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Do I have to give a reason?

(88 Posts)
Nottalotta Mon 30-Oct-17 13:26:53

Or should I? I need to tell H once and for all, again, that our marriage is over. He can be controlling, very argumentactive, EA, gaslight etc. I've told him so many times, he argues, Tells me I'm wrong, won't leave, carries on as normal except being nice for a bit .

I need a clear "this us not working, I'm ending it" conversation. He's going to ask me why . Is because I'm not happy enough? It's not though as he told me that it wasn't because of him last time .

How do I not get drawn in?

ravenmum Mon 30-Oct-17 13:29:59

Speak to a lawyer and start getting the paperwork sorted out. Move out if that's on the cards. Repeat "I've made my decision" whatever he says.

Angelf1sh Mon 30-Oct-17 13:35:21

I’d say it’s fairer to give someone a reason for ending a relationship so that they can process things (MN is full of threads where people are desperately asking strangers for reasons to explain why their OH left them), but do you NEED to give a reason? No. “I’m leaving you” is really all they are entitled to.

Nottalotta Mon 30-Oct-17 13:43:46

He knows, I've told him so many times in so many ways. I left him a letter. He sent a series of texts arguing each point and lying about past events . I just mean on this final occasion. In my mind we split up the first time I told him (february) but he won't accept it

Angelf1sh Mon 30-Oct-17 13:45:16

Oh well then you’re definitely done then. Don’t engage with nonsense attempts to control you.

MadeForThis Mon 30-Oct-17 13:46:42

I don't love you and I don't want to be with you.

underkerstumbled Mon 30-Oct-17 13:48:08

Reason: "I can't stand the sight of you and I don't want to be married to you any more".

He can't argue with that.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 30-Oct-17 14:03:11

You need to keep it about you and your feelings so he can't say anything to rectify it.
I don't love you - in fact I don't even like you.
I'm a different person and I know I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm divorcing you.

As another PP says, start to get the paperwork for divorce underway.
He cannot stop you divorcing him.
He can make it more difficult but he cannot stop you.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 30-Oct-17 17:21:29

Do you have children?

BenLui Mon 30-Oct-17 17:23:13

Go to a lawyer. File for divorce.
Get your paper work sorted, start thinking about living accommodations etc.

Tell everyone. I bet it’s still “private” isn’t it?

Nottalotta Mon 30-Oct-17 17:32:57

Yes 2, very young.

A few close people know buthat I've found it hard as he's in such denial.

doodle01 Mon 30-Oct-17 17:42:07

You need to have the conversation
Assuming he has PR sort out how you both intend to care for kids
Assuming you have job how you’ll both sort out child care
Whose staying whose going
If joint owned property if you can afford 2 properties whilst keeping first or how it will be sold and divided you both have right to live and a life style
How you both are going to manage it for the kids
How you both are going to finance this
Don’t assume anything he may decide to go part time to look after kids etc
Take a deep breath and get support
Speak to a lawyer
Separating parties may end up coresiding for some time work out how your going to deal with this
Sorry no easy solutions you can’t just leave if they are both your kids rash actions may be reciprocated

SandyY2K Mon 30-Oct-17 17:44:05

You've given your reasons. Of he says anything ... simply say... it's obvious we disagree, hence I'm ending it.

You'll be there forever if you are waiting for him to agree with you.

The living situation is something else though. If you jointly own the home he may refuse to leave and is legally entitled to stay.

ReanimatedSGB Mon 30-Oct-17 17:51:26

You don't need his permission or his co-operation to dump his sorry arse. He doesn't get a say: he's dumped. Remember, everyone has the right to end a relationship that's making them unhappy or just not working for them.
With an abusive man, just get everything in place and either leave or tell him to leave: if he's likely to get violent, have a friend or relative with you when you tell him (or the police, if he's dangerous.)

Good luck. Life is so much better on the other side.

Joysmum Mon 30-Oct-17 18:03:26

Just say you aren’t happy and there’s not enough hope there to make you want to continue to try.

swingofthings Mon 30-Oct-17 18:13:20

Say that you are unhappy and you don't believe anymore that he can change in a way to make you happily married to him any longer, so it's time to move on and find happiness again separately.

Runlovingmummy81 Mon 30-Oct-17 18:16:28

Take away his control. Speak to a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Start making plans. Secure your finances. My ex husband was like this and he cleared all put accounts as it was'his' money.

ThisMeans Mon 30-Oct-17 18:22:59

You don't need his permission or his co-operation to dump his sorry arse


I would also agree about seeing a solicitor. They will help you with the process. Once the legal process is clearer to you I am sure you will most likely find it easier to process practically and with your own motivation.

meowimacat Mon 30-Oct-17 18:26:09

I think the worst thing to do is to give a reason as they never accept it and then you have to give more reasons and it results in more anger etc.

I just said it wasn't working, i wasn't happy and didn't love him any more. I guess they're reasons but they were things he couldn't fight me on as they were my feelings and he couldn't change them.

Good luck

lanbro Mon 30-Oct-17 18:34:11

I said " I'm not happy, I don't want to continue to be unhappy and I don't love you anymore".

H seems to be finally understanding I'm serious as I've been to view a house today due to his refusal to leave.

I just keep repeating I'm not happy and I have made my decision whilst trying not to get into an argument

TheMythOfFingerprints Mon 30-Oct-17 18:50:12

Given that this has been going on since February, if you can afford it then I think you should move out even though the usual advice would be to stay in the house.
He sounds awful op sad

Nottalotta Mon 30-Oct-17 20:02:33

Thanks all. I'm on maternity leave , work very up the the air. It all seems insurmountable which I suppose is why he's been able to just carry on, as I have struggled to make any real moves towards a proper separation. No money, joint mortgage. I'd move out tomorrow if I had the money to rent somewhere, I'm looking as think my parents will help.

The suggestions as to what to say are really helpful , thank you .

I'll speak to a solicitor. I've been gearing up to this conversation but think solicitor is a good idea first.

Flisspaps Mon 30-Oct-17 20:09:42

If he asks why, say “because you’re a prick”

Ad infinitum

rosareine Mon 30-Oct-17 20:15:25

You say he can be emotionally abusive and controlling.

Men who behave like this can ramp things up when they realise they are losing control.

Depending on the situation it may be best not to tell him. Have you spoken to women's aid at all? They helped me realise my situation was far more dangerous than I realised and advised me not to tell him.

Not trying to scare you, only you know your situation but maybe give them a call and get some advice.

Nottalotta Mon 30-Oct-17 20:40:27

I don't think it will ramp up but then he behaved in a way id never have thought him capable of back in February, on several occasions, and has not been at all apologetic, and has shifted the blame to me for it . But I am aware, thank you. I think he knows he's losing/lost control now though.

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