In a total mess-money related-messed up big time

[inamess0111]

I don't really know where to start with this, it is such a mess and I am feeling sick, anxious, unable to function with thoughts of ending everything.

I got myself into a huge mess with debt, 31k, this has built over the last 10 years, not earning enough on mat leave, transferring balances onto 0% credit cards, minimum payments and never making any headway. All of this has been secret from my DH who covers the household bills, is absolutely amazing and the longer it has gone on, the more heartbreaking the thought of telling him has been.

I don't know what I was thinking, that something would come along and make the problem go away...I have finally cracked, I am in a position where I am earning decent money and he wants to remortgage the house onto a fixed rate and all of this is going to spiral out of control.

I confessed all to my mum a month ago and she has given me 25k. All of this has been paid off the debt leaving 6k outstanding but with the length of time I am waiting for credit reports to update I am worried this will all come spilling out in the mortgage application. I also lied about a pay rise saying I only got it this month when questioned about my earnings, I actually got it a few months ago and am going to have to tell him this when I give him copies of my payslips for the mortgage.

I am so so ashamed that I let the mess get this big and have lied and deceived. He is everything to me and I know I am really at absolute total risk of losing everything over this. We have 2 beautiful DC and he is the love of my life.

I don't know how long I can hold off waiting for the credit reports to update. I am on the brink of a breakdown, struggling to keep everything together, can't eat, can't sleep. He knows I am stressed at work and tearful but this is obviously a whole other level.

I just don't think I can tell him.

I know I am not the only person to be in this situation and I honestly have learnt my lesson and would never ever get into debt again. This has been at the back of my mind for so many years and I feel I am getting to a point where it is nearly resolved but how can our relationship be healthy with this hanging over me...?

[Chchchchangeabout]

Is there any way to avoid telling him without him finding out anyway though? Maybe showing him this thread would be an option as it lays out your thoughts really eloquently.

[category12]

I think you have to tell him. If he finds out through credit reports or your mortgage lender, it'll be far worse.

[BubblesPip]

I don’t think you have much choice but to be honest. It’s far better him finding out from you than when you get rejected for a mortgage.

I’d also show him this post.

[reetgood]

You might want to try posting this on money specific boards : debt free wannabe board on the money saving expert forums in particular.

I am of the opinion that you need to tell your partner. He may not take it well, but it’s a better option than allowing him to find out be other means. What will help is if you have a plan about how you will repay the loan and crucially, how you can avoid taking out further credit in the future.

That said, you are married and if the debt was incurred due to not earning enough on maternity pay, it’s not your problem alone. Is there a reason you didn’t feel you could discuss this with him at the time?

I would do a household budget, with all income, debt repayment and outgoings. It sounds to me like your outgoings excess your incoming by up to £3k a year. If your husband doesn’t know this, he can’t do anything about it. You need to set a realistic budget and payment plan. You can contact Stepchange, who are a debt Advice charity, for support with this.

You may need to give your husband time to process this information. It’s the lying that will probably get to him more than the actual debt. However it will be so, so much better than living like this for the foreseeable or letting him find out through other means. It will also help you deal with the shame of debt - by taking charge you give yourself confidence that you can manage it. Which you can, but you need to address the root cause rather than deferring addressing the problem. There are lots and lots of people with even bigger consumer debt than you, and there is never a problem so big it can’t be solved. Posting on the debt free wannabe board might help you see that!

[pog100]

How long have you been with him and what have you spent the money on? I ask because if you have been with him for some time and the spending hasn't been on frivolous things for yourself then the problem is not your own, it is in your family finances. I know a lot of people keep finances separate but it should still surely been a team effort. Of course keeping quite about the increasing debt is a big mistake but one he should be able to digest and move on with, as far as I am concerned. It is very generous of your mother, and I assume you can now come up with a plan to pay her back slowly?
Anyway, no way should you just panic, you need to bite the bullet. However, please carefully consider why you are in debt and why you were scared of telling him. Neither of them sit well. Good luck!

[Sadlady77]

I think you need to tell him. You are making yourself sick with worry and it looks like it will all come out with the mortgage application anyway.

Maybe if you could go to him with solutions as to how you can pay it back then that might help?

[category12]

Also if you weren't earning enough on maternity leave, why didn't you tell your dh or ask him to meet the shortfall? The pregnancy was something you both wanted, so why would you be kept short?

[inamess0111]

I have written him a letter changeabout as I think if it comes to it I will have to give him a letter otherwise the words will never come out. So I am prepared if I need to do it.

The credit reports should update in the next few days so if I can hold off that will be better but I will still have to tell him about the 6k and the payrise which is obviously still lies and I feel so awful about all of it. I keep thinking if it was him I would forgive him and I want us to move to a point of being equal and open about finances which we haven't been for years. To be truthful, I don't know what he earns either and he took out a loan last year without discussing it with me.

I appreciate this is not a good basis for a marriage, we have been together 18 years and I love him with all my heart.

[inamess0111]

Maternity leave was 10 and 8 years ago, that was when the credit cards started ramping up, just on petrol and nappies etc, probably fairly irresponsibly of me as didn't really save for mat leave then we had extortionate childcare costs. I then took a job with less hours and less money and just got into a huge hole, buried my head in the sand and just kept paying minimum payments and never really facing up to it.

Re my mum. She is amazing, it was money put aside for inheritance anyway and my siblings will/have had similar she has told me she doesn't want it back.

With the 6k left, I have been spending 1k a month on interest payments alone on the full debt and so I can clear the meaning in less than 6 months now that I am not servicing the interest. I am confident I can do this as I just want it all gone and never want to owe a penny again (excluding mortgage).

Thank you all so much for your advice and understanding, it really does feel better to have an outlet to 'talk' to.

[TheNaze73]

In my eyes, this is as bad as cheating sexually

[NapQueen]

Whilst you were on mat leave was dh still expecting you to contribute the usual amounts to the family costs?

[inamess0111]

TheNaze73-thanks for your view. I am aware that this is hugely deceitful and what is at stake here.

Re contributing to the family costs, I always paid for my own phone/shopping including food for all of us/activities/days out etc. But he has always covered the lions share of the bills due to earning more. As I am now earning far more, this needs to be redressed clearly and I haven't been able to do this before now due to the debt repayments.

[Pumkinfailure]

I have a thread in relationships currently. I'm on the other side of this, my husband is ypu, apart rom he has lied repeatedly after being found out and helped. I really wish he'd told me, it's the lies and deceipt that has broken me.

[reetgood]

I think you need to have a discussion about money before you take a mortgage - you are earning less but don’t seem comfortable coming up with joint solutions to this? I assume you’re earning less due to taking a part time role that fits with childcare commitments. That’s a family decision and the financial implications should be shared by both of you. If he is also using credit without discussing it with you, I’d have serious concerns about your joint outgoings exceeding your means. You need to address this, ideally together! You could use the impending application to have a bit of a cards on the table how are we going to solve this discussion. In a way this could be an opportunity to change your financial habits and improve both your lives.

I’m sure you don’t need telling but that gifted £23k could have been a deposit. I would be concerned that if you don’t find a way to talk about money, you will find yourself in a similar situation despite your best intentions. If there isn’t enough money, there isn’t enough money. That’s not something you should be fixing on your own. You need to know where you stand financially in order to start making informed decisions.

[Thebluedog]

Look at noddle.com, it's a free credit rating service and will give you a good indication of what's been cleared and what's outstanding and what your credit rating is.

[WitchesHatRim]

This is what broke my first marriage. The lies and deceit are the issue not necessarily the debt.

Plus now your DM is also involved.

[Sunshineandshopping]

I really think you need to tell him the whole story not just about the £6k and you need to tell him how you got there. I must say I agree with thenaze for me this is on par with cheating and I think you and your dh need to think about why you are not working as a team financially. Best wishes op you clearly feel horrible about the whole thing.

[Ausparent]

Tell him. Money problems never ever get better by being buried. My DH has done this to me on a far smaller scale but it was still really frustrating.

In your position I would try and put together a repayment plan so instead of just dumping a massive problem on him, you are presenting him with a solution at the same time.

[inamess0111]

Thanks again, I have looked at experian, noddle and clearscore, as I say the debt was cleared a month ago so I am waiting for the reports to update.

I am not underestimating the hurt and betrayal that this will cause. Yes my DM is involved but she has been amazing and I did not just tell her to bail me out, I needed help and support. I am not a bad person, just naive and got myself into a mess. I would do anything to rewind time and say to him 8 years ago we need to budget together.

[Pumkinfailure]

Honestly tell him before he finds out. I discovered my husbands debt and lies and the first few times bailed him out and wanted to help. This time I just can't get past the lies.
If you want to save your relationship you need to tell him.

[inamess0111]

Also, I am very clear that I can clear the remainder and have complete transparency with him when it comes to money going forwards. This is what I want. I could not feel any more ashamed of myself for letting it get to this point.

[LellyM]

Just to echo some of the other comments, you do need to take a deep breath and tell the truth. It will be painful but not as bad as finding out if/when if affects a mortgage application.

DH will be upset/angry but should be more worried and concerned at the way you feel. You have a life with this person and have committed to each other so you need to come clean and not hide anything in the future.

I did something similar a while ago and DH was irritated but not too bad. Now it is all under control and the stress is lower.

Be brave and do it!

Lx

[GreenTulips]

You have several expensive months ahead of you in terms of Christmas and January

Tell him your concerned about remortgaging and should consider staying as you are for now

Then pay off as much debt as you can and start budgeting properly

This will give you some breathing space and build a better credit score

Also gives you time to reflect and consider how you are going to explain the situation, you didn't do it to harm him, as you say it spiraled.
But you need to say that you have reformed and are in control

That £1000 a month must have been excruciating to hide

[hellsbellsmelons]

so if I can hold off that will be better
It really won't.
Please find the courage and strength to tell him EVERYTHING.
I believe he is partly to blame for all of this anyway.
Did you ever budget together?
WTF did he think all your money was coming from?
Honestly, you both need to sit down and talk about this.
What happened, why, ways forward...etc..

Do NOT keep him the dark any longer.
It's so unfair on him and your DC.
Start being honest with him about everything.