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estranged dd's, illness and inheritance

(43 Posts)
usernamestaken1 Wed 01-Nov-17 11:17:36

I have (dd1 52 and dd2 50).

my dh of 28 yrs is their stepfather.
through the decades he has always supported me through their life crisis , which have been too many to mention.

at this critical time in my life, I have been forced to accept the reality of my dd's lives.

dd1 has always been a ruthless/ manipulative/ liar ,bullying me financially . dh was always there to "pick up the pieces" when the misery became too much for me.
yet after each drama she professes to love me.
as self protection I have chosen to go nc with her.

dd2 has always been emotionally unstable, frequent threats of suicide, although apparently appears to have a more stable life now.

although through the years she has gone nc for a year or two ,got back in touch, then repeated the nc sometime later then says she loves me.
4 years ago she went nc with me and I hadn't heard from her since then.

this has been a pattern for them both.

each time I was devastated with the nc, but so happy when it all appeared to be resolved(it was events in their lives that it seems like they used me as their emotional punchbag)

dd2 was nc with dd1 for many years, but recently they "made up and forgave each other"

both dd's had every kind of support I could offer through the years, yet it was as though they would hurl emotional grenades into my peaceful life.

it has been a nightmare never knowing what turmoil was round the corner.

now, please I need help.

I have a life threatening illness, both dd want to come back into our lives (love?inheritance) .

I am afraid to allow this even though I would dearly love to see them and hug them, but am afraid that they will both cause me emotional fear and unsettle my dh with what time I have left.

I emotionally shake with the thought that one of them, or both will be standing at my front door.

Blobby10 Wed 01-Nov-17 11:23:18

Your daughters sound like they have caused you untold misery over the years and now, as you are battling with your illness you are completely justified in telling them you don't want to see them. You dont have to do it face to face - write them a letter each. It doesn't have to be a long letter - just that you will always love them but their behaviour over the years means that you no longer like them and that their behaviour has been so appalling that the prospect of seeing them makes you feel ill.

Please do not ever apologise to them or anyone else for feeling the way you do!!

Sending virtual hugs and flowers for the coming days/weeks/months/years xx

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 11:34:30

No no no and absolutely NO again!!!
Do NOT allow them to ruin your peace.
Your poor DH, who has supported you does not need the drama either.
You know what to do.
Not inheritance - your DS deserves it all.
Ignore these nightmare DD's and do NOT let them ride rough-shod over your life and emotions anymore than they already have.
(((HUGS))) to you - I really hope you are doing OK.

PinkHeart5914 Wed 01-Nov-17 11:38:14

Your dd’s sound horrible and I’d not allow them back in my life at such a time when you need support and to be looked after. And I wouldn’t leave them a fucking penny of inheritance either!

I’d write them a letter and tell them to stay away.

I wish you all the best for whatever the future holds for you 💐

Santawontbelong Wed 01-Nov-17 11:40:07

Cats home would love a bequest.

Floralnomad Wed 01-Nov-17 11:44:06

I think I’d also just send them both letters explaining that you appreciate that they feel they want to get in touch , but at this point in your life and illness you would rather keep communication purely by letter / email as you resigned yourself to the situation a long time ago and feel it’s better to keep it this way . Best wishes for the future .

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 11:49:21

Please don't communicate with them at all.
It gives them an 'in' and you know happens when you allow that.
Stay NC.
Ensure your DS tells them to keep away.

springydaffs Wed 01-Nov-17 11:53:28


usernamestaken1 Wed 01-Nov-17 13:03:05

I was very shocked when out of the blue I received emails from both dd''s saying they want to see me when they heard I am so unwell.

they say they want to "forgive and forget" the past misery, but if I bring them back into our lives I am sure I will be waiting for the inheritance issue to rear it's head, let alone one email saying "i need my dd's at a time like this" using every attempt to drive dh out of the equation.

yet he has always been a tower of strength to me, always being aware he isn't their father, (who wiped his hands of them years ago)and keeping silent when seeing me suffering at their hands over the years.

when it suited them, they would say, dh was like the father to them, also thanking him for looking after me so well, then now I am very poorly they just want to "get him out" as though he never existed.

so, yes, I will reply to any emails but keep them as far away physically as I can.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 13:39:17

It's out of the blue to you but not to them.
They've been colluding about their inheritance and how they can get their hands on it.
Please don't rise to it.
Do NOT respond to emails.
It won't help you and will just open up channels for them to abuse you by!

they say they want to "forgive and forget"
WTF have they got to forgive and forget????
You did NOTHING wrong.
It was them and they haven't changed.
In fact they've just come together to bombard you with all this shite when you need it the least.

Don't engage - please!!!!

ScruffbagsRUs Wed 01-Nov-17 14:48:25

You could test the waters by emailing them, telling them that you've changed your will and they'll be left nothing due to the emotional and mental upheaval they've put you through. If they really love you, the inheritance won't be an issue, and their reaction to your email will tell you all you need to know.

Good luck OP. They sound like very hard work.

butterfly56 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:08:04

You need to ensure you make a will that leaves everything to your DH.
Please don't allow them to try and infiltrate your lives again and destroy what little peace you have with your DH. flowers

Msqueen33 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:17:32

That must be difficult because it’s your children but they sound like they’ve treated you appallingly but now that you’re ill they’ve suddenly popped up. I personally would have them written out of my will and wash my hands of them.

usernamestaken1 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:28:58

to be honest I thought it was odd/strange that the 2 of them suddenly after so many years estranged are now "best of friends".

it's sort of they have joined together in an attempt to control/put the pressure on us.

we have more than once been told, dh is only with me for money!

28 years and they think that, it's only a house and some investments, not millions.
(dh had his own house/money etc when we met pretty equal to me)

they want to "take me to hospital appointments" something that dh has been doing for the last year, and he has suffered alongside me.

I was expecting to be told "i must have done something to make them behave like that", but as dh has said right from the beginning they are so selfish, they bully anyone who may be in their way.

take what they want whoever they hurt in the process.

other dear family members and friends are disgusted and ashamed of them, even to the point of saying they will never allow either to come to their home, that's how awful it has been.

yet, their is a small piece of me wants to hug them once before it's too late, but the price both dh and I would pay may be too high.

I intend to make a new will, as I am positive that dh will receive a backlash of abuse from them once I am no longer here, which makes me fearful for his future.

Trafalgarxxx Wed 01-Nov-17 15:33:54

Do you have a will?
That is your first step tbh to ensure that whatever you have is going to whoever you want (your DH, the dds, grand children??)
Have a look at power of attorney too to minimise the impact on your DH.

Re seeing your dds, I’m in two minds about it.
Times like this can actually be times if healing between people. You might get to see your dds one last time - would you cherish that moment?- and time to get closer again.
Or it can become what you are fearing - a way to ensure that they can get the inheritance they want (which is why a Will is essential)

How important is it for you see your dds?

schoolgaterebel Wed 01-Nov-17 15:50:19

Please make sure your affairs are in order. It wouldn't be fair on your DH to be left dealing with a backlash after you are gone.

You need to do whatever brings you peace and comfort now flowers

Msqueen33 Wed 01-Nov-17 16:13:51

If you think it would be a closure of sorts maybe seeing them is something to think about. But it could just bring a lot of pain drawn out over a longer period. I’d definitely make sure my will is in place. I know they’re your kids but sounds like they’ve had a lot of chances. Maybe one too many.

SusannahL Wed 01-Nov-17 16:31:40

Yes, it's absolutely vital you have an up to date will OP.

Get one drawn up properly through a solicitor, not one of those cheap DIY ones.

They are grown up middle aged women who have treated you appallingly. Don't allow them to spoil what time you have left.

Haffiana Wed 01-Nov-17 17:29:12

I intend to make a new will, as I am positive that dh will receive a backlash of abuse from them once I am no longer here, which makes me fearful for his future.

You have posted here before, haven't you? About how misunderstood you are by your dds who have chosen to go NC with you?

So, just one question. Why does your will need changing?

wannabestressfree Wed 01-Nov-17 19:37:31

Have private messaged you....

PaintingByNumbers Wed 01-Nov-17 19:43:38

Make the will, tell them, then make your peace with them if you can, and yes, I would wonder what their side of the story is, but that is between you and them. Being disinherited can be a massive emotional blow though, so any negative reaction is not necessarily really about the money. Some families use money to manipulate and control.

magoria Wed 01-Nov-17 19:49:16

If you want to meet them. Do so at a neutral place like a restaurant. Somewhere they may think twice before acting up.

I suggest that you thank them for offering to take you to any appointments however that is not necessary as DH will continue to do.

It would be nice to think that your mortality has made them think twice, you know them better and if you think they are just after the £ then don't feel any guilt in not responding and do get that will sorted!

usernamestaken1 Thu 02-Nov-17 09:34:06

I wondered if now I am so ill, that they may have thought back at the hell we have been put through from them for decades now.

I suppose as dh had always been such a great support for me, that I will be disloyal to him if I meet with dd's, though also I feel this is my home, why should I meet somewhere outside?

Dozer Thu 02-Nov-17 09:39:18

Very sorry you’re so unwell.

If you would like to see your DDs you could do so and, if it didn’t go well at any point, not do so again.

I don’t think you should worry about your H’s opinions: he is not their stepfather as he met them as adults, your decisions about your DC are entirely yours.

Make your will, make sure it’s checked and legal, and leave your money to whomever YOU wish. You can refuse to discuss money matters should your DDs raise this.

Ttbb Thu 02-Nov-17 09:40:56

Well you made them what they are. I don't think that you have any right to complain, children don't behave this way unless their parents have done many things wrong. You don't have to see them if you don't want to but it would be u reasonable to expect live from them at this juncture, clearly that's long gone.

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