I’ve been seeing this amazing guy for about two and a half months. We met quite organically, just by chance, rather than online dating or anything.
Anyway, our relationship began with a pretty intense mental connection (literally hours upon hours of conversation right from the start) but there was also plenty of physical attraction as well.
We didn’t have an official “what is this?” relationship talk. However, he told me a few weeks ago that he is not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sleeping with anyone else either.
We finally had sex this past weekend. The sex was AMAZING. The best sex I’ve ever had in my life.
But now some insecurities are setting in. The very first time we had sex happened very spontaneously. Neither of us were expecting it exactly, it just happened. And he climaxed in something like 90 seconds and seemed really ashamed of that. Despite how quick the whole thing was it was actually seriously hot. But he seemed to think he’d disappointed me. We had sex again later that evening and he was able to last longer and it was amazing. But after sex he seemed distant. He wasn’t cuddling me as much as I’m used to (although we’d not previously had sex we’d slept in the same bed a few times). We talked a little and it was sweet and then we both fell asleep.
In the morning he initially looked really fried, like actually shell shocked and he seemed more distant than usual. Then we had breakfast together and he started going back to his usual self. But he seemed shyer than before. He’s set up the next date and has also discussed various things he wants the two of us to do or see together over the next few weeks. He also referred to himself as “your boyfriend” and looked sooooooo shy when he said it. The thing is, he didn’t used to behave all that shy at all before we had sex, so why now?
Before we had sex I was CRAZY about him. Now that we’ve had sex I’m just blown away by how amazing he is (in and out of bed). But I’m not sure how he feels. I was a bit worried about how he became distant, although as I said he more or less returned to normal in the morning. Is it normal for a man to become distant briefly immediately after sex?
My (now) DH was similar after we first dtd. I have since found out that it was because he had built it up so much that when it finally happened he felt kind of lost, like he had nothing to focus his mind on. That sounds terrible, I can’t really find the words! But that was 10 years ago and we are still very very happy!
The chemicals released after sex are different for men and women. Women release oxytocin- making them feel loving, bonded and wanting to cuddle. Men have a huge drop in testosterone- making them pull away, feel sleepy and a bit distant. Hormone levels do restore fairly quickly though.
Sex does change things massively though for both of you. Perhaps you're both feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable, which is normal I think.
Yeah, by "don't worry yourself over how other people feel", I don't mean "you shouldn't care about the feelings of others". I literally mean, do not fret over the emotions that you believe other people are experiencing. You've no control over them, you can't even know whether you're reading their feelings correctly, and at an early stage of a relationship, you don't even know them well enough that they might want to talk about their feelings with you in any detail.
Focus on yourself, follow your own sense of manners and ethics and wait and see how the other person fits in with that.
Don't run around pre emptively trying to be the person that you predict the other person wants you to be Don't wonder about what the other person is feeling Just let them exist in your vicinity, let them be who they are, and watch and learn what kind of person they are.
THe last thing any woman needs is a man who requires her to read, predict, interpret and then succor his emotions, without him having to say a word. That way madness lies
Seems pretty clear to me. He probably thinks he didn’t last long enough or whatever and was reserved because he was worried you’d be disappointed.
You just need to both compliment each other to give each other confidence. Be honest, if you feel like he’s amazing, don’t play games and deliberately not send a text cos you don’t want to seem to keen. Text him, tell him how much you enjoyed yourself and you then open the lines of communication so that he can feel he can say “I thought you might be disappointed because it was short and sweet” or something.
You can’t appear too pushy to someone who’s really into you - they’d be made up. In fact that’s how great relationships start - both being honest, taking a bit of a punt that your feelings are reciprocated and just going for the whole thing. The start of a true love relationship is AMAZING, don’t pussy foot around playing games.
I would tell him how you feel as it might make him relax a bit knowing you're really happy. Just put something at the end of the next text you send him along the lines of "you make me really happy btw". He must be ultra keen if he's wanting to see you so regularly so I wouldn't over analyse things. My OH went weird after the first time we slept together too and he eventually admitted he really liked me and was scared I was going to hurt him and be disappointed with the sex. Our sex life has always been amazing so he's never had anything to worry about. Think he's just insecure deep down
He sounds like my husband! We had an incredible first date and talked for hours, had amazing sex (still is amazing!) and then for the next few months of dating he retreated a little - we still went out but he was shy. As I got to know him better, I found out he was talking with friends about how he felt and how he didn’t want to mess anything up and was just anxious. married and 2 kids later - I hope there’s a happy ending for you too ;) xx
YES I just remembered! My then boyfriend went quiet and wierd and wouldn’t look at me in the eye when he picked me up to take me out on our first Valentines together (it was exactly our first year anniversary of going out, too)
He acted so withdrawn I actually thought he was going to bin me! Was odd all night and then later back at my flat I found out why - he proposed completely out of the blue and had no idea how I would feel about the idea so was incredibly nervous and anxious.