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OH has sex videos of ex

(127 Posts)
lastnicknamefree Tue 31-Oct-17 22:16:08

The title says it all really. I’ve been with my partner 9 months, when we first got together and I was being nosey (no excuse) I looked at his work phone and saw several home made videos of himself and his ex wife having sex or her giving him a BJ.
I wasn’t overly happy and we had a bit of a row over it, he was obviously annoyed I’d looked at his phone which is a valid point and I was concerned he wasn’t over her and using the videos to masterbate to which isn’t the nicest thought when it’s your new partner.
He said he’d delete them, I checked today (I know I shouldn’t but it’s been 6 months and I was curious) he still has them on his phone.
I didn’t think he would have. They’ve been apart 7 years now and I’m pretty certain he’s over her, but I’m not comfortable with the knowledge he’s getting off on their home made porn films or keeping them as some kind of trophy.
I’m not sure if I’m being a total prude and over reacting, or if I have right to be upset/annoyed and say something.
I’d appreciate thoughts, and yes I know I shouldn’t be checking his phone so that doesn’t exactly make blame free in the situation, but that aside how would you feel? Any and all thoughts or advice greatly appreciated.

BluePheasant Tue 31-Oct-17 22:19:44

If you don’t have trust then you don’t have a relationship in my opinion. You’re only 9 months in, it’s not sounding great tbh.

Iris65 Tue 31-Oct-17 22:20:25

Totally unacceptable that he should still have them. I would demand that he get rid and if he won't ask what his ex would think if she is told he still has them?

pinkliquorice Tue 31-Oct-17 22:23:00

How would she feel that he still has them 7 years on?
He sounds like a creep tbh.

shivermytimbers Tue 31-Oct-17 22:23:13

Dump him. His behaviour isn't going to improve and he clearly doesn't have any grasp of boundaries. You'll be well rid.

DoloresKeane Tue 31-Oct-17 22:23:27

Well, if I was you, I'd probably move on. Tell him it's not you, it's him. Or that it's not working. Whatever.
I find the idea of him keeping videos of such an intimate act utterly distasteful.

BibbidiBobbidi Tue 31-Oct-17 22:24:11

I would be reconsidering the relationship to be honest.
It’s disrespectful to both you and her for him to still have those.
Could he be using them against her?
Definitely DON’T let him have anything of you that he can keep forever more shock

Sorry you’re going through this OP flowers

Justoneme Tue 31-Oct-17 22:24:48

Yuck

No excuse

Move on

Tilikum Tue 31-Oct-17 22:25:29

If they've been apart for 7 years he must have moved them over onto at least 3 or 4 different phones in that time. No, I would not be tolerating that.

The whole thing is just sleazy. If you dump him make sure you properly delete any videos he has of you or you might end up in his personal porn library too. Obviously don't tryst him to do it.

lastnicknamefree Tue 31-Oct-17 22:26:24

bluepheasant believe it or not I actually really do trust him. I know absolutely he’s faithful and wouldn’t cheat, I’m just a horribly nosey person and was enjoying looking at all the videos and photos of his kids while he was in the shower. blush I wasn’t thinking I’d look for anything suspicious but still don’t like that he has these videos, and as we are very happy together and I know he does love me, I wonder why he needs the videos still and hasn’t deleted them confused

Graphista Tue 31-Oct-17 22:27:30

No way that's the same phone he's made a concerted effort to keep them.

I'd dump him for the creepiness!

SonicBoomBoom Tue 31-Oct-17 22:27:57

What a creep.

NikiBabe Tue 31-Oct-17 22:28:02

I have sex videos of my ex that he took.
I havent deleted them. I dont watch them.

It doesnt mean I am hung up on him. I dont want him back.

But called sleazy and asked to delete to quell someone elses insecurity. That will be the day!

CandleLit Tue 31-Oct-17 22:28:06

Whatever you decide, think twice before allowing him to take any pics/vids of you...

DeltaWyvern Tue 31-Oct-17 22:29:43

I'm sorry, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

lastnicknamefree Tue 31-Oct-17 22:29:45

He doesn’t have anything of me, either photos or video of any type. For that exact reason.
I wondered if I was overreacting feeling really uncomfortable with it. My first thought was, what if his teenage daughter sees these on his phone, hardly very nice for her to see her parents like that. I don’t feel like I can confront him as I know I shouldn’t have looked, and it doesn’t make me much better for snooping at his phone blush

NikiBabe Tue 31-Oct-17 22:29:59

I’m just a horribly nosey person

You went thru his phone without permission and watched videos of his kids. After 9 months what business is it of yours.

Calling him a creep but you also have deeply unattractive qualities.

NikiBabe Tue 31-Oct-17 22:30:58

Whatever you decide, think twice before allowing him to take any pics/vids of you...

Why?

In case his next gf cant help herself snooping in his phone?

He never told her about them or shared them. He kept them.private.

Creampastry Tue 31-Oct-17 22:31:09

Delete the videos then delete him from your life

lastnicknamefree Tue 31-Oct-17 22:31:42

nikibabe thank you for your response, it’s good to hear both sides I guess. Can I ask why you keep them if not to watch?

Crowdo Tue 31-Oct-17 22:35:32

I think going through his phone is way worse than him having some old videos on his phone.

I'd dump you if you thought it was ok to go through my private images from before I even knew you.

lastnicknamefree Tue 31-Oct-17 22:41:50

Yes, I know crowdo I’ve acknowledged its crap and am not defending this side of it whatsoever. But whilst absolutely holding my hands up to this point, I’d still like thoughts and opinions on the video content

NikiBabe Tue 31-Oct-17 22:43:04

Can I ask why you keep them if not to watch?

I did watch them when we were still together when we were apart.

But now I dont have feelings for him im not bothered about them. However, I am in them and it was curious to see myself and I guess when Im old and grey I can have a laugh and remind myself.

Crowdo Tue 31-Oct-17 22:46:14

I don't think his videos are your business. I don't think you should have a say in what private things he keeps.

She was a big part of his life. You have to accept that. You can't control the past, rewrite it, or delete it.

Ohyesiam Tue 31-Oct-17 22:49:40

He lied to you, of course yanbu.

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