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Why would anyone go for a single mum

(49 Posts)
Namechanger2735 Wed 01-Nov-17 00:12:12

Really this isn't top of my to do list or my highest priority but I do worry il be alone (with my children) forever.
Why would anyone choose to be with a single mum of 2 under 2 when they could have someone that can be free and fun?
I don't want to go out and drink and leave my children with someone so I can go out and pull so how would I ever meet someone when my life is my kids? I dunno. I just think as much as my kids are my life and I could never be incomplete when I have them, a part of me does want to be loved on a level that doesn't rely on dependence, I want to be myself with someone and they love me for me and not because I'm "mum" (but I want them to love that I am a mum).

Plus, two pregnancies has left me looking like a baggy old bin bag, I struggle to see why anyone would be interested.

wowimamazing Wed 01-Nov-17 00:13:40

I think you need to ease up on the use of the word ‘Mum’ first.
They are dating you, not your kids.

velouria Wed 01-Nov-17 00:19:12

Not all men want to be out on the pull every night, or off travelling. Plenty who would be happy to settle in the sofa once the kids are in bed. I know when I'm dating I'm not looking for the best I can get, or what a person can offer me, but someone I connect and get on with. Bring a mother doesn't preclude you from having a personality.

gluteustothemaximus Wed 01-Nov-17 00:22:09

OP, there are some lovely men out there, who would love you for you, and your children are part of you, so would love them too.

DH said he never wanted to meet a single mum, but then he met me, and it all changed and it didn’t matter.

I doubt you’d meet your dream man in a bar or club though. But you might through work, hobbies, other activities.

And sometimes, when you least expect it! 😀

MayFayner Wed 01-Nov-17 00:24:28

Don't think in terms of "who would want me", just think about whether you really want them or not.

mushmallow Wed 01-Nov-17 05:42:58

I met dp when dd1 was 20months. We came as a pair. DP is now DH and has adopted my dd1 who is now 7 and we have another lovely dd together who is 3.

Myheartbelongsto Wed 01-Nov-17 07:58:45

I've asked my boyfriend this and he just said but I met you and you had kids and that's it really.

How simple!

Inkandbone Wed 01-Nov-17 08:02:33

I think as my heart says, they fall for and everything falls into place

But I would advise caution personally.

Santawontbelong Wed 01-Nov-17 08:06:28

May I whisper to you that I found the best dh ever, best friend, best step df to my young dc , adviser to my older ones,
When we met I had multiple dc. And I mean lots. .
Married over 2 years, together nearly 5 and a gorgeous toddler to top it all off!

ShatnersWig Wed 01-Nov-17 08:08:25

I don't know any "single mums" with two kids who haven't had a serious boyfriend within three years of their relationship breaking down unless they specifically decided not to until their children were older. Not one who wanted a boyfriend didn't find one. They may have had a fair few dates to find one, and perhaps not have as many dates as someone without children (as much to do with time as anything else).

Whereas I know a LOT of single women - and men - who have no children who have been single for 5, 6, even 10 years, despite doing plenty of online dating and all the rest and have had no more than first dates or a couple of very short (ie three-month) relationships.

Therefore in my experience, you're more likely to have a partner again than someone without kids. Go figure!

Smeaton Wed 01-Nov-17 08:14:59

Op.. You're being too hard on yourself.

There's plenty of guys out there, decent guys, that understand a mum is a package. The best thing I can suggest is that you get regular child free nights or days and get on a couple dating sites. Make it clear you have children. No need for details. Make it clear when you're free. Someone will be happy to spend your spare time with you. Fwiw. I'm a single parent, I'm dating a single parent. It makes dates fewer than others might date but she's worth it.

KungFuEric Wed 01-Nov-17 08:17:43

I know certain men who seem to go for single mothers as they usually have a home they can move into.

Changedname3456 Wed 01-Nov-17 08:31:54

Circumstances will play a big part.

I guess you can’t always help who you fancy, but why would I concentrate on child free women when I have kids of my own? Why would I think they’re going to be a good long term match if I can’t see how they are with kids in their life? How can I get an idea of whether their parenting style is similar to mine?

Ok, there are always still risks. Just because someone’s given birth doesn’t automatically make them a nice person. They might just as easily hate the competition my kids introduce (or they may just hate my kids!). The family may not blend well, the kids may all resent the change etc etc. But generally, IMO, there’s way less risk (and more chance to spot potential problems) with a person who already has kids than one who doesn’t.

I guess I’m trying to say, in a way too convoluted post, that you will not be seen as some sort of damaged goods by many men. And I love my partner’s mummy tummy - it’s part of her history. It may not have been a shared history, but having her kids contributed to the personality, and person, I fell in love with.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Wed 01-Nov-17 08:42:37

To be honest when I met my girlfriend no amount of 'baggage' could have turned me off her (although the only person who's ever thought of or referred to the kids as baggage is their father.) My previous relationship had lasted ten years but my ex was never 'ready' for children in that time, which I was ok with. And then we split and I partied for a year or so.

But it was empty... then this amazing woman come along and she has two awesome little girls (the youngest was just 2 at that point) and to be honest I've never felt so complete.

I echo the earlier poster who said they loved their partner's mummy tummy - hard to explain but I think the comment that it's part of their story is true!

Lily2007 Wed 01-Nov-17 08:53:27

Only one of the single Mums I know hasn't got a new partner, the rest seem to have no shortage of offers, almost too many. I'm sure you will find someone in time. The one who hasn't is attractive, keeps fit but I think maybe scaring men off by being very forward and seems to be targeting husbands and much younger tennis instructors, she even tried my husband grin. She could have had him but he was terrified. I wouldn't recommend other people's husbands or tennis instructors (unless you are happy to be one of a few) but plenty of other men out there.

I think if a man is divorced with kids he may prefer someone in the same situation so that she can be a good Mum to his kids. Single men with no kids I think will just go on who they are attracted too.

BitchQueen90 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:04:55

I've been a single parent for almost 4 years and I've had no shortage of offers. More than I did pre DS. Even had an 18 year old ask me on a date and he knew I had a child! Obviously I politely declined.

I am single through choice though as I am very wary of who I let into my life. Unfortunately there are some men out there who deliberately target single mums for an easy ride believing them to be desperate for a partner. But there are some lovely men out there and they will understand that you and your DC come as a package. In this day and age too there are a lot of single dads.

Namechanger2735 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:14:39

To single mums/partners of single mums, how did you meet your partner?

Smeaton Wed 01-Nov-17 09:51:30

I met my date on Online dating. Its the easiest way for parents IMO. I couldn't date a school gate mum, awkward. I hate clubbing and going out drinking, so its online or approach women in Tesco..
"Our eyes met over the reductions table, she reached for the same reduced bit of limp looking beef and the rest is history.."

crispsahoy Wed 01-Nov-17 09:58:40

My DH never wanted to be a step-dad. He even told me once before we got together that he wasn't prepared to 'go out' with me because of my children. However we became closer and closer and fell in love. Now we're married with a dc of our own and he's a fantastic step dad.

It happens and happens when your not trying.

Lily2007 Wed 01-Nov-17 10:00:29

A lot of the single Mums I know met partners at sports clubs with cafes in. I would be cautious about getting involved quickly though as some of the men I suspect are married or of dubious intentions but normally if you take it slowly these will weed themselves out.

Meeting via friends is often the safest way but not always possible.

meowimacat Wed 01-Nov-17 11:19:59

This is exactly how I felt 8 months ago when I first became a single mum. I felt so upset about it, felt like i'd be alone forever. Well, 8 months into single life I can say I've had so much attention and I CHOOSE to be single. I've been asked out on lots of dates, and even been on a couple with guys that I then decided weren't for me - whereas they wanted to continue things. Granted, there are always those guys who think single mums are desperate etc. But there's guys who will try their luck with any girl.

What you need to do right now is work on yourself for a bit. You sound insecure (as was I), so get exercising, get pampering yourself, make yourself feel better about being you. I had twins so my body is totally not the same as it was, and that does also put me off being in a relationship, but I know that the right guy will happily accept me and when I'm ready to date I'll be so confident that if he doesn't accept me he knows where to go.

On nights I don't have DC I sometimes go to clubs/bars occasionally with friends now but NOT to meet guys. I go there to have fun and dance with my friends. The best way to meet other people is through hobbies and groups you can join local to you. Even the gym - i've been asked out by quite a few people that way, even the trainers confused

Don't panic so much about being alone forever, just focus on YOU for a bit and enjoy being by yourself.

PinkTiger Wed 01-Nov-17 12:08:10

It's market forces OP and you'll meet someone who suits you and you suit.

It's right that a single man of 25 is unlikely to be interested in a single mother as a first port of call - not to say it never happens but in OLD terms, being single would be a big weeding criteria.

A man of 50 with his own children is far more likely to want to be with a woman who has her own children for a lot of reasons but including not wanting a woman who wants to "start again" and have more babies and someone who he knows is capable of and interested in looking after children.

Between those two lie a whole range of men some who will be more one way or the other.

All you need to have a relationship is a reasonable pool of men who are potentially interested in you so that you have a reasonable chance of finding one that you like too.

You'll be fine.

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Nov-17 12:20:19

I have children myself & would only ever go for single Mum’s. They’re normally grounded, know that children will always come first & don't go all demanding & Princess tippy toes on you, if you can’t make them the centre of attention all of the time, due to your children.

You are in a position of strength, good luck & go for it flowers

1DAD2KIDS Wed 01-Nov-17 12:32:45

Like you two kids (boy 2, girl 6).. Hardly a free minute to my self with both the kids and working full time. Not much fun when you have no time to spend with anyone or let your hair down. Who wants to be with someone who's priority is raising a Family especially at 33? Its easy to get a bit down about it and think your updatable.

Well if it helps I would want to date a single mum and I do. I couldn't imagine dating a woman without kids as I would suspect they would want more than I could give and/or possibly kids down the line (done my bit, no more). Though in my circumstances the best I could hope for was a few causal things. I tried it, it was fun. But I wanted a bit more substantial. Plus the whole causal thing is exhausting. So I put my self out there and met someone. She is a single mum with to kids about the same age as mine. Its early days but going well. Because she is in the same boat as me we only see each other about once/twice a week (even though she lives 3 miles away). So yes raising our respective families gets in the way but it is possible. So it is possible if that's what you want. Dating is a horrendous game but you wont get anywhere if you don't get stuck in.

Plus I do know a couple of friends of mine without kids who met women with kids and are settled down nicely (one of them getting married next year).

blossomlemon Wed 01-Nov-17 12:45:10

Single mums are all different, I dated various men when DS was young and before I met DH, and none of them were put off. It was me who decided not to get more serious with them, because they weren't quite right for me, and that was the right thing to do in the end because DH was worth waiting for. However I did make an effort to use childcare, because I think in the early days of dating you need to focus on getting to know someone and it's easiest to do that without a dc in tow, and it allows you to be free and fun, if only for one evening. And yes I did go out and drink sometimes, I met DH at a bar when out with friends one night and we hit it off immediately. I don't think he would specifically choose to get in a relationship with a single mum - he chose to be with me, and the fact that I was a single mum was just part of my background.

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