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The 'Taking a Break from Dating' Support Thread

(263 Posts)
Biddylee Tue 31-Oct-17 09:27:40

Hello,

I need to take a break from dating - online or otherwise. Because although I'm prepared to get back on the horse and try again, I seem to be encountering the same mistakes.

So this is a space for those who need to take a break, need encouraging to stick with the break and NOT PANIC THAT ALL THE GOOD MEN/WOMEN HAVE LEFT THE PLANET while they are taking a break.

For those seeking some hand holding because they feel a bit drained by it all.

For those who came across a helpful article about being single and happy.

Biddylee Tue 31-Oct-17 09:29:47

So here's something I have been reading:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/overcoming-your-fear-of-having-standards-in-your-relationships/

I need to have stronger boundaries. I'm too much of a push over. And so I find myself a bit futher down the line with someone that I should have said no thank you too after a couple of dates.

I let people off the hook - any thoughts?

SerialMistakeMaker Tue 31-Oct-17 21:07:40

BIDDY Thank you so much for that link. It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning after last night.
It was spot on about how when you stand up for yourself and decide enough is enough and I'm not going to take this crap anymore, they get the arsehole about it.
I wrote on the dating thread that I told Mr RL that enough was enough after a year of messing me around and he blocked me.
I was exactly like they said in that blog, worried about sounding argumentative and up my own backside, making him back away, him getting mad at me and I even tried to explain to him that I wasn't being bitchy, it's just all messing with my head.
It's not the first time I've said something like this to him, I've told him 3 other times that I can't carry on taking to him if I'm never going to get to see him or have a relationship with him and all 3 times he's ok I understand and has stopped talking to me for a few weeks but then he always comes back but still I've never seen him again.
This time I've realised that if he had any feelings for me at all and if there was any part of him that wanted to see me then he would've done something about it by now.
I think I was just an ego boost to him, having someone dangling on a thread who's there when you you can be bothered to talk to them and ignore then when you can't.
I deserve much better than that

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 07:05:04

serial Yes - you deserve to have someone to treat you thoughtfully. There should be room in dating for kindness but it seems that for some people it's about what they can get. Mr Functioning Alcoholic who I went out with earlier this year was only around when it was convenient.

On the subject of boundaries, I let Mr Young Man off the hook about a couple of things on my second date. I was a bit drunk so my laid back attitude became even more laid back - so I have noted to myself that I should try and avoid the drink and also make sure I need to be home on dates 1 , 2 and 3. I also should have stood up for myself.

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 07:06:27

More stuff on boundaries here:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-the-levels-of-boundaries-and-discomfort-working-your-way-from-low-level-to-dangerous/

What I've found is that my boundaries are loose elsewhere - some family members, friends, work stuff. I need to toughen up (already have this year - will get there!!!)

SerialMistakeMaker Wed 01-Nov-17 10:56:23

The other thing I worry about having a new relationship is the fact that I've always been an insecure person and prone to jealousy.

I wonder how I would cope in a relationship now, especially as modern technology makes it so easy for people to chat to each other.
How do you know that if you meet someone that they're not still talking to other women online, it's so easily done.

I'm hoping that when you meet someone and you know it's right and that they feel the same way that there won't be the worried and insecurities as hopefully the other person will be fully committed to the relationship and wouldn't want to mess around

meowimacat Wed 01-Nov-17 11:08:30

Hey guys, there was a thread for something similar a while back that I joined.
I'm not in the right mind to date right now. I'm very prone to dating people who are bad for me narcissists/EA and as I've just come out of a EA relationship and fell for another narcissist (we didn't date although came close to it), I just realise I need to take a step back and fix things about me so I can be in a healthy relationship.

I can be insecure and prone to jealousy too. That's why I need to take this break and work on myself. I think it's so important to take time out to deal with your issues when single. I know so many single friends who spend years on their own and now one is trying to get into a relationship but she's so insecure still she sabotages it before it's even begun.

SerialMistakeMaker Wed 01-Nov-17 12:04:00

MEOW Sounds like there's no chance for us then if you're friend has taken time out and still self sabotages!! lol

I feel as though I can't be bothered with it all but I do really miss the excitement of having conversations with new people, maybe it's just the attention that I'm craving or maybe it's just that I enjoy having social interactions with people, normally it's just the kids that I spend time with

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 12:49:42

serial and Meow

I've generally not felt too insecure or jealous. Although the last person I was dating tried to say something to make me react in a jealous manner - it didn't work. I think if you meet the right person, they will make you feel secure. I do think some insecurity can be triggered by observations of bad behaviour. Or other red flags.

I am taking a break and need some encouragement to stick to it. Although I'm really not in the mood to meet anyone. Focusing on fixing me is most important!

1DAD2KIDS Wed 01-Nov-17 12:53:25

Online Dating is horrendous and totally draining. I found myself having to have break now and then and getting totally disillusioned with it. On the other hand being a single working parent not much opportunity to go socialising and doing things the old fashioned way. Its like a catch 22. Luckily I found someone recently (its early days). Hopefully it all goes well because I don't want to have to do it again.

SerialMistakeMaker I think that is what makes modern online dating thing hard, the fact that its a wide and open market with people talking to multiple others and searching for other at the same time to talking to you. Probably why often you'll be talking to someone, its all going well, then poooof they disappear off the face of the earth.

meowimacat I'm the same but sometimes when I date someone who is very good for me I struggle to form an attachment. Hopefully this will change with the woman I am dating now, she is lovely. I wonder is some people are just programed for abuse? My ex wife left me and the kids for her step cousin who was physically and emotionally abusive to her when they were together before we met. He is still a pig, treats her like shit and spends her money. Why would someone leave their family and husband who loved them to the moon and back to return to that relationship (unless you believe in karma for all the years she was manipulative and violent to me)? Maybe some people are programed like that and cant break the cycle?

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 12:53:26

serial Re: adult interactions - perhaps take up a hobby. I really like meeting people too. Have limited time due to childcare but thinking of organising stuff at my place.

I do think we grow and change. A few years ago, i would have stuck with a functioning alcoholic or felt fine sticking around with a shouty man who has minimal interest in my life but now I know that this isn't good enough and I have drawn a line under both relationships. We do have the capacity to change and get stronger.

1DAD2KIDS Wed 01-Nov-17 12:58:21

I think you understand yourself, relationships and what you want more as you get more life experience and older. Plus you criteria changes to meet your current lifestyle. Maybe the older we get therefore the pickier we get?

SerialMistakeMaker Wed 01-Nov-17 13:25:03

Hi 1DAD I was only thinking about you this morning and wondering how you've been getting on with your new lady!!

BIDDY I'm in the same boat as you, I think I'm a 'people person' and love chatting and laughing with people but due to having 2 kids there's not much time to do this.

The dad isn't involved as he was violent so I rely on my parents to give me break from the kids and most hobbies/groups are on set days every week, which I can't guarantee I can get to.

I was only thinking the other day that it would be really good if loads of people on the dating thread all lived near each other so that we could meet an go for coffee as it feels like we are all friends on here

meowimacat Wed 01-Nov-17 14:22:05

SerialMistakeMaker no what i meant was she's been single a long time and NOT worked on her insecurity/issues at all. That's why there IS hope for us if we can learn to be more confident etc. Instead of doing that she's sort of just wallowed along for 3+ years feeling sorry for herself (I know I sound mean but she has big needy issues) and so when she jumped back into a relationship recently she ruined it almost straight away being exactly how she was 3 years ago - searching his phone, triple messaging him and calling him endlessly if she didn't get a response. I mean even I'm not as bad as her lol. She knows she has problems too just won't deal with them.

Biddylee The reason I think for my insecurity is because I've always dated narcissists who act 'above' me and then make me feel rubbish. Completely changing who I go for now (not that I want to go for anyone right now) and know the warning signs to look out for.

1DAD2KIDS I've followed your threads for a while as we're in similar situations, although I did leave my ex. Sorry to hear about all you've gone through and have no clue why your ex chose an abusive relationship over a loving one...I guess trauma bonding etc. But I am similar to you, and have quite a few guys at the moment who are all lovely and very interested in me but I can't feel any excitement to date them. Even though physically they're good looking. Then the one person I am currently trying to get over who treats me badly I'm interested in. haha. It's not just the treat em mean thing though for me, I think it's that desperation to prove myself...and that comes from my mum and always wanting to prove I was good enough to her as I guess a lot of the time she was very critical. So right now I'm trying to fix myself.

OLD is just a nightmare to me. I look about 23-25, look after myself well and attract younger guys every time. But most of them don't have kids so when they eventually find out I do that's it. I also hate the idea that a guy is chatting to a multitude of women and can have his pick of any. It actually makes me feel sick. I love meeting people in real life, having that banter and that connection. Getting excited when you see them, and going over conversations you had with them in your head after (yeah I'm weird.) OLD is NOT for me.

meowimacat Wed 01-Nov-17 14:25:46

Yeah I wish we do all live near each other that would be great.

I have twins and they have only just gone to school, but i work full time running my own business as well. So dating for me is basically just not going to happen for some time. I could get a babysitter or whatever, but the hard hours I put into my business I don't really want to spend for someone else to sit in my house while my children are asleep so I can pay more money to go out - haha I sound like such a scrooge! Their dad see's them when he feels like it, but he lives with his parents so it's literally maybe once every 2 weeks he'll have them for a night. Then he comes here for a couple of hours maybe once a week (if he feels like it and on the day of his choice), so again I can't exactly say "just going on a date" - and also he gives me a time limit to be back (like the controlling idiot he is.) Sigh. It's hard. Just going to focus on myself and then I think when I feel ready to date i'll know.
For me it's just the cuddles and sharing my day with someone that I miss and some guys I know have offered that sort of thing but I don't want FWB, not right now anyway. #nunlife

SerialMistakeMaker Wed 01-Nov-17 14:57:39

MEOW you sound just like me, I have 2 kids, self employed and work from home.

I too don't see how else to meet anyone, let alone get the time to date them whenever I wanted lol

I'm in agreement with you about the babysitting, why spend money on a babysitter so that you can go out and spend even more money.

I too miss the cuddles and being able to tell someone something funny that happened during my day.

Oh and I'm completely with you on the whole having the conversations in your head thing, the amount of times I've played out a conversation or text message conversation in my head, I'll say this and then he'll say that. The problem is is that I find we say the things want to hear in our heads but quite often the guy doesn't play along in real life and they come out with something different lol

SerialMistakeMaker Wed 01-Nov-17 14:59:58

I read that wrong lol

But I do also go over conversations that have been had and replay the time spent together, sometimes it's then that I pick up on something small but sweet that I might have not paid much attention to at the time

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:33:54

1DAD Definitely found dating draining as I have fairly little free time and was using that to meet my dates. I'm not sure I've quite been pickier - I think my experiences - one LTR with an alcoholic who was shouty, has put me off those kind of men.

Serial Could you invite a few mums over for a glass of cheap wine/ tea and cakes? I struggle on the hobby front too - my ex - is only available at about 8pm.

meow My usual type is addicts or ex addicts (alcohol or ketamine) and fire breathers. I need to avoid addicts and ex-addicts. I have co-dependent tendencies - I'm a people pleaser and it doesn't serve me well if someone is inclined to take advantage of me.

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:36:40

Serial and meow The last two guys I dated seemed keen to invite me over to sit on their couch and watch TV/ make out. And I just wanted to go out because if I had one evening off every two weeks, I wanted to have fun. I actually paid a baby sitter £30 (minimum number of hours) so I could sit and watch TV at the last guy I dated's house. Then got a £20 cab home - what a waste of cash. I did ask him if he could get a baby sitter so we could go out but that didn't happen.

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:38:04

Meditation is important for observing thoughts (particularly imaginary conversations). It's good to remember that thoughts are just thoughts.

Here's a good article:

tinybuddha.com/blog/living-right-now-you-are-not-your-thoughts-and-feelings/

MeMeMeMe123 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:44:24

Hello All! I packed in OLD 8 months ago.
Still too early for me to move forwards in that way.
Ex is a knob, and wholly deluded about effort needed to not just be dad parent 3 kids.
I'm so fugly and fat and not at all attractive. Low dating currency was the phrase I coined before. Wrong age (over 40) wrong height (tall) too large (size 22) ... and as much as I am making small changes to lose the weight, it'll take a loong time to do so.

My marriage was sexless. I've had sex with 2 guys in the 26months since separating. Neither became repeats.

Probably 6 shags in last 5 years.

MeMeMeMe123 Wed 01-Nov-17 18:47:00

No matter how hard I try, my esteem remains on the floor. Kids are amazing and kind and loving, they keep me going.
Still, what about me? What about what I need?
I feel so irrelevant and invisible tbh

Biddylee Wed 01-Nov-17 18:55:12

MeMeME Seems like you need a diet of self love. What I've observed about women of different shapes and size is it's more about how much you love yourself and put that out there (of course easier said than done)

I came across an article the other day, that said write down 20 things you love to do that make you feel great and do one each day. So start with small gestures of self care.

Write down what you need. Start figuring out how you can take tiny steps to get there.

debbs77 Wed 01-Nov-17 19:18:50

I have a rule.

One strike and you're out.

Saves me a lot of time and heartache

101trees Wed 01-Nov-17 19:25:31

Hello there - could I join please!

Just emerged from 8 months of dating a really lovely person (found him online). Ticked all the boxes of being a nice, kind, supportive, funny and smart person - but somehow wasn't for me, can't quite figure it out.

Not sure if it's a case of wrong person or me not being ready - feel I need to take a break either way. Too fragile for the world of OLD!

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