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Should I feel guilty? (Divorce related)

(15 Posts)
FabulousUsername Tue 31-Oct-17 08:00:34

H has always been difficult, angry and shouty... for years I struggled to smooth things over and address my 'shortcomings', predict his bad moods and mitigate accordingly, and try to keep quiet for the sake of the DCs (now grown). Everything revolved around him, the family focus was on keeping him happy. Well, maybe not happy but I (and the DCs to some extent) was always on high alert as he could tip into unhappiness in a flash if he wasn't the centre of attention.

I've got some flabbergasting memories of birthdays, holidays, graduations spoiled by his irrational anger, scary-on-purpose driving, black moods ruining events. I read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' and realised that he was described in that book. Not physically abusive, but totally self centered, and it suited him perfectly to be that way.

Now we are getting divorced, been living separately for a few months. I'm fine. It was his idea to divorce as I think he had a crush on another woman. But mainly his reason for divorcing me is that I stopped having sex with him. He says I have not shown him any affection over recent years and it's driven him to despair. He says that I don't want to 'be a wife to him'. confused

Trouble is, I do feel guilty, like I didn't try hard enough. We were so young when we got together and I never had another boyfriend and I think we clung on to each other out of fear of the unknown. So it's true that I may not have ever really felt like I'd had to win his affection. And I never really felt butterflies for him or TBH never really physically attracted to him although I thought we were a good match intellectually (we're not anymore but that's another story). So he wants a relationship with lots of sex and affection/adoration and he's not going to get it from me. He is right to go for what will make him happy and I'm lucky to be getting out.

But...I'm feeling guilty because if he changed (accepted me working, respected my interests, didn't get mad at me all the time, etc) I wouldn't mind staying married. It's such a pain to split assets and break up what little family we have.

Just a rant. We are doing the right thing. Right?? He won't change...please remind me!!

Santawontbelong Tue 31-Oct-17 08:03:18

He sounds like an arrogant arse hole. Confirmed by him divorcing you indeed!!
You are well rid ..

FabulousUsername Tue 31-Oct-17 08:13:40

Thanks santa! grin need to hear it as decree nisi should happen I'm feeling guilty as I implied that he divorced me, I actually had to file against him for UB (made it bland) as he found it too complicated (so far no solicitors) so he asked me to handle it all, I just pointed out where he had to sign...he's such a tortured creative soul that he has no interest in paperwork i am so well rid of him nervous about living on my own income alone but it's a new life!

Thebluedog Tue 31-Oct-17 08:13:41

Nothing in you post makes me think you should be feeling guilty.

Well rid

IrritatedUser1960 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:19:49

"We are BOTH the guilty party here"

No we are not. I spent 20 years paying the mortgage and all the bills, doing all the housework, cooking and gardening while you saw work as optional and never lifted a finger around the house other than to add to the mess.

I worked my ass off to make our marriage work, ignoring everything you did, the nightclubs, the affairs, the frequent desertions and you slinking back when the grass wasn't greener.

Only the latest desertion I refused to let you come back because I was ill and in and out of hospital and couldn't stand the stress any more.

So please, it was YOUR fault and you were a lousy cocklodger of a husband and totally unsupportive and you wore me out completely emotionally and physically over the time we were together.

IrritatedUser1960 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:22:02

You are perfectly reasonable to get a divorce OP and in no way should you be feeling guilty, if the idiot wants lots of sex then he should treat you as a human being and honor you.

IrritatedUser1960 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:25:43

So sorry this should have gone on the ridiculous things my ex said thread but I must have selected the wrong post - so sorry but it's still relevant so hey!

timefliesby Tue 31-Oct-17 08:29:26

Sounds like my ex. Move on. I'm now happily married to a wonderful man. Women don't want sex when there's no intimacy in the relationship. Fact.

HerOtherHalf Tue 31-Oct-17 08:31:24

But...I'm feeling guilty because if he changed (accepted me working, respected my interests, didn't get mad at me all the time, etc) I wouldn't mind staying married. It's such a pain to split assets and break up what little family we have.

He's not going to change though, is he? You could try that option but you'd just waste another umpteen years of your life in an unhealthy, unfulflling and soul-destroying relationship. Add to that, being married shouldn't be about "not minding" being with a person, it should be far more exhilarating than that.

ofudginghell Tue 31-Oct-17 08:31:57

Don’t feel guilty op.
When you get that final piece of acknowledgment that you divorced and asshole celebrate and treat yourself grin
You wi more than manage with your salary and practicalities.
Your soon to be ex dh however will eventually find himself on the wrong side of lonely and sad. His doing not yours x

crimsonlake Tue 31-Oct-17 08:51:50

If that is how he behaved during your marriage, no wonder you showed him little affection and did not want sex with him.

Orangealien Tue 31-Oct-17 09:01:26

Sounds like you gave everything and he took and took and took until there was nothing left. You have nothing to feel guilty over, bet your kids are happy for you.

IME this sort of man will find a much younger woman, tell her a sob story "my wife didn't love me I was so sad...boooooo...poor me" and the younger woman will not have the life experience to see through it and she will say "oh poor poor man, I will look after you" and she will proceed to do so and become very unhappy years down the line when she realises that actually he's a complete lazy moody shit bag and wife #1 is well rid.

FabulousUsername Tue 31-Oct-17 10:09:52

He's feeling very sorry for himself indeed. Texting me, he's very sad. I think he's sad because OW is out of the picture ( she was just using him to spend some money on her, sad really, others could see it but he was captivated). I feel sorry for him. He hasn't got too much going on right now so he can wallow in self pity.

Also we haven't agreed financials yet. He's slightly undervaluing his place which I noticed, so the sadness might be for my benefit, so I'll agree to his figures so he won't go into a deep depression angry irritating! Wishing OW was still around to distract him!

pudding21 Tue 31-Oct-17 10:43:55

Hi OP, I was in a similar situation to you, emotionally abusive etc. Fact is if your DP doesn't make you feel loved and cherished that spills over into the bedroom. I used to have sex, one because I quite enjoyed it (I could block everything out) and two because it kept him less grumpy (not always but sometimes).

Anyway, what I wanted to say is I still feel terribly guilty, I think its the nature of people who stay in bad relationships in a lot of ways. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you did the right thing. I hope soon, you will feel much happier, and look back and wonder......why did I wait so long?

FabulousUsername Wed 01-Nov-17 16:53:55

Thank you @pudding21 for your insightful comments! I had a slew of texts from him until yesterday morning then nothing since. But I could see on Facebook that he was having some fun last night. I'm glad, he cannot stand being alone and gets depressed. I used to be a constant companion to him and now it's amazing to not have to answer to anyone.

I wish he could see that!

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