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Advice on dealing with a toxic mum. Repost of earlier deleted thread.(1 Post)
Hi all, I am reposting this as a newbie. My initial thread has been deleted. I have included other bits of my thread. Apologies for getting it wrong and thanks to those who advised me to take down personal info. . I just want to say I am not after a diagnosis just advice. I have faults like everyone. I want advice on how to withdraw from my mother without cutting off entirely
. I was never confident growing up. Dad worked abroad. Him and my mum split when I was 13. I was never close to my sister who is 6 years older. I was overweight and battled with this. My mum met my step dad when I was 14 and lived her own life. Never been close to him. . I was practically raised by my nan. At 21 I met the father of my children. First bloke who took notice of me. He was horrid, mentally and physically abused me for the 14 years I stayed with him. When I met him my mum and step dad hated him and threw me out. I had nobody. Didn’t speak to my mum for 2 years. I moved abroad far away where my dad was. I gave birth to my eldest boy alone in a stinking hospital and almost lost him. I pined for my mother and rang her begging for a reconciliation. In no uncertain terms she said we could resume contact but she had her own life and didn’t need me in it. I have carried this with me forever. I went on to have my other son in two years, a desperate need to have children. I never loved their father. We moved back to uk when Eldest child was 2 and Middle child a baby. I had a 3rd child my daughter. I dont regret the marriage as I have amazing kids who I am so close to. I love them so much it hurts. In 2006 I saw the light, lost weight and left the marriage. I had told my mum I wanted to leave years previously and her response despite knowing about the abuse both physical and mental was to stick it out. My parents leant me money so I could keep the house as it was the only way. They are extremely wealthy. A legal agreement was drawn up. In 2008 I met my partner who I love deeply. We are so happy. He is in the forces and we will get wed in 2019.
I have sold the house and paid my parents. My mum said they weren’t going to charge me interest and were proud of this! I would have paid interest gladly. My mum has never helped me with the children, school runs, weekends. She is a very selfish woman and gets worse daily. She is 73 and thinks she is gorgeous. She never compliments me or my beautiful 13 year old daughter. I see it so clearly and she is a clone of my sister who is equally as horrid and nasty. I sometimes cringe at what comes out of her mouth. She is a racist, homophobic, you name it. My problem is this. She wants to be part of my life now. She suffocates me. We have tried a relationship but my step father can be so nasty and inappropriate without realising it. We don’t enjoy their company. We feel under constant pressure to see them. After two glasses of wine they are sexually inappropriate and embarrassing. My partner now feels as I do. We have tried really. They don’t know this. I don’t want to fall out with them. I am happy to see my mum once a week for a chat but it’s never enough! My sister lives in France, step brothers live away. They have no friends and xmas day is just them! My mother won’t mention my wedding and she knows I am moving to England in two years time. When I do turn on my mum she has tantrums and I think would cut me off again which I don’t want. They constantly argue in their marriage and I wonder if it is some sort of karma? They have it all, health and wealth but are miserable. She counts my daughters present of £35 in change and is usually short by £8 Then says my daughter has more than any grand child and is very spoilt (she isn’t) . My children have no bond with them. I have to make them see them, phone etc I have never been so happy with my partner and children but this pressure is killing me. I just feel she wants to know now as her life is lonely and my children are grown so need no care. Once she watched the kids for me to go to Spain with My partner for 4 nights (my best friend watched them for two). I rang and she was screaming down the phone crying that she had her own life. My kids have always been so well behaved and I have raised them. My partner has just had an invasive operation. He has been very down. I mentioned this to my mum and she said I have two years until the wedding so to call it off! I am so depressed as I see what My partner sees, she is vile but I just don’t want to fall out. I don’t want to socialise with them. I just want to see my mum once a week and I do go away with her once or twice a year. It’s weird but I don’t want to fall out. I can’t keep making excuses when they ask to call down etc. She is getting more demanding by the day! It get numerous calls. I am trying to train her and speak twice weekly. I work and my mum retired when she was 45. I am 46 and am not wealthy but financially ok. My mum tells me I am old and never compliments me although I am no longer overweight. I will not care for my mother when she is frail and old as she never helped me with my 3 children. They helped me financially as it was easy to and they didn’t even want the money back quickly as they are high tax payers.
Help! I know you all probably think this should be clear cut but it’s not. I don’t want more bad feeling in my life. I constantly lie about my whereabouts so as to prevent visits etc as she can be so nasty...
P.s no haven’t discussed feelings. It would result in toys out of the Pram and being ostracised again
I am not young and needy ... I am 46 and have raised 3 children single handedly. I also lived abroad for many years so am familiar with the British disease. I came on mums net not for a diagnosis but for advice on a situation that is getting me down. I am a sensitive person and don’t want to be honest as I know what the repercussions would be from experience with my mother. I am also seeking counselling. My mum leant me money with a legally drawn up document as she preferred that to having me and my 3 children live with her in her massive house. At the time I would have preferred the latter option for the support it could have given me. As for love and understanding I have that with my partner and my own 3 children. Maybe I shouldn’t have come on this forum which was suggested to me as I now feel worse...
My eldest son says the same, that she won’t change so to put up or shut up. Deep down I know the answer I think I just want an ok relationship. Funny thing when the kids were small we had a minimal relationship and I wanted more. Now the kids are grown and I have few responsibilities she wants more... I am off work this week in bed with a chest infection and she has phoned 4 times a day... I have to ignore some calls. She refuses to txt which I could handle. She asked to go for an early breakfast but I didn’t feel up to it so I suggested lunch locally (8 miles from her). Straight away she said no as it’s too far and she won’t drive past 2pm 😂. I am really trying the gradual withdrawal and was making progress until this week. I tend to lie a lot about my life which I don’t like in order to minimise contact and hurting feelings. I know I need to be more assertive but when I do she has huge tantrums. I guess I just want a calm life but deep down know what I need to do for this. My dad died in prison from Africa as he was caught for dealing drugs. He was moved to this country and wrote to me but I never replied as I didn’t want to hurt my mother. I guess I don’t want another one to die not speaking. Hopefully the counselling may help and thanks so much for some really constructive replies. New to this the first reply threw me.
yes springydaffs I want to know the best way to manage her. I will order the book TOXIC PARENTS. Also once my daughter finishes her GCSES we will relocate to the north east. I wanted her to finish school here. She plays the guilt card all the time about us going out with them socially but as I explained they are unbelievably crude in drink and I cannot tell them that so I try to make excuses.
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