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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shuts me out

46 replies

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 18:02

Has anyone had a relationship where your bf just goes distant after a fight, small texts that don't say much, you ask stuff but he dances round what you ask so you are left not knowing where you really stand , they won't make time to call to clear the air even when you ask them to .they act like you are already over .they work away so without them being willing on the other end of the phone your left hanging studying while they are prob kept busy and not worrying .and I'm left looking after our 4 yr old on top .would you say that's mental abuse ?

OP posts:

Report

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 19:05

Anyone had got any advise ?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 31/10/2017 19:15

I wouldn't call it abuse without knowing the details. It very much depends on the cause or what the argument was about.

It can depend whether you argue about the same things.... whether he feels he's right and sometimes people deal with problems in the manner they saw their parents deal with it.

Sometimes it's a fear of further conflict too.

It's not a mature way to handle things.

The best thing to do is raise the issue whev you aren't arguing. Express how you feel when this happens and try and agree on a way to handle disagreements on the future.

Biddylee · 31/10/2017 19:30

It's not a nice or grown up way to handle things.

Do you have to put up with this alot? Would he listen to you if you asked him to do thing differently?

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 20:12

It's happened alot , even if he knows I'm crying in frustration he does it

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2017 20:16

Does it feel like mental abuse to you?

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 20:23

Sometimes I think it does .like I'm not ever allowed to be happy or in a good place mentally before I'm kicked down again

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/10/2017 20:28

What things do you argue about?

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 20:30

Our future , where we heading , about him always being away. The fact I'm raising our child alone and didn't sign up for that. He gets angry and takes it out on me there are many things

OP posts:

Annieshop · 31/10/2017 20:33

From bitter experience I’d advise you have a google on the passive aggressive man, op.

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 20:34

Did you walk away?

OP posts:

Annieshop · 31/10/2017 20:39

I wish I had, but sadly only very recently after many years of misery.

buggerthebotox · 31/10/2017 20:41

Do you think he's hiding something, OP?

QuiteLikely5 · 31/10/2017 20:43

Does he have a choice in working away?
Did he say he would stop?

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 20:45

Said in the past he would leave and not lose me , but never did , he don't want to walk away from it. I googled passive aggressive and it's totally him

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Annieshop · 31/10/2017 21:14

Reading up on it was a massive eye opener to me. Some psychologists/psychiatrists say they love bomb at first.
You think he is attentive, charming and caring then - bam, the
punishment starts.
Whatever it is you want/need he will withhold it
to punish and control you. So if you want to talk - he won’t, he will frustrate your efforts to talk. It’s because of some thing you didn’t do,
he expects you to read his mind.
For anyone unlucky enough to hitch their wagon to one of these people it’s called the most unhappy of marriages - they got that right.
Good luck op, it’s a shit situation to be in.

user1499288566 · 31/10/2017 21:28

Does it ever change or get better

OP posts:

Annieshop · 31/10/2017 22:07

There’s some strategies that are recommended online sites that they
say can might turn the behaviour around if you do it early enough.
I didn’t know about any of this stuff back in my day and I don’t know of
anyone who’s tried it.

My ex got worse over time - withdrew everything until he was just a parasitic lodger instead of a partner.
I’m 5 months post divorce and have recently had to go nc as the PA got worse and he’s no spring chicken now either.

Guiltybystander · 31/10/2017 22:16

I wouldn't call it mental abuse. It is in a way, but the person doing it is not aware of what they are doing. Most people rarely abuse others mentally with full intention, willingly. They just do it out of ignorance or because they don't know any better, and have no idea about the impact their behaviour causes.

Jellyheadbang · 01/11/2017 03:33

I went out with a guy like this turns out he had a coke habit so when he was shutting me down and passive aggressiveness he was defending his secret and when he disappeared he was either on a binge or on a comedown.
Not saying your partner is a cokehead but just sharing my experience of similar behaviour.

Jellyheadbang · 01/11/2017 03:34

I told him loads of times how it impacted on me. He'd always apologise and change for a short time then back to normal again before too long.

Biddylee · 01/11/2017 06:54

user149 People don't tend to change. There might be a way that you change how you react that can affect his behaviour. But otherwise it's a horrible situation to be in.

I think you need to think about whether you want to be in the relationship. What does he do for you?

TammyswansonTwo · 01/11/2017 07:33

I think it can be a lot to do with their upbringing. My mum was great at this - if she was angry she would give you the silent treatment, withdraw affection, make me feel like she didn't love me anymore. Some people will replicate that as they get older - in my case it means I cannot stand to be given the cold shoulder, can't leave things after an argument, I need to talk about things right away. My husband has a bit of this in him but I explained to him early on that I cannot handle silent treatment and now when we do argue he doesn't behave that way.

I think it's possible to change why behaviour if you recognise it's wrong and you want to change it. The problem is I doubt either of those apply.

Have you sat him down when you're both calm and said that him behaving this way really hurts you? Have you communicated about this at all? People can act like arseholes in the throes of a row, it's how they perceive their behaviour and how rational they are when things are calm that should give you an idea of whether there's any chance he will change.

user1499288566 · 01/11/2017 08:37

Iv told him more times then I can remember about blanking me and shutting me out , yet he still does it .and when I have to ask I feel like a little kid begging.i get angry because you cannot sort anything over odd texts it makes things worse, yet it's to much to call me, he blames work and being busy but we all know if something is important enough anyone can steal 15 mins to call home

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hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2017 09:32

You need to stop responding and begging for scraps from this man.
Google 'stonewalling abuse'
Also please read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You need to stop being so reliant on his approval.
You'll never get it.
You can do everything he wants but he'll move the goalposts again and again.

Also google co-dependency. You will find yourself here.
You are a people pleaser.
Have a look at THIS SITE

How you respond to him right now is what basically 'floats his boat'
You can't change him or his behaviour you can only change how you respond to it.
I think if you went quiet for a few days and stopped the neediness, you'd see a different him.
Let him know you DON'T need him.
Respond to him exactly how he responds to you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/11/2017 12:27

Have I got this right:

He likes working away. He is happy with you doing all the childcare. He is happy being unmarried.

You want a future where he is actively engaged in the family. You are unhappy as you are. When you say you want a different future it first becomes a row and then he refuses to discuss. At which point you continue doing all the childcare and he continues working away.

He doesn't want what you want. You can't make him want to be what you want him to be. He won't change your life, only you can do that. What could you change?

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