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Would you move away from abusive family without saying a word?

(9 Posts)
NameChangeRanger Wed 01-Nov-17 10:53:18

This is going to be a long post FYI.

My mum had multiple different children (6) with multiple different fathers. (Including me), I'm not casting judgement but she went about it all the wrong way (introducing them too early including having a drug addict in our home at one point and they'd be gone within 15 months and she'd be left holding the baby, again.)
The last one stuck around. But he's a real bastard.
When I was 14/15 he choked my younger sister with a guitar string in front of me laughing while he did it. We told mum, she didn't believe us (that or just said she didnt).

He also punched me and choked me on more than one occasion and would have explosive fits of rage over minor things (ie, if one of us didn't go into THEIR bedroom and get THEIR near empty cups or glasses out, he would walk in and throw the cup or its cold congealed contents at one of us. This was a weekly occurrence).

They then moved away, to another country. Leaving me and my older sister behind but taking the other kids with them. I was thankfully old enough to say no. I wanted to be away from him.

She didn't contact either of us often, a few times a year, perhaps. Never skyped or called always just email.
"How are you?"
"Good you?"
"I'm great" (no more correspondence for 3 months or more) in this time I obviously got older had a child of my own and got married. Then dhs job offered us a move to the same country she's in. We took it for other reasons but figured it'd be a blank slated for us.
We also requested he be placed in the same region as she lives in and we live a 10 minute drive down the road.

But she has been awful. Her husband is still a cunt but to his credit he mostly just recluses himself and says/does nothing. I think he knows he can't pull the same shit anymore that he could when we were kids. But I know behind closed doors it's different for eg he has smashed up my younger siblings Xbox (for not putting the bins out). There is still one sibling in the house (the youngest who is very nearly an adult).

Back to my mum. She's been awful. I don't know if she's projecting. But she's been horrible towards myself and mostly my dh. Calling him abusive (couldn't be further from the truth, he is lovely, kind, calm, generous and level headed. Nobody is perfect but we seldom argue and when we do it's quickly sorted out. We're a strong couple) begging me to "come home to her" I've barely been in her house and the fact she thinks her house is "home" is absolutely fucking laughable I haven't lived with her for a couple of decades.

She has made up lies about my DH and spread them around the family (some of which in our home country) to the point now where no one really likes my Dh, my siblings don't take much notice because they don't trust what she says anyway but my grandmother and cousins, aunts etc are now all highly critical or suspicious of my DH.

Everything I say turns into me being depressed. Ie.

"I'm having some stress at work but In general life's pretty good childsname has achieved x and I'm really happy."

Her "I think you're making bad decisions"

Me "sorry?"
Her "I know you're depressed and I know your dh is abusive towards you please stop lying to me and let me help you" no matter what I say I can't win because if I say all is fine I'm in denial, if I question her she tells me she "just knows" or "a mother knows everything*" or she can see I'm frightened of him. I'm not, really! Promise!

So now I'm just ignoring her. I've tried to talk to her and tried to address it and asked her why she thinks he's abusive, what he's done to make her think that but it's all very vague and boils down to she just thinks she knows with no real reason.

*the reason I think it's so hilarious she thinks she knows everything is that it's painfully obvious she doesn't know me:
I hate the feel and texture of sand but she keeps hounding me to go to the beach (alone, not even with her!).
she uses an abbreviation of my name that I hate even when I ask her not to, when she asked me over for dinner she nearly fed me food I was allergic to it was only dh double checking that confirmed there was an allergen in it that I'm allergic to, she then spent 5 minutes going "are you sure you're allergic?" Yeah mum I have been for years.
Lots of little things like that (that are second nature when you do know someone reasonably well)
She doesn't know me at all and I think she just wants to be seen as my rescuer.
I can't even have a conversation with her without it becoming (within 2 messages) about bad decisions/dh/DH is so awful crazy and dangerous.
We're being transferred now about 5.5 hours away. I'm considering changing my number and going. I don't want to deal with her shit anymore.
But ironically dh says this is cruel and I should give her one last chance to explain herself or at least write her a letter.

But I know full well as soon as I do that she's going to come in all guns blazing with omg you're being isolated don't go come to my house!

Poshindevon Wed 01-Nov-17 11:00:23

I am sorry you had such an awful childhood but you are an adult now and have given your mother plenty of chances.
You cannot carry on living your life like this so yes, move on and cut off all contact. Your not being cruel, you need to protect yourself and your family.
All the best

Anecdoche Wed 01-Nov-17 11:04:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChangeRanger Wed 01-Nov-17 11:08:01

In one way it's painful but then in the other I'm just sort of thinking well, did I expect any different? confused
I appreciate the responses.
It sucks but I think it has to be done for my own sake (and for that of my own family).
I think DH is also very soft and willing to go the extra mile to give extra chances etc.
another reason he's absolutely not abusive or aggressive in anyway. But she doesn't know that because she's been too busy calling him abusive (over what I don't know) to actually sit and get to know him, or explain her concerns to me.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 11:46:06

Yes she's projecting.
While others are thinking your DH abusive it gives her vile DH a rest from it all.
And do NOT tell her you are moving.
Change your number and enjoy your new peaceful life.
You know you are doing the right thing.
Bless your DH but this is your DM and your decision.
Make sure he knows you want to go with no fuss and then no more contact.

ptumbi Wed 01-Nov-17 15:36:08

I would def move without telling her - but be aware that you will also need to go NC with your siblings as well. Flying monkeys and all that.

I think Id move, and possibly give her a mobile number/email address on which to contact you - non traceable. She can the continue her fantasy of you being her beloved dd, who's married to an abuser, but you don;t need to listen to it, or take any notice. Delete texts and emails if you like, or direct to an inbox that you only read once a month or so.

She only wants you where she can project upon you, as hellbells says.

Let her get on with her lousy life, and stop trying to pull you down to make her feel better.

surereadyforchange Wed 01-Nov-17 16:11:28

I did, and its the best thing I could have done. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Be kind to yourself. Xx

BenLui Wed 01-Nov-17 16:20:03

I’d tell her I was moving but not until right before. As ptumbi says I’d give her a way to contact you eg email.

As a priority I’d start rebuilding relationships with wider family re your DH. It’s not fair to have his reputation impugned.

Make sure that the wider family know how well you are doing and how happy you are.

I’d also carefully edit what information everyone gets, positive comments only. No more “I’m a bit stressed” type comments, keep them for your friends.

SeaEagleFeather Wed 01-Nov-17 21:46:35

You need to keep your husband aware of what she's saying.

Also, to keep in mind that she consistently chose poorly - over and over and over again - in her life partnership and she was not aware or didn't care about what's best for children (love, stability and loving boundaries).

It sounds like she's still only thinking of her own needs. She's never been aware of what her children needed, she still isn't, and she wants you around so that you can be her rock .... isolating you so you only rely on her .. so that you are there for her all the time.

Step back, stay civil, never talk about any stress or anything negative, and never talk about emotions. If she really needs help I'd personally say step in (she did give you life, and whatever anyone says that counts for something unless involvement means destruction of your health, mental or physical), but keep up the emotional distance between you and her.

your husband needs to respect your decision here.

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