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Is leaving the right decision?

(12 Posts)
flso Tue 31-Oct-17 12:26:48

I posted a few weeks ago about problems I was having with my boyfriend of four years. We're 26 and have lived together for almost 3 years.

I feel like we've grown apart and that our values, interests, lifestyles have changed - but not in the same way.

I feel taken for granted. He never really helped with housework unless I specifically asked him to, and then it would take a while for him to get round to it. It was like he didn't see what needed doing. I think his mum did a lot for him growing up - she always tries to tidy up, do the washing or ironing when she comes to stay with us!

We have different hobbies and lifestyles. I'm early to bed, early to rise; I like making the most of my day, getting out for a walk in the countryside, meeting friends, reading a good book, cooking. He's late to bed, late to rise and likes spending his spare time playing computer games. Sometimes it feels like he's still a student!

Our sex life used to be ok, but now is none existent - when I've tried to talk to him about it he's said he's stressed with work and that he's lost his mojo. I can't even remember when we last time we did it.

Marriage is really important to me (I'm quite traditional, and it was an expectation that when I moved in with him, a proposal wouldn't be long to follow - yet he shows no signs, and whenever I mention it says not to worry).

I felt like every time I tried to talk to him about any issues, he didn't listen or brushed it off as me being tired. On Sunday I told him I needed some space, packed a bag and moved out. I've basically spent the last two days crying and struggling with the decision of what to do next.

Do I try to explain to him again what was making me unhappy, agree on some changes and move back in and try to make it work?

Or is expecting him to change too much to ask - would I essentially be asking him to become a different person by asking him to change his hobbies, lifestyle and the way he shows his appreciation for me?

I feel like I want to go back to him and I'm upset and scared of losing him. But I'm also worried that, if I go back, it will get better for a short amount of time, and then just go back to how things were.

When I talked the whole thing through with my parents, they said because of all the above they don't see it working in the long run and suggest I move out and find happiness elsewhere - that there will be someone out there who finds me intelligent, attractive and irresistible. When I talk to my family and friends, I get the resolve to leave and feel like I should leave. But when I read back through his texts, I know how much he loves me and is worried about me, and feel like I would be crazy to lose him and should give it another go.

Any advice?

PNGirl Tue 31-Oct-17 12:31:13

I think it sounds like you don't have enough in common to make it work long term (and it doesn't sound like a relationship where opposites will complement each other). He may promise to change but the hobbies, lifestyle and housework are big hurdles.

Cricrichan Tue 31-Oct-17 12:35:21

You're light years ahead of him. He's still happy living the life of a teenager and you're a full grown adult.

Thegiantofillinois Tue 31-Oct-17 12:36:23

Leave. I have friends who limped along in relationships like this for years. You're 26!

fitbit Tue 31-Oct-17 12:39:39

If you feel you have grown apart then you probably have.
It is difficult to think you have "wasted" 3 years of your life on a relationship. It is also difficult to walk away.

What you need to evaluate is - does he make you happy all of the time? could you spend your life without him?
Do you see if things don't change from the last 6 months etc being with him for the rest of your life and growing old together? If he decides he doesn't want to get married - could you still stay or is that your ideal - as if he doesn't then maybe he will see it that you are trying to change him and feel forced! (probably not but one to think about)

Sometimes people stay together out of "well its what we know!"

Sounds to me like you know the answer but you (and only you) can make that decision.

sorry if not helpful but more thought prevoking

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 31-Oct-17 12:44:35

He will be panicking at the thought of losing you as he knows it's only because of you that he can live the way he lives.

But you're so young. There are so many young men out there. If you stay with this man the relationship will at the very best stay the same. Do you really want that?

Your parents and friends are giving you good advice. Don't read old texts. Write a pros and cons list (but unlike in Friends, make sure it can't be found!) and read that instead.

You could have a great life. This guy is dragging you down.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Tue 31-Oct-17 13:19:18

The problem is that what he's content and happy with is the situation as it is - with you doing everything and him lazy around with his games.

He's not ready to grow into that responsible, interesting person you need yet, and you can't force it.

This is going to sound brutally blunt but even though he probably does really love you, a lot of that love is wrapped up in the fact you basically look after him and he can depend on you. And there's the sad part - I don't think he's in love with the interested, motivated part of you that you're developed. You've outgrown him and trying to drag him with you won't work.

This happened with my girlfriend and her ex and a couple of our other friends, the same thing happened but later - it might sound harsh but I think it's almost lucky you're at this stage so young (I don't mean that in a patronising way!)

hellsbellsmelons Tue 31-Oct-17 14:26:35

Listen to your parents.
They sound very sensible.
You would be going back to the same old same old.
26 and no sex - fuck that.
I would have to assume that these late night computer games involved porn and much wanking!!
You have absolutely NOTHING in common.
Time to get out there and enjoy life and find someone with more common interests.
You are way too young to settle for this guy.

flso Tue 31-Oct-17 15:20:13

Thank you all so much for your comments - I think the thing that is upsetting me the most is the thought of losing him as a friend and of upsetting him.

Maybe I'm too nice!

fitbit Tue 31-Oct-17 15:30:01

I know that thought! It's nice to be nice but better to be kind to yourself.

peachgreen Tue 31-Oct-17 16:26:48

I wasted ten years of my life in a relationship just like this. I issued ultimatum after ultimatum and nothing ever changed. Finally left when I was 28. It was hard - like you, I didn't think I could bear hurting him or losing him as a friend - but actually it was ultimately far easier than I was expecting and we've both moved on completely. I hardly ever even think about him now, to be honest. Fundamentally we were different people and we would never have made each other truly happy.

By my 30th birthday I had been living with my now DH for 9 months. I'm now 33 and we're married, have bought a house, live in a new country and are expecting a baby. I am blissfully, deliriously happy and fulfilled in a way I never thought I could be by a relationship.

What I'm trying to say is that break-ups are easier than you think, things happen fast when you find the right person, and this guy is not it.

Good luck OP - you deserve better!

Reflexella Tue 31-Oct-17 21:27:01

Very similar to my old relationship.

He was a gamer & very antisocial. I spent too many years being lonely in the relationship.

With break ups the most difficult time is the grey area trying to make a decision.

Your parents have it right - listen to them x

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