Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found out he’s cheated

(30 Posts)
Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 06:32:04

I’ve just found out my husband has slept with another woman. We have a long back story. When we first got together he was 21 and one of his friends was an older woman with a family, who we used to go and visit which I always found odd. Turns out he’d been having an affair with her before we’d met.. One morning when DS1 was about one I found love letters, songs about their future etc. He assured me they weren’t from when we were together. I looked through his phone bills and he used to phone her over 100 times a month. I made him stop contact with her and tried to move on. I never got over it, I was young, had no confidence or money but I should have left.

We had 2 more children and 3 1/2 years ago I was at my lowest and had an affair with a family friend. It was very intense, and for the couple of months in went on it felt amazing to have someone tell me how beautiful and amazing I was. Then my husband and his wife found out and it all imploded. Me and DH decided to make a go of it, we’d both betrayed each other but ultimately we loved each other.

We went on to have another child. We’ve been growing a successful business, and literally a couple of months ago I thought “this is it we’ve finally turned the corner”. I was so happy, we were having lots of sex and then he changed after a night out. I’ve never liked the woman who was there and he’s always laughed it off. He started being on his phone all the time. Two weeks ago I found a dick pic, he said it was because he had pain in it and he wanted to see where it was 🤔 I’ve been going mental and frantic at him telling him I know he’s lying he’s made me feel like a psycho that I’m unhinged. We’re away for half term with his family and our children and he told me two days ago that there had been inappropriate messages but nothing else. I told him to phone her so I could hear it from her. He acted so weird and just would not stop talking to her so she couldn’t speak. Then he finally admitted the dick pic was for her. Yesterday I said we were over and it didn’t matter what came out but out of respect he should tell me and he admitted to having sex with her twice. What do I do? I’m having to try and act normal in front of everyone. I don’t know what to do. I’m a mess

LEMtheoriginal Wed 01-Nov-17 06:39:37

You leave - you will never be happy with this man

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 06:46:54

I know I should. He’s saying he never got over what I did to him which I completely understand. I find it hard to deal with the pain I caused and this is what I don’t understand, how could he do it to me knowing how devastated he’s been about it. I love him though, I thought we were in a good place. He said I’ve never made him the priority. I thought I was doing a good job of showing him how much I loved him especially with our busy lives. The first night he slept with her he’d met in a lay by after work - so classy, I was at one of the DC’s activities and the baby was crawling everywhere so much so that another parent took over for a bit because they could see how much I was struggling, yet he was out there fucking another woman.

PNGirl Wed 01-Nov-17 07:07:39

This relationship is toxic. I think at this stage you both need to accept that the trust and loyalty has gone.

prettywhiteguitar Wed 01-Nov-17 07:12:24

He's not been the faithful type from the start, you can move on from this together but as co parents. You need to get out of the cycle of drama and the only way is to split up. He probably likes the illicit nature of cheating if he's meeting women in lay-bys.

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 07:26:40

I know you’re all right. We never had any counselling or help to get back on track and I was wondering if we did that with all our cards on the table could it work? I know I sound so pathetic. I had to lie and pretend I had proof of everything he’d done for him to finally admit it. I keep going from fucking hating his guts to not knowing how I could live without him in my future. I do take some responsibility because I know I destroyed him but he wouldn’t get help. I might be able to deal with it better if it was a revenge affair but he said it wasn’t that.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 01-Nov-17 07:31:00

Well you had an affair too ffs.

Poor kids.

Iris65 Wed 01-Nov-17 07:33:28

I do take some responsibility because I know I destroyed him

He has do e the same to you. Please don't let his manipulation make you think that it is your fault. It isn't.

Your relationship reminds me of my parents. They both had affairs, fought each other and generally made sure that they were both miserable......for 56 years. My Dad's funeral was on Monday, what kind of a life was that?

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 07:43:34

The kids have no idea what has gone on now or in the past. Only the immediate people involved know about anything. Iris65 that’s what I’m afraid of. If we get out now it could be amicable if we keep dragging on the relationship, even though we do love each other it could just become a cycle of who can hurt each other the most.

Flimp Wed 01-Nov-17 08:20:44

This is a shit show. Don’t let your kids see anymore of this.

Get out. Move on. Find a happy life.

expat38matt Wed 01-Nov-17 08:21:29

Confused sorry is it the same woman from way back?

ShatnersWig Wed 01-Nov-17 08:22:52

Both as bad as each other, possibly in different measures, but neither of you respect the other.

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 08:48:58

No it’s a different woman. This one’s young, slim and pretty who’s lusted after the posh car, big boss thing. I do think we’re as bad as each other that’s why I don’t know whether to give it another go but it had to be a complete fresh start for both of us.

PJsAndProsecco Wed 01-Nov-17 09:11:01

OP this is terrible, and you've both acted out of being hurt by the other person. You must talk, though, to find out what you both really want. If you DID decide to give it another go you need to let other people in on the circumstances. Hiding it all between yourselves won't help either of you. Tell good friends, go for marriage counselling. Bring it all out into the open with people you trust, who can give you both some accountability. That will be the only way you'd have a chance of having a fresh start.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 09:15:05

I think you both need some counselling.
Separately to being with and then together if you think there is anything worth salvaging here.
It sounds truly toxic.
Tit for tat etc.....
You most certainly don't love each other.
You do NOT do this to someone you love.
You just don't.
He's done it to you twice now.
He'll do it again.

Oly5 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:21:36

Sorry but you had an affair too. Both as bad as each other in my book.
I think you could both move on with help from a counsellor... you’d have to see both of you as to blame.
But it could also well be over.. don’t let your kids see this

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 10:19:52

I think that was the the problem before was that we kept it between ourselves thinking we could deal with it, no one would know and we could still maintain the perfect family facade. The children will never know anything, in all of this they are my priority. Even if we split they’ll never know why. When I had my affair I was suffering from dire post natal depression, I told no one not even DH because I felt I had to put on a front then it all came crashing down and when it was discovered it was Almost like the shock made everything re set and for the first time In years I’ve lived my life not being dogged by depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, I caused DH to descend into it instead. We were both utterly stupid not to get counselling and therapy because we felt it was a weakness to have to admit that we needed outside help. We aren’t people who talk about their emotions, especially me but that has to change.

Mustang27 Wed 01-Nov-17 10:37:25

If you have both strayed that says it all. I think end it and start fresh. Focus on yourself and who you are before seeking a relationship I think you would see what you truly want from life.

Counselling couples is not just for saving relationships you can absolutely go as a couple who are planning on splitting and see where you both went wrong, learn to take ownership of what blame is yours and then figure out what’s right for you in the future. It may end up that it is your husband but i just can’t see how something so broken could end up being the right thing for you both as you will always have that niggling doubt about each other.

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 10:44:42

Mustang27 that is so true. I’ve said to him that I’m
Not sure any amount of counselling would make up
For the sheer lies even when I was begging him to tell me the truth. He could look me in the eye and lie and then he’d have carried on with life with me only thinking a couple of sex messages had been exchanged. He’s promising me the earth but you do don’t you? This is the first time in my life I’ve felt I don’t need to be in a relationship, that I can do this by myself. It’s trying to break that pull that keeps us going back to each other.

Dauphinoise Wed 01-Nov-17 10:50:32

You're not good together. It sounds like a never-ending cycle of revenge affairs and hurting each other.

serialcheat Wed 01-Nov-17 11:28:19

This has a bit of ' Groundhog ' day about it. You're depressed, you have an affair to make you feel good, but you can't talk to your husband about any of it ( Presumably you lied about the affair, initially )

He finds out, he becomes depressed. Latently, he has an affair, presumably it makes him feel good about himself and then lies to you about it initially.

Now you are depressed again and..... Vulnerable. Maybe needing validation from someone again.

Your affair was ' intense ' but you had mitigating factors apparently !? He has had a brief affair but has none ?

You will both always throw each other's affairs into each other's faces. You will both always have the ' excuse ' that propagates your ( both ) affairs.

Neither of you has the moral high ground. I'm pretty sure he was as hurt and gutted over your affair as you seem to be now.

Things hadn't turned a corner, they were still in a subway.

Feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, rejection were always bubbling beneath the surface.

I agree with most on here, your relationship is toxic and over time will poison you both.

Littlechocola Wed 01-Nov-17 11:33:58

What are you BOTH doing to your children??
Do either of you think of them while you are having fun with your lovers?

Santawontbelong Wed 01-Nov-17 11:38:56

So you stay together, now it's your turn again, you get caught, them it's his turn, then yours.
Are you dizzy yet?
Divorce ASAP.

deydododatdodontdeydo Wed 01-Nov-17 11:40:50

I'm not sure who's worse here, although he's clearly in the wrong right now.
Doesn't sound salvagable to me. You are both of the same mindset of cheap ego boosts.
If you stay together, you'll end up like Iris65's parents.

Whatdoido17 Wed 01-Nov-17 11:58:42

That’s what I need to hear that it is toxic. I’ve just told him that I’m needing strangers to put common sense into me. I take the responsibility for how he’s been feeling after my affair, he was devastated. I’m angry at us both for not getting any outside help. I don’t think I could even have a relationship again yet alone an affair. That would definitely never ever happen on my part, I could never cause that hurt again. As I said the kids have absolutely no idea what is going on. We will be having therapy as individuals and as a couple because we just can’t let any of these feelings, hurts and resentments carry on in our future lives, whether that’s apart or together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now