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Do I believe DH or not?

(85 Posts)
MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:08:26

I’m really struggling to make my mind up about this as it is actually about a situation that happened almost two years ago.

History: Dh had a best friend (his cousin) whose house we would go to all the time. His best friend is married to DH’s sisters childhood best friend (Christ did that make sense?)

Dh was a grade A prick back when he was drinking heavily, no getting around that. I ended up going into hospital with severe stomach pains, which turned out to be an infected gallbladder and stones, and had to stay in overnight on antibiotics.

We had dd 1 at the time. Instead of looking after her (she was distraught as we’d bever been apart before this and she’s had autism) he decided to dump her on my mum and go around his mates house drinking.

I called my mum up and found out about this, so called him and asked what on earth he was doing. He could go out anytime he wanted, why choose this night when dad needed him to be there?

Anyway he reassured me it was just for a drink or two and he would be back to dad soon.

Fast forward to the morning: no sign of dh. He is very apologetic when someone finally gets hold of him in the late morning.

Something strange happened after this too, dh’s best friend wouldn’t talk to him or me anymore, at all. We didn’t even go to any of the same family parties anymore.

I’ve been asking dh, for all this time, what happened? He’s always maintained his has no idea but started mentioning that he thinks it is because cousins wife has had a crush on him since they were teenagers.

I’ve always thought this is odd as hell

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:19:51

Ahh premature post...sorry.

Anyway, ddstarted school this September. And cousins wife also drops/picks up her youngest from this school. I’d put it all out of my mind because there was nothing I could do about it. I attempted to wave hi once but she completely blanked me. She was stood giggling with her friends once and pointed at me (I think, maybe it had nothing to do with me)

So I’ve been asking dh again. Up until two nights ago he maintained he really had no idea.

But then his cousin decided he wanted to be friends. He sent sent do some messages saying basically ‘Let’s let bygones be bygones, oh but I want reassurances you don’t want to sleep with my wife. Because that night you were drunk and basically tried to bed her...well I don’t know if you remember because I basically had to... (he didn’t put what he had to do)’

(Not intentional snooping - dh had signed into fb messenger on my phone, I don’t use it much so didn’t realise, and I got a notification showing me this message and though wtf?)

Dh says this isn’t true. That actually he went to the bathroom and heard cousins wife making retching sounds in the bedroom. He says he went over to check on her and she told him she’d always loved him. While he was drunkenly explaining to her why she had to let it go, his cousin came upstairs and got the wrong end of the stick. Dh maintains that he didn’t tell me the truth because he wanted to protect his cousin from the knowledge that his wife loved dh instead.

The reason dh says he lied to me, I’m not buying it. If he had told me straight away I might have but...I don’t feel they would have fallen out so spectacularly over a two second conversation in a bedroom.

What do you think?

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:20:22

Sorry, didn’t realise how long this ramble was.

LouJDawe Tue 31-Oct-17 09:26:58

Your DP probably doesn't remember as he was drunk. Or he does remember the details just feels embarrassed, I would personally ask the cousins wife what actually happened before I made my mind up although I feel like you have a gut feeling your dp isn't telling you the truth?

flissfloss65 Tue 31-Oct-17 09:29:04

I think your husband is lying. Rather than put your dd first he saw an opportunity to visit the cousin and partner without you there. Surely you and your dd should have his first concern not going out drinking.

Desmondo2016 Tue 31-Oct-17 09:30:06

What a long drawn out saga if your dh is telling the truth. Which makes me feel it's blatantly obvious he wasn't else he would have just told you 2 years ago about the 'misunderstanding' leading to his mate falling out with him.

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:30:37

She seems very hostile currently towards me. I’m not sure how I could get her to talk to me without appearing like I’m harassing her. She’s made it very clear she doesn’t want to speak to me.

I really don’t understand. We weren’t very close but we were friends. Even if either version is true, I don’t see why I’m getting the hostility too.

It’s all very confusing. I just feel ‘something’ isn’t right.

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:31:45

Exactly, dh’s version doesn’t sound that big a deal. Not enough to even bother lying about for two years right?

rwalker Tue 31-Oct-17 09:36:01

mmmm with her been hostile to you tend to believe him

Wallywobbles Tue 31-Oct-17 09:36:53

I think I’d send a message to those blanking you saying this has puzzled you for a while and you’d like to know what you’ve (as opposed to H) done wrong. You went to hospital for x reason and your H went out and got drunk and since then no ones talked to you. H claims he doesn’t know why either. And you’d love someone to tell you the actual truth.

Sorry but a drunk can’t be a D anything in my experience.

TammyswansonTwo Tue 31-Oct-17 09:38:25

He's full of shit. If something like this happened to my husband the first person he would tell would be me, and vice versa.

Ask the cousin and say you deserve to know exactly what happened after they've all been keeping this secret for so bloody long.

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:40:39

He stopped drinking heavily about a year ago. But yes, I know what you mean.

Right, I don’t have the wife’s number and she isn’t on fb. Should I try to message the cousin or does that seem a bit weird?

Wallywobbles Tue 31-Oct-17 09:41:44

No. Do it.

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:43:30

He's full of shit. If something like this happened to my husband the first person he would tell would be me, and vice versa

That is what is upsetting me the most. There have been a small number of occasions since we’ve been together when I have been in a similar situation (male friend baring soul over text, someone getting a bit too friendly)

And the very first person I’ve told is dh, each time. Because I love him and respect his opinion and knew he could help.

So that makes me think he doesn’t feel the same way.

Temporary2002 Tue 31-Oct-17 09:43:37

Sorry OP, although drunken upsetting misunderstandings do happen, why would he hide it from you? Probably ashamed, especially when he'd see you were sick with a small child and he was carrying on, being inapropiate at the very least of whatever went on. Does he still go drinking?

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 31-Oct-17 09:43:55

The cousin is the one to ask. It sounds to me as though he interrupted something between his wife and your husband. His wife is playing it now that your husband was trying it on with her. His cousin prefers to believe that.

Your husband is lying to you. If the wife tried it on with him, why wouldn't he tell you, particularly given the fallout?

Temporary2002 Tue 31-Oct-17 09:44:41

Sorry, I missed
lots of posts while I wrote that!

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:46:20

Ok, I’m going to message the cousin then.

Should I explain what dh has told me and how it differs to his version or just ask him what happened?

kissmethere Tue 31-Oct-17 09:47:03

So it's a bit of a triangle? I'd lean towards believing him, abit, it could explain her ignoring you. Is it time maybe to ask her side if events to get to the bottom of it?

Bertsfriend Tue 31-Oct-17 09:47:37

Could you ask your sil? Is she still the cousin's wife's best friend?

MissMustBeAMug Tue 31-Oct-17 09:49:29

Sil is another story. She wouldn’t tell me anything grin

Wallywobbles Tue 31-Oct-17 09:50:31

No. My message would be very neutral.

Temporary2002 Tue 31-Oct-17 09:52:27

It is strange that she is avoiding you.

Wallywobbles Tue 31-Oct-17 09:52:36

Then take it from there.

LouJDawe Tue 31-Oct-17 09:53:55

No don't say what your H said as the cousin is trying to make amends so for keeping the peace he might just stick to the story. Just stay neutral

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