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Jealousy in DH...

(28 Posts)
JealousyIsUnattractive Tue 31-Oct-17 20:03:30

...is really starting to get on my nerves and is causing me to find him so unattractive.

Name change for this obviously.

He's always been a little jealous; of me, of our DD, of other people. But recently it's got worse.

DH has medical issues, but he refuses to sort them out i.e. contact his consultant to sort out his operation, I'm sure his consultant has "forgotten" him because he's not very proactive, he never cancels appointments he can't attend just doesn't go. And the more I nag the more he seems to shut down, so as I have enough to do I stopped, but that's not helped either.

DD is 2.4, but has several extra needs, and although she can walk she really struggles to walk very far at all. We get DLA for her and as a result of that she is entitled to the Think 2 hours (free 2 year old nursery hours) and the Nursery also use a special fund to fund another 15 hours on top of what she already gets. She misses quite a lot of Nursery due to appointments, and doesn't go to groups or anything very often as she's often at some appointment or other on her non Nursery days. She also has to have 1-1 for 5 of her 30 hours at Nursery as she can't do some of the physical activities due to her leg problems so has help with communication and development in that time (she's got a general delay of around 8 months and a speech delay of about 18 months). Despite all her issues she's so happy and loves Nursery. the staff are constantly telling me how amazing she is and how she's such a resilient little girl - just today when I picked her up I filled in yet another accident form this time she ran into the fence in garden again! they said she hardly notices she's hurt, stands back up rubs her injury a bit then gets on with what ever she was doing. I'm of course so proud of her, she goes through so much, gets poked and prodded by strangers, has different people in and out of the house and new people observing her at Nursery lots but she takes it all in her stride.

Due to DDs issues she gets a lot of extra attention, not just at Nursery but we've always got the GP or health visitor "popping" over to check she's alright and we also have a social worker from the SN and Disabilities department who regularly "checks in" with us all to make sure we're accessing the right support and are claiming all the benefits and everything we're entitled to, she also makes sure that we alert the correct people if DDs conditions change for better or worse.

I've recently found an online support group for DDs main conditions. It's mostly mothers and we're from all over the world. I love the group, we pick each other up when it's hard and our children are driving us mad, we laugh together about the funny bits, and just generally pick each other up when it's needed. I love the group, they've offered me loads of support and have been a sounding board when I've felt at the end of my tether with DD. The Social Worker recently found the money so that I could access some of the paid for resources and attend their local support meetings as the board is run by a charity so of course some bits cost. The resources have been great and the meetings are brilliant, I've met some really lovely people - this is my time, and it really helps my mental health to know there are other mums/dads/people that are going through similar with their children.

DH hates it all. He says I get way too much help, he thinks that everyone thinks I'm this amazing person who's coping with loads and that they all forget him. The Social Worker offered to find the money if he wanted to join a support group for either his condition or one of DDs. He said he didn't want to, as he has a hobby which takes place once a fortnight that he goes to.

He's now moaning that we can't get him "something" for just him, he means he wants something at home to help him relax forgetting he already has Sky TV, a PS4, Netflix and a gaming PC because I have my support group. When I pointed out his hobby, he kept going on about the amount of "support" i get and how it's not fair that no-one remembers he too is a dad.

He's just stormed off out the house in a fit of jealousy because one of the mums from my support group thought I was having a hard time and sent me a gift of Bath Bombs, A box of chocolates, a new teapot for my collection (i ask for them for my birthday/Christmas or spend any money I get for those occasions on them so that it doesn;t take money from DD), some face creams and a new pair of socks. There was also a lovely note saying I'm inspirational and a lot of the women in the group can't believe that I have so little support (I have my DM and DBro who both work so can't help loads but PILs don't help much at all) and I still laugh most of it off. I apparently look bad luck in the face and laugh. DH say it's not fair, he should be getting gifts and nice things because he's just as much DDs parent as I am. He admitted he's very jealous when I asked him. He says he doesn't know why everywhere I go I get a crowd of adoring fans, because he's as special as I am!

And I don't know what to do about it. I love him, he's great with DD. But he works a lot, and I'm often left on my own dealing with DD. I don't think I'm that much of an inspiration, I'm just a mum doing my best for my daughter, I'm like any other mother caring for her child, I don't love my child any less because she has a few issues and I won't stop caring or loving her even if they do get worse, but I'm not going to upset my support group by saying this, I am hoping these people will become life long friends.

What can I do to stop DHs jealousy? His life is in no way hard done by. I have my support meetings once a month, he has a hobby (will say if needs be) that he does once a fortnight with his friends, and we both work to provide for our child, although I work less and have a lot more flexibility as due to her conditions I can need to get her from Nursery at short notice so I wfh a lot, but as my job only pays the Nursery bill I actually earn a lot less.

AnyFucker Tue 31-Oct-17 20:07:00

Your daughter sounds more grown up than he does

My mind often boggles at how fantastic women put up with some really shit men

This is one of those times

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 31-Oct-17 20:07:30

I'd be tempted to go away for a week and leave him to cope on his own with your daughter for that period, with no access to you or your brain to arrange, plan, organise, attend etc all the things you do.

Sadly that's not realistic, I'm sure, but he does need a wake up call. Selfish as well as jealous. What does he do for you both?

gamerchick Tue 31-Oct-17 20:08:22

So you basically have 2 kids then?

I know what I would be saying to him and I wouldn’t be mincing my words.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 31-Oct-17 20:14:11

You can't stop his jealousy.

You could ask him what he is going to do to stop his jealousy.

Have you considered totally ignoring his pathetic whining?

JealousyIsUnattractive Tue 31-Oct-17 20:39:58

He is actually really good with DD when she's home and she does adore him. He plays with her and takes her to the park and things, he's happy to change nappies and put her to bed but it's me doing the day-to-day stuff like appointments as he's generally working.

If I ignore him he just sighs and says I don't listen to him and what he wants.

JealousyIsUnattractive Tue 31-Oct-17 20:45:16

*when he's home from work

gamerchick Tue 31-Oct-17 20:49:29

So what if he is? You expect dads to be good with their kids.

Tell him to stop his bloody whining and you get out of life what you put in.

Fishface77 Tue 31-Oct-17 20:51:24

He's fucking awful.
Surprises me how many times I say those words.
Well done you op for being a grown up and a parent and looking after your daughter. Dump this sad sack twat. He begrudges you everything that brings you enjoyment.

beesandknees Tue 31-Oct-17 20:59:11

God he sounds so completely unbearable. Ugh

My ex was like this but he was much more subtle about it. To be so bold as to actually say out loud... he must think he's reasonable. I am so embarrassed for him, good lord what a child

PashPash Tue 31-Oct-17 20:59:33

** *He is actually really good with DD when she's home and she does adore him. He plays with her and takes her to the park and things, he's happy to change nappies and put her to be*d

That isn’t ’really good‘

That is parenting level: barely adequate

PashPash Tue 31-Oct-17 21:00:08

Bold fail on the quote there sorry.

Santawontbelong Tue 31-Oct-17 21:03:14

Ah a toddler and a terrible teenager.
Words fail me.

GodIsDead Tue 31-Oct-17 21:03:53

Your husband is an absolute wanker and you are crazy for putting up with his shit.

PashPash Tue 31-Oct-17 21:07:26

Or what god said

(Never thought I’d say that)

SandyY2K Tue 31-Oct-17 21:16:32

He reminds me of Prince Charles and my BIL .... so jealous.

My BIL resents and is jealous thst my Dsis has friends who rely on her for support.... even his mum calls her and gets support and he's jealous of that.

I think it stems from insecurity through their upbringing and Ned to feel validated and praised.

Don't bother including him in your support group by letting him know what gifts you get ... He can't deal with it.

JealousyIsUnattractive Tue 31-Oct-17 21:23:39

Sandy I don't usually this arrived while I was on the Nursery run and as he was coming in from work the neighbour handed it too him. He hung around while I opened it

AdalindSchade Tue 31-Oct-17 21:26:29

You love him?
Why, exactly?

BewareOfDragons Tue 31-Oct-17 21:27:38

Man-baby. Nice. He should be happy and relieved you're getting support. He should be happy and relieved your DD is getting support. Instead he's moaning about it.

I don't even know what to say I'm so shocked on your behalf that someone's husband would act like this!

ToffeeUp Tue 31-Oct-17 21:33:46

He is pathetic and an absolute dick. He should be proud and supportive of you.

Cherryberrypie Tue 31-Oct-17 21:56:50

His wife and child are offered support with difficult circumstances and he's jealous !!!!! He should be bloody glad that total strangers are taking the time to support his family while he cries about not getting any socks in the post for himself. Oh boy, I don't know what to say about that except to tell him to grow the f* up or Go back to his mummy until he learns how to be a man. Sounds like a complete selfish arse.

Mooncuplanding Tue 31-Oct-17 22:04:14

You know those really nice women who are married to complete wankers and everyone shakes their head about it in private wondering wtf is wrong with her

That's you that is

chinam Tue 31-Oct-17 22:08:46

Your husband is a man child. He is not really good. He's doing the basics. He needs to grow up.

Cambionome Tue 31-Oct-17 22:39:01

You've posted about him several times before, haven't you?
He is a pathetic waste of space and you need to seriously think about getting rid of him.

Thinkingofausername1 Wed 01-Nov-17 09:38:07

You can’t help someone, who won’t help themselves confused

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