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My husband is ill and I’m being a dick - help

(14 Posts)
AveAtqueVale Tue 31-Oct-17 14:02:54

Something is wrong with DH - not sure what yet but MS is on the cards, as are other autoimmune disorders and various other nasty things. This isn’t really about the medical stuff as I think that’s in hand but more how I’m reacting, which is shit. I’m literally falling apart. I can hardly bear to speak to him half the time. We have two DSs, 3 and 3 months, and I’m finding them very hard work. His mum and dad are understandably also worried and his dad in particular wants to be round to help a lot but actually he doesn’t help, and I find it exhausting and stressful and keep begging DH not to have him round. The flat is a tip because I can’t keep on top of things, and because we were supposed to be moving so I haven’t been bothered to get things sorted the way we’d like them. DH is a police officer and was due to transfer to another force, so we could be further from London and afford a bigger house and a garden for the DCs, but they won’t take him now with this going on. So we’ve pulled out of our chain and pissed everyone off. I’m already on antidepressants from having PND after DS1 - was tapering off when I became pregnant with DS2 and just kept on them. Haven’t had PND this time but now almost feel circumstantially depressed, but I don’t want to up the dose again. I feel so awful for DH, but I can’t being myself to be cheery and positive with him. I’m expending all my energy on being normal for DS1 and being attached to DS2. I just desperately want some space - DH has been off work now for 6 weeks and we’re cooped up together as I’m on maternity leave. He can’t even go anywhere himself as he can’t drive. He does his best but exhausts himself doing pointless stuff and then is too tired to do things with me and the DC. I feel so awful for feeling like this and acting like a dick when he needs help and support. I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is all so disjointed.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 31-Oct-17 14:15:14

Look its no wonder youre all over the place as your anxiety levels must be sky high. This is a difficult situation. Could you try just for today to live for today. Stop your mind from racing up ahead and try and cosy up for one day. If your dh has an autoimmune thing going on that doesnt mean forever. At least l presume in the police he gets paid while off. So rein in your thoughts and fears just for today. And try and have one peaceful evening.
But l fully understand it is very difficult. Mind yourself. Does the police have supports in place like counselling for members and staff?

MayFayner Tue 31-Oct-17 14:23:58

How awful for you. Your husband being ill while you have a toddler and newborn is stressful enough, let alone the house and job stuff.

Can your DH arrange that visits from his F happen mostly while you're out? Or can you go out when he arrives, and get some space? Maybe just bring the baby in a sling if 3yo is ok to stay with GF?

Sounds like everything is up in the air until you know exactly what you're dealing with and can plan a bit. I know what you mean about not wanting to up your meds but if it helps you through this time, it might be worth reconsidering flowers

AveAtqueVale Tue 31-Oct-17 14:52:51

I know what you mean june - mostly I manage. But I can’t bear to talk about any of it or I just feel like bursting into tears. And there’s so much up in the air I can’t atop my brain whirring. Even just silly things like I’ve got to sort out visiting schools for DS1 in this area rather than the ones we’d chosen for the place we were moving to. It’s almost like part of me is angry with DH even though I know that’s utterly ridiculous and I don’t blame him at all. And May maybe - DH wants me to see the gp tomorrow as I’m being so flaily. I’m meant to be taking DS1 to a friend’s house this evening to go trick or treating and it’s horrifying me. The thought of having to talk to my friend etc. I just want to hide.

TammyswansonTwo Tue 31-Oct-17 15:13:29

I don't mean this to be as blunt as it will probably sound but you really do need to support him more. I'm sure he is absolutely terrified and is probably now also terrified that you will leave him. Being the sick person in a relationship, the one who's spoiling everyone else's plans, is bloody horrendous, especially if he's usually the one who supports you / earns more, and especially when such debilitating diagnoses are being discussed. My husband wasn't brilliant about my illness stuff at first but has become much better. You do need to adjust and you do need to let go of the plans that now aren't happening or you're going to drive yourself insane. You need to focus on the immediate term and what everyone needs, including yourself, to get through. H

pallasathena Tue 31-Oct-17 18:42:09

Can you get out and about with the children? Sign up for a toddler group locally or story time sessions at your library where you'll meet other mums and have some precious time to yourself. Maybe get in-laws to babysit and take DH down the pub or to the cinema on a bit of a date night?
Focusing outwards instead of inwards might help you in coming to terms with the reality of what is happening, giving you a bit of space, a bit of time together to talk things through as a couple.
You'll feel stronger as a result I promise you.
When you're feeling stronger, you can be more of a support to DH and you'll feel more capable of managing yours and everyone else's expectations. But don't overdo it OP. If you don't look after yourself first, you can't look after others.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 31-Oct-17 18:49:29

What tammy said. Put yourself in his position - if you were facing MS and all you got from your wife was confirmation that you’re ruining her life.

Life has dealt you a shit hand in this situation and the consequences of it - I think it’s awful that his work transfer has been cancelled because of it - but he is the man you love and he is ill and feeling helpless and scared and probably very lonely.

I have so much compassion for you both.

Christinayangstwistedsista Tue 31-Oct-17 18:53:55

Its okay you are only human and it must be so overwhelming. When will he know what is wrong

BubblesPip Tue 31-Oct-17 18:55:02

flowers What a lot to deal with in such a short space of time. I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling. But I’m afraid to do have to echo what the others say, you absolutely have to support your dh. What a terrifying prospect he now faces. But also be honest with him, tell him you’re scared, stressed, fed up...he’ll most likely appreciate your honesty and want to understand how you’re feeling also.

Christinayangstwistedsista Tue 31-Oct-17 18:56:22

Where are your supports systems?

Haffdonga Tue 31-Oct-17 19:02:40

You could well have depression as a result of the circumstances. That wouldn't mean it's not depression and anti depressants could still be a useful weapon in your armoury of coping. Please see your GP for you .

Now, his un helpful df. How can you harness his desire to be helpful in a way that actually does help you and gets him out from under your feet? Can you get him to take your ds1 out to a soft play? Could you give him a shopping list and send him off to the supermarket? He's probably desperate to do something and would be glad to be given jobs.

You need to look after yourself so you can be there for your family. If that means a taking a break or getting anti depressants or crying on a friend's shoulder then do it. Don't feel guilty about having needs too. You are as important as your dh and as your ds1 and as your ds2 and if you don't prioritise your own mental and physical health then nobody benefits.


troodiedoo Tue 31-Oct-17 19:03:13

Oh gosh you poor thing flowers deep breaths, take it one day at a time. Hope your situation improves. You only know how strong you are when you don't have a choice. But try and avoid in laws if they are doing your nut. You all need space to process.

beesandknees Tue 31-Oct-17 19:20:48

Poor you OP and also of course poor DH and everyone else in the family.

You said this: I don’t want to up the dose again for antids - is there a reason for this? Just want to understand what your worry might be, because from my reading, it might be just the ticket to get you through such a trying time.

AveAtqueVale Wed 01-Nov-17 07:40:52

I suppose there’s no reason not to up the dose again. It just feels like a defeat, even though I know it isn’t. I hope DH doesn’t think I think he’s ruining my life. And I definitely don’t think he thinks I’ll leave him. I just feel like I can’t cope with much more. There’s various other stuff bubbling along in the background as well - DS1 is having SEN assessments, money is very tight as I’m not working - I went back to uni to retrain before DS1 was born and am now nearly finished medical school (though on maternity leave at the moment) but we partly needed to move to free up money for childcare in my final year.

We don’t know how long it’ll be until he gets a diagnosis- he was due to have an MRI last weekend but they wouldnt do it because it was within 6 weeks of him having surgery (for something totally unrelated), so it’s rescheduled for this Saturday. If that comes up clear then that’s great but then we’re still left wondering what the heck is going on. His mum is paying for him to see a private neurologist next Tuesday, which might hopefully speed things up a bit, but I’m not sure he’ll be able to help much without the MRI results. I think DH is scared, obviously, but still seems to think whatever this is he’ll be back to normal in a few months, back on the front line at work and maybe even able to make his transfer. I’m not sure how much is genuine obliviousness and how much is burying his head in the sand, but even though I know it’s his coping mechanism it’s utterly infuriating and makes discussion about what the hell we’re going to do very difficult. I suppose he could be right as well, I just don’t think it’s likely.

Anyway thank you to everyone who was kind and to everyone who gave me a bit of a shake. Going out to DS1’s friend last night and just being normal actually helped a lot. I just need to get my shit together today.

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