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He drives me crazy with his clumsy/forgetful/unorganised ways!

(52 Posts)
Mrstumbletap Wed 01-Nov-17 08:32:15

Am I doomed to a life of frustration with my DH? I’m convinced he is getting worse, he forgets things, is oblivious to things happening around him, thinks of himself and makes parenting hard work. He is mid 30s and is just as forgetful and organised at work as he is at home. He forgets keys,phone, loses things, doesn’t think to pick things up for DC, doesn’t think ahead, doesn’t plan.

I thought partners were supposed to lighten the load for each other? Am I wrong in thinking that?

Do your partners make your life easier?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 08:35:56

This is exactly why I don't have a partner.
Too much hard work.
What does he say when you talk about this?

Lily2007 Wed 01-Nov-17 08:38:08

If he's like that at work its probably just the way he is. My DH helps out with practical things a lot but does forget a lot of things if not reminded. He asks me to send him reminders just before he has to do them so I will e-mail him and that seems to work.

Mrstumbletap Wed 01-Nov-17 08:57:10

Sometimes he laughs at my frustration when I say “did you remember X?” “Did you pack the X?” Other times he snaps back and says why does it matter? Who cares if I forget X?”

We have both been off work this week, so with each other 24/7 and I have realised it drives me crazy, it’s like having another child. We had a row this morning with him saying “stop moaning you wouldn’t moan at your friend if they forgot something for their child”. To which I replied “but we are talking about YOUR child! Why do I have to think of everything?” He is not MY responsibility he is OUR responsibility.”

Bumblina Wed 01-Nov-17 09:00:40

my DP is the same.
Forgetful, only-child selfish, never plans or thinks ahead, etc etc.
I feel your frustration
His mother thinks it's sweet :-/

Noimbrianfromhull Wed 01-Nov-17 09:03:29

My ex was like that. Later diagnosed with primarily inattentive ADHD.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:06:37

My ex is like this, main reason I left him. What exactly DOES he bring to the table??

JaneEyre70 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:08:48

My DH is in his early 50s and is getting progressively worse, yesterday he lost his glasses (in his car), he couldn't find his contact lens solution (in cupboard in kitchen) and misplaced his jacket (left at work). It could be exhausting but I no longer engage in any of it. He loses it, he looks for it. I just let him bumble on around me and completely ignore it. He did initially get really mad that I wasn't flapping around him but actually it's made it better in that he takes responsibility for it.

louiseaaa Wed 01-Nov-17 09:10:28

My son is like this - he has dispraxia.

He knows he is like this and he also realises that he needs to develop strategies so that he can minimise the effects of his learning difference on himself and others. At 15 he's already demonstrating a higher level of maturity than your DH, who I suggest, should look at what he can do to minimise the effect of this issue on you and your child.

(I'm not suggesting he has a learning difference, btw)

Ohdearducks Wed 01-Nov-17 09:13:06

I am like this if I don’t keep on top of myself with lists and reminders and such or if stressed/unwell and can’t maint the facade of organisation. I suspect I have some form of ADHD though. Your DP sounds like he doesn’t give shit how he impacts other people which is unacceptable.

spaghettihoopla Wed 01-Nov-17 09:17:29

I'm very much like this. I do not do it on purpose as is just as frustrating constantly being reminded by husband that it's annoying for him see me forget something. We've now agreed that unless someone dies/forgetting something has serious consequences, he shouldn't moan because there's more to life.
When he forgot to file our tax returns and WE got fined I had a small chuckle.
I d try very hard to have places to put things I regularly need to not forget though ie car keys, house keys, phones. I did also lose my wedding ring for a few months so that now also has a spot as I have to take it off for work...

Zionsmummy Wed 01-Nov-17 09:18:06

My partner is like this also. We have a three year old and I feel like I take on most of the responsibility. I’m the only one that washes clothes the only one that cleans up(unless I ask him to do it) why can’t he just take the initiative to wash the clothes when the basket overflows or when there are dirty dishes in the sink. I get out son ready every morning and take him to Nursery,also picking him up as my partner works late I am a full time student. I’m not very well and couldn’t sleep last night so I ended up sleeping through my alarm, my partner woke up and told me I’m lazy meanwhile he was still sleeping. I’m over it!

TheGrumpySquirrel Wed 01-Nov-17 09:24:44

My DH is like this but he has diagnosed dyspraxia so I have had to accept it to a certain extent. I no longer get in a flap if he loses his stuff otherwise I would be stressed all the time. We have strict rules about things like car keys going back in a certain place otherwise it’s his problem to manage. The lack of planning / prioritising is really tough to live with though I have to say. He is very easily distracted too and I don’t want to be a nag so often end up doing a lot of things myself.

TheGrumpySquirrel Wed 01-Nov-17 09:26:47

He does make up for it in other ways. He’s a great cook and very creative, has an excellent eye and is fantastic with kids (I find entertaining kids very boring). We try to use each other’s strengths. Eg he will design the new bathroom and I will go and get the builders in.

Mrstumbletap Wed 01-Nov-17 09:28:17

Well this is the struggle I have, when he forgets his own stuff, loses it, breaks it etc I do just let him crack on.

But we are raising a small child, and that means things have to be remembered, picked up, packed etc and that’s all on me.

I could email him, write him lists, remind him to do things etc but that just makes his life easier and mine harder. I’m still doing the thinking part and it’s the head space I wish he would help with.

What does he bring to the table? Exactly my thoughts. We had this conversation earlier in the week as he forgot several things of his for a trip we went on no shower gel/shampoo/chargers etc (he packed nothing for our DS, I did it all) So off he trots to the shop to re-buy all the stuff he forgot and says “so what?”

So the what is the benefit of being together type conversation/row came up and he said “We laugh, and we both are foodies” not entirely sure that’s enough for a lifetime of happiness though is it?

TheGrumpySquirrel Wed 01-Nov-17 09:32:48

I feel your pain... mine does more housework than me... but I stopped emailing him or writing him lists as it doesn’t make him get anything done (he doesn’t read the emails!) the only thing I do do is manage our calendars (send him diary invites for important things and his PA accepts them). He does check his work diary so that works. The only thing that has worked for us is completely dividing responsibilities- so I’m responsible for x and he for y. Then I do not manage y at all, no organising no reminding. It’s tough but the only way it will improve is for them to have real responsibilities and consequences of not managing them (sorry I know that sounds like he is a kid but dyspraxia is a real problem in this way). Have you explored that possibility with your husband OP?

stormnigel Wed 01-Nov-17 09:34:50

No probably not to be honest...
My dp is about half way to moving in with us-he stays over a lot. It’s been like having a third child at times-extra Work for me, because he creates mess etc...but he doesn’t take any initiative around the house. I’m not sure I can do it...it will make me furious and it won’t be good for our relationship. I need someone to move in and make life a bit easier not give me extra work!!
I’m going to sit down and have a chat with him about it, and try to reduce my expectations a bit-he has never lived with anyone before never mind a woman and two kids and I get that it’s a huge learning curve and there will be things that annoy him about us too...but I don’t want to end up on here in a few years full of resentment because I’m doing even more than I do now. How to phrase it without making him automatically defensive?

TheGrumpySquirrel Wed 01-Nov-17 09:38:39

I think there is a difference between just being lazy and actually having problems with planning and organisation. My DH is not lazy, he does more than his fair share of practical tasks, his energy is just not directed to the most important thing in the most efficient way. He’s a bit all over the place. I do worry about having a child with him as small kids require so much management!

Myheartbelongsto Wed 01-Nov-17 09:45:05

Set up a Google calendar and tell him to check it every morning and evening, takes mins and saves so much hassle.

Mrstumbletap Wed 01-Nov-17 10:30:27

Myheartbelongsto whilst that sounds like a very organised thing to do he wouldn’t remember to look at it.

spaghettihoopla Wed 01-Nov-17 10:30:35

I'm also with grumpy squirrel, there's a difference to being disorganised and lazy. So maybe you'll have to think about which one your partner is. I think there's not much standing in a relationship when you would wave because of this. It sounds a bit from your posts as if you won't just leave things until he does them ie is it not financially viable for you to buy more shower gel when he forgets when you're away? Was it as big a deal as you're saying, what would have happened if you didn't pack things for your son. Have you even tried to let it go and see what happens? I work best when my husband doesn't just pack everything and do everything himself but he rarely lets that happen as he has such little faith in what might happen if I forget something. In reality it's hardly ever serious. Once we went out when dd was a baby and I forgot her changing bag. So I bought what I needed and everyone survived. I used to always forget her water but then again I live in a town so she didn't dehydrate.
My husband would be a martyr all day about what he does for us but in my mind I've never truly suffered from forgetting things so I don't get his stressing about it, although it is more expensive haha. I do try though to do things and remember things more. If you don't like it that much though then do leave him. I'd rather my husband left me then moan constantly. Someone else will always be there for us and I'm sure if it's making you that unhappy you'll find someone that fits your more organised ways

Mrstumbletap Wed 01-Nov-17 10:41:09

That does sound very like my husbands way of thinking, he will just buy all the things we forget. Whilst it won’t bankrupt us, it is so frustrating, £5 here £10 there when we have loads at home.

I hate waste and buying stuff we already have does grate on me - my issue I know.

He isn’t lazy, he will pull his weight when I ask. BUT I have to ask, we both work the same hours, so it is frustrating to then have to tell him what food we have in for him to cook dinner or remind him he hasn’t cooked for a week.

Why can’t he just think “it must be my turn to cook, I will look in the fridge.” It takes me saying, “babe you haven’t cooked all week can you make dinner tomorrow?”

Or he is always in a rush out the door and I have to say “stop rushing we need to make sure we have got the tickets/receipt etc” drives me mad!!

Lily2007 Wed 01-Nov-17 12:08:25

Mine is better with the same task everyday than different tasks so will happily cook every night. He also buys all the ingredients again every night.

That leaves me free to look after the kids, their homework, bags, and do the 101 different tasks. My DH is fine with repetitive things but it has to be in a routine and he has to know the routine in advance. He is hopeless at looking after the kids but its just about finding a solution that works for you both. For a holiday I would organise every detail and every trip. Anything with any change I do or anything caring I do. I suspect my DH has Aspergers so it maybe a different issue. He does do the rushing out the door thing though even forgot my daughter and I once and left us locked out. Thankfully a neighbour helped us.

sassymuffin Wed 01-Nov-17 12:27:04

This sounds like my son who just like louiseaaa is 15 and has dyspraxia. My father also has been diagnosed with it since we all became familiar with the symptoms.

I'm not suggesting he has this as I am not a medical professional but would just like to mention that many older people with dyspraxia are not diagnosed and could this be a possibility?

It can be pull your hair out frustrating but their brains are wired slightly differently so they often really really struggle with things like:

Co-ordination, balance and movement.
Learning new skills, thinking, and remembering information at work and in leisure activities.
Daily living skills, such as dressing (buttons, shoelaces, ties) or preparing meals to time.
Writing, typing, drawing and grasping small objects
Social situations
Dealing with your emotions
Time management, planning and personal organisation

People used to be labelled as clumsy and stupid years ago before it was recognised to be an actual neurological condition. It in no way affects intelligence.

Really sorry for the derail I just wanted to flag it up.

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 01-Nov-17 13:08:25

My XH was like this, but would not accept that it was a problem. Thought sitting on Facebook until two minutes before we were due to leave the house, and then fussing about getting ready, was normal. The problems really came to light when he tried to retrain for a career that involved being ultra-organised and prepared. I tried to warn him, but of course, his normal was normal. He never saw other people being organised, only me, and that was just me, so he didn't care.

His life imploded. So I really don't know what to suggest, OP, just a handhold from someone who's been there!

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