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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

366 replies

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:48

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

OP posts:

Report

TammyswansonTwo · 30/10/2017 08:50

Not in the slightest. My husband would be metaphorically wearing his balls as a necklace if he did this to me. Why does he need to be friends with this woman? He doesn't. It's not normal behaviour. I'd lose my shit.

bigchris · 30/10/2017 08:51

I don't see why he can't have a woman as a friend but he should be honest about it

LotusBomb · 30/10/2017 08:51

What Tammy said, sorry OP

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:52

Apologies for the error in the title

I'm glad you don't think I'm overreacting. It is inappropriate isn't it? It's not just me?

OP posts:

wowbutter · 30/10/2017 08:52

No, that sounds horrendous.
Back in the early days of my marriage, DH came in really late from work, and smelt of cigarette smoke. He said he had just got stuck at work, and then walked through a crowd of smokers, but that wasn't true. He really stank.
I picked up his phone and he had a text from a woman he worked with thanking him for moving some furniture. I went mental.
Not because he went and helped, but because he lied.

His defence? I was worried you would be cross, so I lied.

He has never done anything like it since, we fought for an entire night. Until he understood exactly what he did wrong. The lying proves he has something to feel guilty about. And if he doesn't, why lie?

Apileofballyhoo · 30/10/2017 08:52

The fact he's lying about it is the evidence he's doing something wrong, and he knows it's wrong.

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 08:54

For what it's worth, I'd find it just as upsetting if he was lying about a male friend. I just can't stand the lying to me it honestly makes me wonder about all this 'being snowed under at work' stuff.

I've been an idiot haven't I?

OP posts:

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 30/10/2017 08:54

You're not being unreasonable at all. I would have no problem whatsoever with my OH having female friends. However if he'd repeatedly lied to me about them i would be furious and highly suspicious.

Horses4 · 30/10/2017 08:54

The issue isn't him having a female friend, the apparent intensity of the friendship definitely would concern me though. It appears he is putting all his energies into her and not your family, and that, as well as the lying, is not acceptable.

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 09:00

I guess now I just need to wait and actually talk to him face to face. And try not to let it escalate in my head too much.

She's supposed to be coming to dinner tomorrow night

OP posts:

Holdtightdontletgo · 30/10/2017 09:01

Nope I would not be happy about that all. It sounds like an affair brewing at the very least.

bigchris · 30/10/2017 09:06

That's a good sign she's coming to dinner though ? It means you will get to meet her and see how both of them are together

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 09:10

I hope it's a good sign. Though I could see DH cancelling it now with the way I've reacted.

OP posts:

PNGirl · 30/10/2017 09:14

I'm not really up for DH going for dinner with another woman tbh (unless he's on a business trip obviously as I do with my male boss). At the very least it can start raised eyebrows and bantery comments in the workplace and lying about it so you won't be "mad" is just gaslighting.

Dieu · 30/10/2017 09:14

Put an end to this, OP. Nothing good will come of it.

eyebrowseyebrows · 30/10/2017 09:20

I have male friends at work...but I think this is more than that IMO.

Work friendships tend to either be going out as a group or, if alone, for lunch or coffee. Dinner if you happen to be going to a conference or work trip.

Dinner alone if not on a trip is pretty unusual. As are the night time text conversations.

It sounds like this hasn't gone anywhere yet but maybe he'd like it to or he has a bit of a crush. Like you say, the fact he's lied about it means he knows he's doing something that would upset you...

TammyswansonTwo · 30/10/2017 09:21

It's not the fact that he has a female friend - my husband has those too, most of whom predate me (in fact all of them actually). It's the fact that he's forged a very new and "full on" friendship just before you're about to have a baby, and his attention should be on you, not a random new woman that he barely knows. It's disgraceful behaviour, and very alarming IMO

Howsthings1234 · 30/10/2017 09:24

Sorry to hear you are upset OP. What is he like with other ‘friends’ does he talk lots on the phone/ meet up lots or is this unusual behaviour regardless of it being a man or women? I think you are totally right you just need to have a good talk about it and try to understand it from both sides but do agree lying is not nice and you must have had a suspicion that something was usual as it doesn’t sound like you usually check his iPad etc. I would be really upset but that’s because my husband is not one for talking on the phone to friends - it’s usually a quick text or WhatsApp so if he was suddenly chatting to one friend lots I might find that unusual. I hope it goes well when you talk later - try to hear it from his point of view too though and keep calm as it may be nothing. As another poster said I can’t see him inviting her over for dinner if it was anything more than a friendship somehow.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2017 09:30

This isn't OK.
You are completely justified in feeling as you do.
I would not be happy about this at all.
You've started to confront him about it.
Keep an eye on things.
Does he leave his iPad at home.
Can you check up on their conversations today?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/10/2017 09:30

I’m all for people having friends of the opposite sex - going out for dinner with a male friend tomorrow in fact - but no, you’re not overreacting. He is investing time and energy (and probably family money) outside your relationship at exactly the point when you need to be pulling together and showing each other love and kindness. Having a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship and you can’t have one partner with a foot already out of the door. If he’s seeking this kind of attention now what will he be like when you’re exhausted and distracted with a newborn?

If she does come to dinner I’d ask them both outright whether they consider their behaviour appropriate and make clear how unhappy and anxious it’s making you. Now is not the time for you to worry about their feelings.

Ttbb · 30/10/2017 09:36

YANBU. Most men don't have new female friends after they have settled down for a reason. If they do happen to meet a woman they are particularly chummy with they never lie to their wives about it unless they envision some kind of sexual potential in the friendship. The first two months after a baby is born is also the most common time for a man to cheat on his wife. This isn't hormones, you are not overreacting, this is not good.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2017 09:37

If he needs to lie to you about a friend, then she/he is not a friend... to your marriage.

You want to lie? Fine. Go and be married to someone who thinks you lie to your spouse, and that that is a sign of a good honest strong marriage.

Yes I think you should tell him that you won't be hosting dinner tomorrow, because you will be busy having a make or break chat about the state of your marriage, and finding out exactly what he's lied to you about and why. So you can decide whether you want to carry on with him.

Because you don't intend to be married to someone who lies to you.

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EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 09:38

DH is never normally this chatty. He didn't even overly like talking to me on the phone agate start of our relationship. But he seems more than happy to chat with her late at night for hours.

I just can't have a baby, and be worrying about this too. I don't think he's having an affair, but he's certainly got a crush at a minimum.

He has left the iPad at home. But to be honest I feel guilty looking at it any more than I already have.

OP posts:

EmbarrassedAndPregnant · 30/10/2017 09:41

I'm sorry for all the typos I just feel pathetic. I keep bursting into tears every time I even think about it.

OP posts:

lilathewerewolf · 30/10/2017 09:44

'He didn't even overly like talking to me on the phone agate start of our relationship. But he seems more than happy to chat with her late at night for hours.'

I'm really sorry op but that sounds like the start of an emotional affair to me. I would be snooping on that iPad with no shame!

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