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Help me sort this out......

(29 Posts)
numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 14:16:10

Thanks for reading, I hope someone can offer some advice.......
I’ve been with DH for 19 years, we have 3 DC.
DH is living a very unhappy life with me.
His words to me;
“I understand that your sex drive is going to be even lower than it usually is because of DD2 (4 months old). It’s not just sex though. I just wish you knew how shitty it feels to be in a relationship with someone who blatantly has no desire for you whatsoever.
This is not a new feeling by the way. You’ve done this to me for years.”

Back story - DH has recently (just over a year ago) cheated on me on a night out with a random.
I chucked him out, he came back on the premise that things would change. He wouldn’t nag for sex, I’d be more affectionate.
Well surprise, surprise with a new baby thrown into the works DH is still unhappy and not feeling desired enough.
In my own admission I’m not an affectionate person, never have been and my DH has acknowledged that he has always known this.
That said, I’m no ice maiden and have made effort (even in the weeks following DD’s birthhmm).
I think DH would be in the midst of a full blown affair had the opportunity been there for him.
What happens now? He’s on at me to change and be more positive but TBH I’m just depressed about the whole thing. Is this fixable?

Shoxfordian Wed 01-Nov-17 14:19:10

It sounds like you're incompatible and should split up

Fragglewump Wed 01-Nov-17 14:19:41

For me it would be too broken. Do you still love him? Do you live your life worrying that he will cheat again? Do you respect him (and yourself?) is there anything good about him?

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 14:32:22

I wonder if he will do it again, I now know that he’s capable. He’s good with the older DC but is currently sleeping on the living room floor because I’m co sleeping with DD and the bed isn’t big enough according to him. He takes her for a walk to give me a lie in on a weekend morning if I ask him.
He’s very black and white about things - either you want sex or you don’t as if it’s a tap I can turn on or off. He’s not very empathetic.

Shoxfordian Wed 01-Nov-17 14:40:17

Is there anything good about your relationship?

MrsHass Wed 01-Nov-17 14:44:56

Do you actually want to sort it out?
From what you've written, he sounds like a complete arsehole.

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 14:45:38

Not currently. In the past there has been.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 14:48:08

He sounds like a friggin' sex pest.
He is not trying to see this from your perspective at all.
Have you been like this for years???
Do you have any desire for him at all?
If not then this is going nowhere.

Unfortunately, cheaters often re-write history to justify their shitty behaviour which is what I think is happening here.
So he's trying to make himself feel better about cheating previously or he's setting up to cheat again.
He's paving the way for what will be more shitty behaviour.
Can you live like this for the next 20 years???

ravenmum Wed 01-Nov-17 14:48:45

DH is living a very unhappy life with me.
You’ve done this to me for years.

And you; are you living a happy life? Has he been doing things to you that make you feel good?

ravenmum Wed 01-Nov-17 14:49:32

Is he affectionate to you?

TammyswansonTwo Wed 01-Nov-17 14:54:12

Absolute nightmare. It's perfectly normal to have zero sex drive after a baby, to have very little energy for each other, and for this to take time to improve. Compound that with him having cheated (were you pg at the time?) and I'm not surprised there's little affection.

He needs to give you some breathing room. Honestly, for 10 months after my twins turned up I couldn't have got excited for anyone, my husband or Jared Leto or anyone else I deem ridiculously attractive, and him badgering and coercing you are will not help.

You alluded to something - are you having sex with him anyway even though you don't want it?

SparklingRaspberry Wed 01-Nov-17 14:56:13

Tough one

He should never have cheated and in no way am I justifying that

But it's also unfair to expect any marriage to last happily when one person withholds affection

Why is him nagging for sex worse than you withholding affection from? Both are damaging to any relationship IMO!

That's gunna make anybody feel unwanted and unloved. All you have to do is scour these boards and there's posts after posts from women who complain that their partners don't show them enough affection and in return these men are labelled arseholes, and in all fairness you admitted you've always been like this so it's not because you have a new baby.

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 15:00:37

@hellsbellsmelons I agree that he seems to be reliving history and have just pointed this out to him. He’s told me ‘I’m just accepting that life is shit and getting on with it. Doesn’t mean I’m happy’ This is exactly the sort of crap I’d hear before his monumental cock up last year.

He’s more lustful less affectionate. I was keeping him satisfied (in a round about way) after having DD but think that was my hormones cause I couldn’t even entertain the thought of that now.

@SparklingRaspberry I agree with your post also and have read many threads on here about women who are in the opposite scenario.
I suppose my response to that is; he’s now asking me to change into something I’m not, having started a family and brought 3 DC into the world.

It really is a case of incompatible sexual drives with a bit of insensitive arse hole chucked into the mix.

ravenmum Wed 01-Nov-17 15:02:34

OP says she is making an effort, not withholding affection.

And tbh I'd assume that it is her DH's opinion that she is not affectionate. Based perhaps on her not being all over him after he had an affair? I'd suspect that, like me, OP would turn out to be a lot more affectionate than she thinks now, if she gets in a relationship with an affectionate man.

username7979 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:07:09

It is normal that your sex drive is down after having a baby.
He seem to be putting pressure on you and that's selfish.
Instead of putting pressure he should be helpful and supportive, not demanding attention. He is acting very entitled. Maybe you can both agree to a date night where you spend quality time with each other, with or without sex.

TammyswansonTwo Wed 01-Nov-17 15:31:03

There's a stark difference between not feeling affectionate and withholding affection, and there's definitely a difference between that and being emotionally blackmailed into giving someone sex you don't want to be having.

Fragglewump Wed 01-Nov-17 15:53:11

This really reminds my of my ex - yuck - he told me I was frigid when I didn’t want to swing from the chandeliers a few weeks after having a baby. Bullying me into having sex and then threatening to force me did nothing to enamour him to me.......

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 19:54:15

So he’s got in tonight and a further argument has followed.
I can see the hate seeping out of his face when he looks at me. I believe that he no longer loves me and there is too much resentment built up over many years.
He cheated but he’s pissed off at me.
If I try to tell him that I don’t think of him as he would believe, this angers him more. He looks at me with disgust and tonight after some low blows he’s come out with ‘I’ve bigged you up too much, you’re an absolute state’ ‘you used to look good but now you’re a state’ when I’ve questioned why he wants more affection from someone he clearly doesn’t like.

I know I’m a state but he seems to think I have an inflated opinion of myself - I don’t. If anything I’m socially anxious and hate any attention on me.

Despite all of the above he won’t leave me because he doesn’t want to see his kids living a lower quality life that I would give them if I were on my own.

TammyswansonTwo Wed 01-Nov-17 21:20:26

You just had a baby and he's complaining you're a state? This man is scum. Complete scum.

Tough shit he doesn't want to leave. Make him.

Moanyoldcow Wed 01-Nov-17 21:28:51

It doesn't sound like there's anything left of your relationship. You will destroy each other - if he won't leave you you need to leave him.

BackInTheRoom Wed 01-Nov-17 21:33:05

I don't want to sound rude but why did you both decide to have a baby so shortly after him having an affair?

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 21:45:12

The timing of my pregnancy was horrendous. He cheated, I found out. Then 1 week later discovered I was pregnant.
All I can say is that there’s not much more he can say/do to hurt me - his infidelity broke me.
I’m just treating this as fuel. I’m gathering the strength to go soon, just need to get through my maternity and enjoy every moment with DD while it lasts.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Wed 01-Nov-17 21:52:55

Did you forgive him because of the pregnancy?
It doesn't sound like there is a relationship to salvage tbh -he doesn't get to call the shots on you staying together, if you want out tell him so.

numbanddumb Wed 01-Nov-17 22:11:13

I suppose I did. Everyone kept telling me it was fate that DD came along when she did.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and my options were grim no matter how I looked at it. I considered abortion, I considered continuing with the pg on my own. In the end I thought I should forgive and give him another chance for the sake of baby’s start in the world.
The best thing that happened to me was my DD arriving and I wouldn’t change it for the world now but I must have cried a river during that pregnancy.

BackInTheRoom Wed 01-Nov-17 22:47:58

OP, do any of these sound familiar?

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

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