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Jealousy in DH...

27 replies

JealousyIsUnattractive · 31/10/2017 20:03

...is really starting to get on my nerves and is causing me to find him so unattractive.

Name change for this obviously.

He's always been a little jealous; of me, of our DD, of other people. But recently it's got worse.

DH has medical issues, but he refuses to sort them out i.e. contact his consultant to sort out his operation, I'm sure his consultant has "forgotten" him because he's not very proactive, he never cancels appointments he can't attend just doesn't go. And the more I nag the more he seems to shut down, so as I have enough to do I stopped, but that's not helped either.

DD is 2.4, but has several extra needs, and although she can walk she really struggles to walk very far at all. We get DLA for her and as a result of that she is entitled to the Think 2 hours (free 2 year old nursery hours) and the Nursery also use a special fund to fund another 15 hours on top of what she already gets. She misses quite a lot of Nursery due to appointments, and doesn't go to groups or anything very often as she's often at some appointment or other on her non Nursery days. She also has to have 1-1 for 5 of her 30 hours at Nursery as she can't do some of the physical activities due to her leg problems so has help with communication and development in that time (she's got a general delay of around 8 months and a speech delay of about 18 months). Despite all her issues she's so happy and loves Nursery. the staff are constantly telling me how amazing she is and how she's such a resilient little girl - just today when I picked her up I filled in yet another accident form this time she ran into the fence in garden again! they said she hardly notices she's hurt, stands back up rubs her injury a bit then gets on with what ever she was doing. I'm of course so proud of her, she goes through so much, gets poked and prodded by strangers, has different people in and out of the house and new people observing her at Nursery lots but she takes it all in her stride.

Due to DDs issues she gets a lot of extra attention, not just at Nursery but we've always got the GP or health visitor "popping" over to check she's alright and we also have a social worker from the SN and Disabilities department who regularly "checks in" with us all to make sure we're accessing the right support and are claiming all the benefits and everything we're entitled to, she also makes sure that we alert the correct people if DDs conditions change for better or worse.

I've recently found an online support group for DDs main conditions. It's mostly mothers and we're from all over the world. I love the group, we pick each other up when it's hard and our children are driving us mad, we laugh together about the funny bits, and just generally pick each other up when it's needed. I love the group, they've offered me loads of support and have been a sounding board when I've felt at the end of my tether with DD. The Social Worker recently found the money so that I could access some of the paid for resources and attend their local support meetings as the board is run by a charity so of course some bits cost. The resources have been great and the meetings are brilliant, I've met some really lovely people - this is my time, and it really helps my mental health to know there are other mums/dads/people that are going through similar with their children.

DH hates it all. He says I get way too much help, he thinks that everyone thinks I'm this amazing person who's coping with loads and that they all forget him. The Social Worker offered to find the money if he wanted to join a support group for either his condition or one of DDs. He said he didn't want to, as he has a hobby which takes place once a fortnight that he goes to.

He's now moaning that we can't get him "something" for just him, he means he wants something at home to help him relax forgetting he already has Sky TV, a PS4, Netflix and a gaming PC because I have my support group. When I pointed out his hobby, he kept going on about the amount of "support" i get and how it's not fair that no-one remembers he too is a dad.

He's just stormed off out the house in a fit of jealousy because one of the mums from my support group thought I was having a hard time and sent me a gift of Bath Bombs, A box of chocolates, a new teapot for my collection (i ask for them for my birthday/Christmas or spend any money I get for those occasions on them so that it doesn;t take money from DD), some face creams and a new pair of socks. There was also a lovely note saying I'm inspirational and a lot of the women in the group can't believe that I have so little support (I have my DM and DBro who both work so can't help loads but PILs don't help much at all) and I still laugh most of it off. I apparently look bad luck in the face and laugh. DH say it's not fair, he should be getting gifts and nice things because he's just as much DDs parent as I am. He admitted he's very jealous when I asked him. He says he doesn't know why everywhere I go I get a crowd of adoring fans, because he's as special as I am!

And I don't know what to do about it. I love him, he's great with DD. But he works a lot, and I'm often left on my own dealing with DD. I don't think I'm that much of an inspiration, I'm just a mum doing my best for my daughter, I'm like any other mother caring for her child, I don't love my child any less because she has a few issues and I won't stop caring or loving her even if they do get worse, but I'm not going to upset my support group by saying this, I am hoping these people will become life long friends.

What can I do to stop DHs jealousy? His life is in no way hard done by. I have my support meetings once a month, he has a hobby (will say if needs be) that he does once a fortnight with his friends, and we both work to provide for our child, although I work less and have a lot more flexibility as due to her conditions I can need to get her from Nursery at short notice so I wfh a lot, but as my job only pays the Nursery bill I actually earn a lot less.

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AnyFucker · 31/10/2017 20:07

Your daughter sounds more grown up than he does

My mind often boggles at how fantastic women put up with some really shit men

This is one of those times