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Is it possible

(5 Posts)
oregon1985 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:57:37

To meet a normal guy after only ever being with men who turn out to be abusive or cheaters?
I don't have the best history with men. Two serious relationships in my life (early 30s) first was emotionally and mentally abusive. Second cheated on me constantly throughout the 4 years we were together. And several guys in between who were exactly the same.
Now I've met a new guy and I'm so hesitant. I've been single now for around a year because I wanted to concentrate on myself and kind of sort my life out in other areas.
Met this guy purely by chance and we get on great. He's so laid back and calm. I've met his friends (who speak really well of him) I had a rough time recently and he was amazing, helped me through it.
I can't get it out of my head that he's going to be the same as the previous men because that's who I attract. How do I get out of this mindset?

KarateKitten Wed 01-Nov-17 16:02:01

I don't know. I don't know what it is that you in particular go for in a guy that might inadvertently put you in harms way.

But I will say that I think we all carry the baggage of previous relationships unfortunately. I had an ex who cheated and until then, was so so secure in my belief of my partner. Now I'm with someone who has never done a single questionable thing and sometimes I feel that old fear and jealousy (I never felt jealousy till I got cheated on!!) creeping in. It's very hard not to sabotage things based on previous experiences.

Maybe the best approach is to treat every new relationship as if you're 15 and new to it all, not jaded and damaged by past experiences. But also not to tolerate bad behaviour or treatment the moment you see it. Be open. Call it out. And don't accept anything less than full respect from any new partner.

oregon1985 Wed 01-Nov-17 16:08:59

That's it. I let the past affect how I act.
I was an idiot with the last guy (cheater for 4 years). I stupidly thought it was me, begged him to stay, changed how I looked, tried to make myself look more like the women he cheated on me with (he definitely had a type and that wasn't me). And looking back now I can't believe I was like that, but at the same time I still get really insecure and worry that I'm not good enough for this new guy (I say new guy, it's been 5 months, newish) he tells me I'm silly and that he feels lucky but a lot of me thinks he's just saying that. These guys have ruined my confidence and trust in people sad

KarateKitten Wed 01-Nov-17 16:10:41

just be you OP and don't tolerate anything that makes you feel like you can't.

oregon1985 Wed 01-Nov-17 16:14:40

I think I'm learning to. I feel like I can be around him. I just need to get out of the mindset that all men are like my exes

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