Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Would you forgive if you feel you were half the cause of the affair?(19 Posts)
Hi there i found out a few weeks ago that my DP had been having an affair with a work colleague. It was a short affair approx 8 weeks and only stopped because i found out. I am absolutely heartbroken and finding it hard to deal with it all.
We seperated for a few weeks but i decided to try give things another chance. I have a few reasons for this. The first reason is i feel like i played a part in driving DP to the affair. Now i in no way condone his behaviour and I know it was his decision to make that choice. But our relationship has been going downhill the past year and a half. We grew apart and both grew resentful of each other. We were both nasty towards each other and I had been thinking of leaving him. I think i had fallen out of love with him, paid him no attention and really was not bothered with him and prefered when he was not around.
We talked about all our problems and admitted that we were both very unhappy and both only stayed together for the sake of our DD who is 6. Anyway since this has all happened I realised that i really do love my DP and that i had not fell out of love with him we just grew apart. He also feels the same. He is very remorseful of the affair and says he regrets it. He has been doing everything to try and show me that he can change and that we can fix our issues and has begged me to give him a chance to make things right. I have told him i am not sure that we will stay together as i find it very hard to get past his affair and i feel so much anger towards him.
We have been to counselling together and this has helped. The other reason i have for giving him another chance is that i too had an affair a few years ago when i first got together with my DP before things got serious and long before our DD was born ( I know this does not excuse anything ). I do not know why i did this as there was no problems in our relationship at the time. My affair was also with a work colleague. The affair lasted a few months before it sizzled out and my partner has no idea of this affair.
My DP has said he realises how much he loves me when he realised what he has to lose and wants to make things work. He has said this is a wake up call for him and i feel the same. We used to be so close and get on so well and if we could get through that we would both be so happy again. He has promised that he will never cheat again and if he feels unhappy like he did before the affair started he will speak to me and we will sort out the issues. He knows having an affair was not the way to deal with things.
Many say people say once a cheater always a cheater but i have only cheated once and i know i would never do it again and i hope my DP feels the same.
But i am so hurt from his affair and i am finding it hard to put it behind me. Does anybody have any advice or what would you do in this situation?
No! In my opinion there is NEVERa reason to have an affair. The only 2 people to blame are the people having the affair.
If you feel things aren't right in your relationship, you either stay and work it through, or you leave. Simple as.
You have both cheated however only his is out in the open. Is that right ?
I really don't know what to suggest it sounds a bt of a mess but you can always try again and see how you both feel with a fresh start.
I think if there’s no previous on his part and he seems remorseful, then yes give it a fresh go. As you’ve said, you’ve been able to file your affair as a one off and have never done it again, so why would you think he can’t do the same?
On that topic, I can understand why you’re upset and hurt by his affair, but it’s a bit rich of you to hold it against him when you’d done the same. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to both come clean so you’re genuinely starting your relationship with no secrets.
Yes my DP does not know about my affair. It happened about 9 years ago i was young and stupid and do regret it but dont see what good telling him now would be.
I know we have made a mess of things but we both have finally realised that we really do want to be together. The past few weeks have been hell and i have not made things easy for him. My close friends and family know which does not make it easier for him and he still will do absolutely anything to make this up to me.
I am just so hurt though really i deserve it considering i also had an affair many years ago but we have a DD and a house and were planning on getting married. I am finding it so hard to forgive him and get past this and i really wish i could just move on and try to rebuild my relationship with him. All i think about everyday is him and the OW together
Well, you'd be a bit of a hypocrite not to, given you also had an affair.
Not saying you contributed to him having an affair, because frankly I don't know. But you can't really act all aggrieved by him doing something which you have done.
Swallow your pride.
You have a future together. Make your decision based on that alone. Never make decisions based on the past.
Your past affair is also in the past.
Make a future. Get up tomorrow at 6am and look at the sunrise. Ring in sick. Him. DD. You.
Brave New World.
I'm not sure either of you are in the right relationship. You both had affairs. There's obviously something not right there.
Be completely open and honest with each other and you can decide what you want to do.
Thank you Be3Al2Si6O18
Your post makes me think about things differrently. I have only had negative thoughts since all of this came out but your positive post is quite uplifting. We all make mistakes and although affairs are unforgivable and the most damaging thing you can do to a relationship i think we also learn from our mistakes. Im sure he has learned an affair is not worth all of this pain and hurt for everyone involved and not worth losing your family for. I realised that i did not want to lose my DP after my affair which is why i never told him but maybe it is time for me to come clean also
If you’re both having affairs when things get difficult at home then I can’t say I think your relationship is going to work out, but that’s by the by. To answer your question, no I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t trust that person again.
Hmmm, could all work out fine... or your hearts could be playing tricks on you both. Nothing reignites the passion and renews a relationship like the exhilaration of nearly losing it and having to face the terrifying abyss of being alone; feeling lucky to have the other person, not because you think they're great but because they would be justified in leaving you, and you kind of feel you've played a blinder that they didn't; and the guilt of your own actions plus the confidence boost of the afore-mentioned making you feel you could seize this chance and everything would be beyond perfect!
...except if you really had fallen out of love before this came out I'm afraid the effect will only be temporary.
Probably worth a try as you have a dd and you both sound keen, and so much about a strong relationship is willing on both sides. However if you're truly the right people to be together exclusively in the long term (as affairs would suggest you're not), only time will tell. I wish you the best of luck.
Anyway since this has all happened I realised that i really do love my DP and that i had not fell out of love with him we just grew apart.
No. Chances are the affair has made you think you love him again because of the surge of feelings and actually you will be in the same place again in six months. Angry, resentful, further down the road. You've both had affairs, there are still secrets and lies, it's a mess.
I know I'm cynical but I think you'd be better off working out how to separate and co-parent well.
Sometimes relationships can survive affairs, if you both want to give it a go then do. Whether the relationship can actually be fixed is another matter. But it seems like if you don’t both give it a go you’ll regret not trying, and it would certainly be easier for your daughter if you could manage to sort things out. If it doesn’t work fair enough.
In your position, I would give him another chance.
Counselling is helping.
You are reconnecting.
You have a child to consider
He's trying to make amends
You had an affair too
It's not perfect. He stopped only when you caught him and mu biggest concern would be then still working together ... I wouldn't feel safe and secure knowing that.
Don't confuse regret with remorse though.
From hereon in... you kind of need a new marriage contract.
I suggest he reads ' how to help your spouse heal from your affair' by Linda MacDonald.
You dont want to leave the DP you cheated on and who cheated on you and who you hated being around because...
You love him, or
You're scared of being alone?
He has left his job and is now working somewhere else. That was one of the conditions i had when deciding if i would give him another chance. I know the affair would have continued if i had not found out which would have made the situation even worse. The fact that the affair was only a few weeks means there couldnt have been much of an emotional connection there. Im hoping as ive been told that he did not have any feelings for her and i am hoping that is the truth
i cheated on him a long time ago i was stupid and young (19) and we had only began dating so it was not a serious relationship. He began a new job in january a highly stressful job and became a different person after this. Came home stressed and moody everyday and took it out on me. He did become a horrible person to be around and i felt like i was walking on eggshells afraid to say the wrong thing in case it sparked a row. We did not talk about any of this and both withdrew from each other and i grew resentful of him because of his behaviour. This was not the man i fell in love with.
Since the affair came out and we have been to counselling and started a new job he has completely changed. Is a lot nicer to be around and is so much more considerate and does try his best to make me happy. I am with him because i love him and because i am not ready to just give up yet after 10 years together and a DD. It is easy to say walk away but is not as easy to do.
i am still very hurt by his affair and maybe i cannot put it past me and move on i wish i could make a decision on the best thing to do but my head is very messed up at the moment
It takes time to make a decision and fully rebuild post infidelity, but I'd say he's doing the right things so far.
It's a betrayal and can take years to get over. If you have a remorseful partner... it really helps.
Have a look at www.survivinginfidelity.com
I'll message you with some other hopefully helpful infidelity related information.
I can say I've seen couples go through very difficult affairs and make it through ... but everyone is different.
One thing that struck me is thst you cheated when everything was fine ... at lest you admit things were bad when he cheated.
Think about it and give yourself time to heal.
Work on the future, not the past. You do not have to come clean. If you do, and in a few hours you can then both laugh about jiggling around with some other persons private parts as if they were mere toys out of a Christmas cracker then you have a great future. In fact it will be awesome.
And you won't go back to those compromises because you lived, you learned and you moved on.
If he doesn't accept your past, if he doesnt move on, if you don't move on, you have no future.
Remember, in fact you only have now. If you can grasp that, you have everything.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.