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Relationships

So do abusive husbands ever change!.?

35 replies

Ladiesfirst · 01/11/2017 20:26

History from of "us" met 8 years ago married after 6 years. Two pregnancies losses within 5 mins of marriage the first one quiet horrific as totally shocked to be pregnant and then shocked to be told baby wouldn't live. 2 years later DS born by IVF, I rapidly developed pretty bad PND ... Much unresolved from first preg loss. Baby 2 arrived last July after more IVF and also had another bout of PND not so bad and feel over it now.

DH is not an easy character. Always the smart arse, wants to be centre of attention, pulls me up in every single little thing I ever do wrong - in his view ( untidiness/ lateness / forgetfulness typical) stands over me frequently at bathrobe telling m whether the kids should or shouldn't have a hair wash, wants to have or DD curls cut off as doesn't like untidy hair ,,,, it is beyond wearing now and I wait every day expecting him to start at me for something ... Even the other day he was sitting in bed saying chop chop yOur are going to be late for work again later,, even though I was on time ,,,...

Today he took the kids out as I needed to get a lot of stuff done on a Rare day off, first thing he said when he got in was the my new shoes were digusting and he thinks that's a joke ,,,then stands over me nagging me that I am not gardening fast enough. Always eager to have a. Row - he is a barrister. This has been going on FOR 5 years and we started counselling between her kids but I asked to stop as I got pregnant( I know I am not perfect) and couldn't take the emotional drain of it.
Flip side is he is a very good dad - if. Very Impatient and easily angered. He cooks cleans tidies shops and supports me in my career. I think mostly he does this so things are done his way - I often buy the 'wrong kind' of toilet paper/ cereal etc ....

Things have been the same on and off for five years and I have had enough and a, just about feeling strong enough to walk but part of me thinks if I could make the marriage more bearable it would be better for everyone. That said there has been no sex since DD was conceived and I am not interested in him - he was very accusatory about me/my body etc when we were trying and failing to conceive and he doesn't really care for his OWN appearance at all ... And I do as it's me feel better about myself ... It's my armour .,, without wanting to sound too vain and self obssessed.

He was married before and his wife left him he says because of an affair .... Other have told me it because he was controlling ....,stupidly I never questioned it anymore

We have two young kids, two full time jobs, I have no family in the country and my dad at home is dying of Alzheimer's so have to flit home to support my mum who is in her late 70s and his carer. I don't I want this to sound like a sob story as many have lots of responsibilities. I also saw a lawyer a few years back but bottled walking away as didn't want to not see kid every day and would be heartbroken if this was the case with my little one year old now who surprisingly wants to be mostly with me,

All thoughts welcome x

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 20:36

Keeping your child in that kind of atmosphere is far more damaging than an every other weekend situation.

How much childcare does he do now?

As for your title, well, the first step would be for him to decide that he is abusive and decide to change then it would take years of therapy and he would likely need to step away from people that trigger his old controlling behaviours. Losing his first marriage didn't even make him decide to change so it's hardly realistic to think he will choose to change now.

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Ladiesfirst · 01/11/2017 20:41

He is very good on childcare as I have to be away a lot.

He knows he is quite a flawed character but says he won't do therapy as he doesn't want to open the floodgates ....

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Iris65 · 01/11/2017 20:42

my little one year old now who surprisingly wants to be mostly with me

Not at all surprising.

You know the answer to your question and you are right. He is abusive and he is not going to change.

The only real question is whether you can carry on living with him and that's a question that only you can answer. Its more difficult for you to make your mind up because of the years of abuse that you have endured, but posting here is a good step.

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RandomMess · 01/11/2017 20:47

If you split is there enough equity for a home with small mortgage and live in nanny?

Think you need tbh - he sounds utterly awful!

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Ladiesfirst · 01/11/2017 20:50

Sorry that was a spelling mistake by me - no I am not surprised she wants me as she is still tiny but she isn't too keen on others at the moment and I really want to be with her everyday til she is a bit older... I often think about the future and I can't see how it gets better. In some ways he is a good friend to me and we get on OK mostly but the superiority complex and wanting to put everyone else down I just don't understand. We didn't make decisions as a team as everything has to be his way and if we divorced how could we manage anything? I don't know how j could sensibly have a constructive relationships with hi,for the next 20 years if we divorced ."

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2017 20:56

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting and they could help you also.

He is patently not a good dad if he treats you, the mother of his children, like this. Women in abusive relationships often write the good dad comment or a version there of when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Do not keep your children within such a toxic environment; they are also being harmed by seeing you as their mum being abused as and when he feels like it. His first wife likely left him because she was abused also. Abusive men feel entitled to act like this and do not change. As runrabbit rightly states keeping your children within such a situation is far more damaging to them in the long run than a potential every other weekend situation.

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Ladiesfirst · 01/11/2017 21:02

Thank you. Yes I know it's bad for the kids. Of course. There is enough money to split and get a home plus nanny. It's possible. I feel bad for the little ones but I think,they are so young they might forget.

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jeaux90 · 01/11/2017 21:05

In answer to your question rarely.

In fact I don't know one situation where they have my own experience included.

Don't waste years thinking things will change or if you do it will be ok. It won't.

My narcissist ex actually started therapy for his "social fabrication issues" Hmm his therapist told me to take my daughter, run and don't look back. I did.

Yours sounds very similar

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tomatoplantproject · 01/11/2017 21:05

If you get out from under his daily criticisms life will be so much better. You’ll have the headspace to face and find a solution for all of your other challenges too.

If there’s enough money to get a place with a spare room can you get a nanny/au pair? Its tough with parents a distance away but can you travel with dc?

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Ladiesfirst · 01/11/2017 21:19

So have only ever taken one of them at a time to my folks. As of course DH doesn't want to come. When dad was diagnosed he said people have to die of something, I feel much stronger in myself now. I told DH the other day that an ex of my used to call me Sunny because I was always so cheerful and he laughed and said he didn't believe it. I know he has kicked a lot of that out of me. I'm 43 I feel too young even to be stuck in a sexless marriage if it was happy.

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NorthernLurker · 01/11/2017 21:32

I don't think abusive me ever really change no. Yours certainly won't as he's perfectly happy like this isn't he?

Get some legal advice, assert your rights with the kids as much as you can and get the hell out. He will be very very nasty when he realises you are getting pout. Stay strong and don't look back. He cannot take the kids away from you but you need to be prepared that he will say he can. Don't believe him.

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BinkyandBunty · 01/11/2017 21:44

You don't need to convince us, or him, or anyone except yourself that the marriage is broken enough to leave.

If you're unhappy, and you're done, that's enough, and you shouldn't feel any guilt about that.

The main reason I stayed in my own broken marriage for for more years than I should have, was a fear of what he would be like post-separation. I can't begin to tell you how much I regret that with the benefit of hindsight. The relief and pure joy that daily life without him brings, more than makes up for the frustration of dealing with him when I have to.

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user1499333856 · 01/11/2017 21:49

Why don't you tell him to mind his own business when he corrects, chastises and abuses? Stand up to him and switch off.

Not easy I know but if you disengage then you will protect yourself. And get your ducks in a row.

WineCakeGin

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Sweetbell · 01/11/2017 21:51

Wanting your H to change is wishful thinking. You can't change another persons behaviour you can only change how you react to it.
It would be better for your kids to not grow up in this constant walking on egg shells environment. Eventually they will have to bow to his demands they won't always be young and oblivious.
They would have a chance to decompress and unwind if they had a separate home with just you between eow/contact with their father. And you would too

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asd2125 · 01/11/2017 22:03

He sounds like a sociopath. I have indirect experience of literally hundreds of abusive partners (work for social services) and i have to say that he sounds like a typical non violent controlling partner. The standing over you and the nit picking just seems like the tip of the iceberg and i wonder if you are not even conscious of how much it is affecting you and your children? There are many many partners out there who tell themselves and their partners that because they dont hit that they are really nice people, and give themsleves a free pass to be low level controlling and downright nasty to their families. It isnt ok, and you dont have to put up with it. Please get your ducks in a row financially, get copies of financial statements and the like and make any preparations you need to make a break when you are ready. It is ok to protect yourself and your children from someone who doesnt have your best interests at heart. Find a support group too if you can. Good luck, you are stronger than you know.

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asd2125 · 01/11/2017 22:06

I meant to add, they very rarely change, and it isnt your responsibility to fix him. He is a grown man and you arent his fixer.

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SittingAround1 · 01/11/2017 22:07

I think someone can only change if they really want to. They need to realise their behaviour is unacceptable.
It doesn't sound like he's in any way motivated and do you really want to hang around waiting for him to possibly improve?

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cushioncovers · 01/11/2017 22:13

A father who abuses the mother of his children is not a good dad no matter how many chores and childcare he does, Sorry. And no IMO they don’t change, they might try but their default mode always kicks back in.

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elephantoverthehill · 01/11/2017 22:15

In answer to your original post OP, the answer is NO.

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Hermonie2016 · 01/11/2017 22:31

How are his work hours? Would he realistically be able to share childcare?

If your children are young its actually easier for them as they grow up knowing this as their life.
He does sound very flawed and change requires enormous insight, effort and motivation.My ex was in counselling for a year and it seemed to make him worse, perhaps because his anger at his childhood was brought to the surface and he could not deal with the emotions.

You could try to put boundaries in place.I started to calmly say "that is not acceptable" but it actually made him angrier in the short term.

Your analysis about him doing lots was very similar to ex.I think it's about control but also because it makes it harder to criticise a husband who is doing his share , especially to outsiders.Its also confusing to you.
Get some counselling for yourself and it will help you through your decisions.
Also start a journal, when you see the incidents consistently happening it helps to firm up your decisions.

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PashPash · 01/11/2017 22:33

Even if he did recognise himself to be an abusive arsehole, went off got himself fixed etc. It’s like an alcoholic he can’t ever return to the people he has been abusing. He will just subconsciously repeat the dynamic.

Run.

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PickAChew · 01/11/2017 22:35

He's a dick.

And the evidence stacks up that he can't be arsed not to be a dick, since he's already scared one woman off.

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Gilead · 01/11/2017 23:04

The fact that he won't do therapy says it all. He doesn't want to, doesn't think he needs to and can't be bothered. Apart from which a good father doesn't abuse the mother of his children. You need to get away or you will lose yourself to this person and then you won't be able to be the strong, supportive role model of a mother you would wish to be.

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fc301 · 01/11/2017 23:29

An easily angered Dad is not a good Dad.
Sorry 💐

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ferriswheel · 01/11/2017 23:36

Please, please leave him. I did. Mine was just like yours. Still is when he can be.

I promise my children are so much happier than they were. Much, much happier.

You must go to Women's Aid and the domestic abuse police officer.

These people have helped me get control back.

Don't give him your life.

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