjoy it without his moaning. Or go get a bottle of wine
or 6 and get rat arsed and shout about him with a mate. Or go buy something beautiful and expensive, just for yourself, and just enjoy looking at it / looking lovely in it. Go get a drastic, cool, young, new hair style, and dye it fire engine red or something completely mad, and go out on the town and chat up all the fit young men like a real cougar!
Maybe if you can get him and his shit self off your mind for a bit, you'll come back to the issue angry?
Oooooh, what a Grade A Bastard he is.
(goodness, this is a sweary post!)
Love your post.
But as for real life friends I don’t have many we worked together in a mainly male industry and having moved and changed part time jobs 3 times I’ve not built up a network of friends.
I don’t have parents, they died when I was young just a sister 16 yrs my senior and her husband has just had a huge op for terminal lung cancer and she’s 2 hours away.
I feel very alone, scared and cannot imagine my life right now.
I should add he did this 6 months before he left the second time but rang after a night away saying he’d made a mistake.
He’s not a happy person, troubled childhood etc on antidepressants but “isn’t making me happy” too right he isn’t!
Oh and I should add he thinks I shouldn’t say nasty things as he’s trying to be reasonable!
Also I shouldn’t say nice things as that’s wrong too.
I don't think you can help him any more, look up the side effects of his meds and if it's not that which is causing him to behave this way, then give yourself time to sit back and take stock.
It will take time to process the hurt and at times you will go one step forward and quite a few back, but it will work out for you.
After you've travelled that road awhile, try to look at your situation not from the perspective of losing him and your life together, but instead try and see what you are gaining, freedom and independence to be able to choose what you want to do for you.
Time to put yourself first. Sit down and spend a bit of time working out where you want to live - near your sister again? abroad? - and what work you want to do. How do you like to spend your time, what is important to you, do you want to help others less fortunate than you? This is your chance to build the life you want.
Make sure you plan and include plenty of small treats for yourself daily, which need not cost much money - there are some great threads on MN about this.
I don't think you can, or should, work around him any more. He is not a partner to you and you need to free yourself from him and move on because at the moment he is preventing you from building a satisfying life for yourself.
I understand what you say about lost money and opportunities but that is in the past and it will be easier for you if you see it as a learning experience from which you have emerged stronger. Many of us have had to rebuild our lives after years spent with dodgy men (30 in my case). Believe me that you can choose a better life and that your past experiences do not need to define your future. Once the blinkers come off you will see this is the beginning of your freedom.
You are not a fool. You were kind and trusting and he has betrayed you with his chipping and chopping. He is simply a man child and now needs to sort out his own mess. Get to a lawyer ASAP and get the relationship property sorted so you can lay the foundations of your new life. Do it immediately and whilst he is feeling guilty, because he will turn nasty down the line. I say this from bitter experience and I would implore anyone in this situation to take this kind of action straight away, however difficult.
He sounds very very messed up. You’ve been carrying him for far too long. Odds on he will try to come back. But this cycle will also most likely repeat again. This is no way to live.
Please be very kind to yourself. Take this opportunity to extricate you from this marriage once and for all. He is treating you appallingly. Remember this feeling of pain and use it to remind yourself of how much easier it will be when you are no longer married to this man.
You deserve happiness
My dads cousins husband did this to her after 23years married. They had no children , her parents were dead and she had no siblings few friends as they had done everything together and a tiny family just my dad and us. She was very ill at the start loat so much weight and couldnt eat or sleep. He came and left about 3times until he when for good. When he left for good she became stronger and started going to a tennis club she has bulit up friendships and is doing really well. They spilt up about 18mths after my wedding and in the photos she looks ill very stressed and old. My sister got married last year and in the pics she looks ten years younger. Happy and not stressed at all. It wont be easy but you will get through it and youll be a happier person for it good luck xxx
Thanks all. It’s now morning he’s in the house but ignoring me. I’m getting ready for work and I didn’t sleep a wink. In the spare room however someone else did.
You need to stop focusing on him - on what he's doing, how he feels, what he says, what he thinks - and make some time to think about what you want. If necessary (& possible) try and book a few sessions with a counsellor, someone trained to help you recognise what is his influence on you talking, and what's actually your voice starting to come through. You're far too conditioned to put him first after all the messing about he's done and you've done enough of that now.
I agree with others who say that he will probably want to come back at some point in the future, only to walk again. Whatever his motives, he is deeply selfish and cruel. If I were you, I would focus on my plans for the future: the business, finances, personal life and goals. I would also visit CAB or similar to get your ducks in a row. He is highly unpredictable, do you have a joint bank account or savings together than he could access and empty?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.