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I'm being bullied by Social Services

(322 Posts)
BulliedMama Wed 01-Nov-17 16:24:46

I’ve NC for this,

Two years ago I was the victim of domestic violence, myH at the time was convicted of this. Social services were called but closed the case. I try to make things work with my H but unfortunately at the beginning of this year another incident happened and since then I have left him. SS were called again and they have put my DS (reception age) and unborn on CP. I think this is a step too far and it should’ve been child in need but there you are. I am willing to do the things they’ve requested of me except the freedom program for domestic violence. I have done some one-on-one work with the domestic violence lady and she has said that the freedom program isn’t for everybody and you can’t force someone to do something that they are not willing to do. SS are now basically saying that I have to do this, if I don’t it there will be consequences and it’s nonnegotiable, I feel totally bullied by them my pregnancy has been ruined by them and the anxiety and stress they are putting me through is not helping. In my eyes I have eliminated the problem with removing my husband from the family home. Our only goal now is to work towards a civil relationship whereby our son is happy. I’m left in the position where I feel SS are now the perpetrators and it is not empowering at all to be made to do something you are so against. This is a box ticking exercise for them with no regard to the impact on my emotional well-being. In fact a small booklet I have with regards to the freedom program says about stress during pregnancy caused by perpetrators, well this fits SS completely.

Sorry for lack of paragraphs, confused

I don’t feel there’s any point complaining to SS but wanted to know if there is another organisation I can go to to find out my rights with regards to what they can force me to do. every other professional in my sons life are saying how well he’s doing and how happy he is.

Thanks, I hope I haven’t drip fed

AfunaMbatata Wed 01-Nov-17 16:29:34

Why don’t you want to do it? You’ve already taken him back once..

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Wed 01-Nov-17 16:34:36

Do the freedom programme. Go into it with as open a mind as you can and it might be a massive help to you. It's a tool in helping you spot the warning signs so you can take your children and run like fuck in the opposite direction. Just do it.

Been where you are lived in refuge had social care involved because of my relationship with my now ex. There was a thorough investigation until they were satisfied I was never ever going to go back to him (this time. I'd gone back many many times before).

I know SS seem to be coming down heavy on you but please for your sake and your children's try not to treat them like the enemy. Put the blame where it belongs. Win your abusive ex. In the year I was in refuge I saw an awful lot of women have their children removed from their care, some temporary some permanent. All of them slagged off social care to anyone who would listen and wouldn't engage with them on various things.

By the way I didn't want to do the freedom programme either to start off with. I was persuaded by the advocate at the refuge. Completed the whole thing and got so much out of it I now plan to be an advocate too once I've got my demons in check.

PinkHeart5914 Wed 01-Nov-17 16:35:16

Well you took him back after he was convicted, you allowed that man back in to yours and your dc life so why would they trust you to not do that again?

I’m not sure a civil realtionship with a man convicted of abuse is ever going to be possible and I do wonder why you even hope for this. Does your dc really need a daddy that abused Mummy? I mean his obviously not a nice man is he

Social service need to be sure you wouldn’t do that again and if you have to do some courses to keep them happy so be it, why wouldn’t you do that?

LunarGirl Wed 01-Nov-17 16:36:27

What is your reason for not wanting to do the freedom programme? Did your child witness the DV? It sounds really tough on you and well done for leaving him but you've taken him back once and he hurt you again. SS will obviously be concerned by that.

BulliedMama Wed 01-Nov-17 16:37:08

Yes I took him back once because it was the first time he had ever done anything like that, he was drunk. The next time was the last time. I’ve sorted myself out independently, and financially and neither of us want to get back together. I don’t want to do this course as it’s not fitting for me, apart from the fact that I’m two months away from giving birth and it’s a three month course and I don’t drive and it’s too stressful. I’ve closed that chapter of my life and want to move on. I do not see what they hope to achieve by forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do. Surly that makes them the bully, but ongoing ones

BertrandRussell Wed 01-Nov-17 16:38:20

Why are you so against it?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Wed 01-Nov-17 16:38:39

Also you can not be civil to a man that has abused you. You just can't. I refuse to make eye contact with my ex at pick ups and drop offs. It's how I cope. And finding a way to be civil to him shouldn't be a priority right now. Keeping your kids with you and safe from him should be your priority. If you can't show social care you can do that you're screwed.

SandyY2K Wed 01-Nov-17 16:38:58

It will help you spot the traits of future abusers. Don't be so resistant.

BulliedMama Wed 01-Nov-17 16:39:30

I not don g the freedom program, all I wanted to know is if I can look else where. I was happy to do work with victim support (but only because SS told me to) but I really am not up for the FP, it’s not me one but and a waist of their and my time. I told them three months ago how I felt yet they are still banging on about it

expatinscotland Wed 01-Nov-17 16:40:04

Your emotional well-being is not their job, you're an adult, their duty of care is to those children, whose father is violent and whose mother took him back after he'd assaulted her, putting your son in an unsafe place.

SandyY2K Wed 01-Nov-17 16:40:35

It was one incident serious enough to require SS to be involved. It sounds like you're minimising.

SandyY2K Wed 01-Nov-17 16:41:46

Carry on resisting and see how that works for you then.

BulliedMama Wed 01-Nov-17 16:41:55

As my sons primary carer I would say my emotional well-being is very much impacted on him. I can see this was a pointless post

BertrandRussell Wed 01-Nov-17 16:42:15

They obviously think there is a risk you will go back to him. And to be honest, that's how it looks to me too.

TerrifyingFeistyCupcake Wed 01-Nov-17 16:42:38

They have good reasons for wanting you to do it and your reasons for not wanting to are not very good. Frankly what you've said in this thread makes it pretty clear why it would be a good idea to do it.

Their interest is not in giving you lovely warm feelings but in keeping your children safe. If pushing you to do something makes your children safer that is what they will do. They are used to women taking back abusers multiple times and frankly they don't care if their insistence on you not doing that stresses you out, because having an abuser in their home will stress out your children a hell of a lot more than that.

iloveredwine Wed 01-Nov-17 16:43:22

have you posted before about this OP? I seem to remember a very similar post and everyone said you can't have any relationship with an abuser. Please work with social services on this

LIZS Wed 01-Nov-17 16:43:43

I doubt you will be out of ss jurisdiction until you have been able to demonstrate a mental shift between the first and second incident and your future. By allowing him back once you demonstrated that your children's best interests were not your priority and that he still had influence over you. That may have changed since but by taking the freedom programme you may be able to feel more confident of this in yourself as well as show them. Your resistance is currently working against your case. Sometimes you just have to jump through a few hoops.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Nov-17 16:44:23

And you are behaving very typically, making SS the perpetrators and not your violent H who put you in this situation (and you by taking him back). By even thinking you can have a 'civil' relationship with an abuser. This is non negotiable. They have made it clear to you. You can refuse. But then they can take steps to keep your children safe. your call.

picklemepopcorn Wed 01-Nov-17 16:44:43

Well done for leaving him. Can you look at it from a different point of view? Can you go through the motions of attending for as long as you can, so that you don’t have to worry about SS. You see, they have seen so many women who are in your position but then find themselves in another relationship which turns out to be abusive. SS need to know they have done all they can to protect you from a repeat situation.

The thing is, what made you fall for him and vulnerable to him may well still be there. You may well choose a partner who seems quite different but turns out to be the same- then your children are at risk.

From SS POV, statistically you are an accident waiting to happen. You may feel very differently, and you may be very different to other people in your situation. They can’t know that yet, though.

Jump through the hoops to make your life easier. You may be pleasantly surprised.

StereophonicallyChallenged Wed 01-Nov-17 16:44:55

You have to remember that they are concerned about your ds's wellbeing first and foremost. At the moment they only know you took him back after a conviction for violence and they only have your word that you won't take him back again.
It may be a box ticking exercise, but it's still the right thing for SS to do in your case. The fact you are pregnant means that not much time has elapsed since he was in your life and home that you share with ds.
If you were my friend, I'd tell you kindly to just do it. Prove to them and everyone else that you mean what you say this time.

KarateKitten Wed 01-Nov-17 16:44:58

I think you have to understand that they have seen women in exactly the same situation as you before and many do go back and some will lose their children as a result. Getting you to take these steps is the best way to get you to not make the mistake of going back to the abuse in their many experiences. You are a victim but in the context of your children, right now you are a liability. I'd be doing everything possible to prove to them that you are not a liability.

It may feel like bullying but in this situation, you have to accept that the choice you made last time has led to them not being able to believe you this time.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Wed 01-Nov-17 16:45:50

I honestly don't get the resistance to simply attending the freedom programme. Let alone the repercussions for you and your family if you keep this up.

offside Wed 01-Nov-17 16:46:11

Just do as SS are asking of you for the sake of your children.

You can't really use the excuse of being two months from birth when they first asked you about it 3 months ago, at which point you would've only been 4 months pregnant.

You need tread carefully for the sake of keeping your family together, not engaging with SS can have big consequences.

expatinscotland Wed 01-Nov-17 16:47:10

'I can see this was a pointless post'

I can see you are on the way to losing custody of your children. You demonstrate that your 'emotional well-being' is more important than your children's safety.

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