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"doesn't have much time," "time ins't on your side," "better get a move on," "don't leave it too late." One comment like this ruins my day, should I be worried?

(24 Posts)
pieceofpietuesday Mon 30-Oct-17 08:47:07

I'm 34 and really want children.

In the last 3 years I have had these comments made to me, really frequently. It is hurtful because yes, during my twenties i focused on my career, but since the age of about 28, I really focused on building a home to prepare for a family, it just hasnt happened.

it is something i really want and feel as if people who make these comments dont get that is isnt a choice that i havent had a family yet. i have tried so hard not to let these comments get to me, but maybe they are true and this is it for me. i wish i had had them in my early twenties, but i wasnt with the right man.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 30-Oct-17 08:50:34

Oh, people can be so insensitive.

How long have you been TTC?

I had my youngest at almost 39 , so don't give up, you've got time.

pieceofpietuesday Mon 30-Oct-17 08:54:49

i havent been, never have. i would be starting from scratch...whole new relationship, havent even met the right one!

Nadeynoo Mon 30-Oct-17 08:58:09

My mother said this to me for years - she used to say she wanted a grandchild. I used to tell her to talk to my brother.

It's so unhelpful when people say things like that. My friend is going through IVF and her mum used to say things like: "You're 34, better hurry up!" as if my friend hadn't noticed her age or the fact that she was single.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 30-Oct-17 08:59:20

Oh I see smile

Well, still stands, you've got years yet.

Or you could do it alone, have you considered that?

ToneDeafHamster Mon 30-Oct-17 09:01:57

I had my first child at 40 years old. You have plenty of time.

ShatnersWig Mon 30-Oct-17 09:02:41

Or you could do it alone, have you considered that?

See, I think that actually can be just as insensitive.

don't give up, you've got time.


pieceofpietuesday Mon 30-Oct-17 09:05:39

i have considered it alone, ive considered everything to be honest! i just feel like it wont happen now. work and life ticks along and i am generally happy, but i would be singing from the rooftops to have my own family too.

Trills Mon 30-Oct-17 09:10:01

since the age of about 28, I really focused on building a home to prepare for a family

I don't think I understand what you mean here.

That is a twattish thing for people to be saying. It's not a joke or a jolly bit of ribbing. It's none of their business. Not everyone wants children, not everyone can have them, there are all kinds of reasons why a person might be upset or annoyed by them saying it and no reason why they should expect to know who would be more or less bothered by the comment.

Ttbb Mon 30-Oct-17 09:10:28

They are probably just trying to be helpful? Who exactly is it that is saying this? Is it people you barely know? That would obviously be extremely rude. Or is it your family/close friends? If it's the later maybe you should just tell them how you feel? It can often look on the outside that someone isn't really trying to find someone etc. and they might be genuinely concerned that you are leaving things too late. Just tell them that you know, you are trying and, they are hurting you by constantly bringing it up.

pieceofpietuesday Mon 30-Oct-17 09:12:05

what i mean is, until i was about 28 i just focused on my career. then i bought a home and i started thinking about a family...i mean i have a life set up where it would be very easy to bring a child into

pieceofpietuesday Mon 30-Oct-17 09:13:12

my friends and family know i want kids. it is more people at work, or friends of friends, or drunken comments. also things you read in magazines etc.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 30-Oct-17 09:13:43

Shatners why are either of those insensitive?

Eryri1981 Mon 30-Oct-17 09:20:01

I was still single on my 33rd birthday. Now 36, married, pregnant after less than 5 months TTC and baby SHOULD be here by my 37th birthday!!

So only slightly ahead of you. I had either no relationship or shit relationships throughout my 20s.

Try not to let the interfering busy bodies with their stupid and totally unhelpful comments get you down.

So it clearly can happen! Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 30-Oct-17 09:38:30

I have a wonderful friend who never found her Mr Right.
She did it alone and had a gorgeous baby boy at 39!
You have plenty of time but it's OK if it doesn't happen as well.
There are many shitty men out there but there are goods ones too.
But none of us NEED a man.
Try not to take it all personally.
I don't think anyone means to upset you.

QueenLetizia Mon 30-Oct-17 09:42:32

I hate these comments! directed at particular women by their friends and relatives and also general comments in the media 'blaming' women for leaving it too late.

I do not know a single woman amongst my own acquaintance who whoops left it too late.

The problem is always getting the man you want to commit/be ready.

The next time one of your relatives says something be braver than I ever was and say ''talk to the legions of men who like juss wanna date but don't want anything seeerious?''

ShatnersWig Mon 30-Oct-17 12:26:02

Bastards I think they can also be seen as insensitive depending on the person concerned. "You could do it alone" is of course valid but for a lot of people it's not JUST about having a child it's about the whole family unit and having a partner to share life and the experience of having a child with that person. It's all wrapped up together and "doing it alone" can come across as "well, seeing as you aren't going to find a man...." when of course, she MAY still find a man. "Don't give up" - well, where has the OP said she's given up? "There's still time" just helps point out that there is a time limit which just adds to the pressure.

I don't mean they are automatically insensitive, it does depend on the person.

Creatureofthenight Mon 30-Oct-17 12:37:02

If it were me I'd have trouble not replying with something like
"I'm well aware how old I am and I'm not sure why you'd think your comment is helpful ".

Josuk Mon 30-Oct-17 12:47:15

OP - don’t despair!!!!!
I was like you. Had my kids at 37&39....

People just don’t get it and are a bit insentive and are genuinely think they are being helpful.

Try joking and deflecting. Whenever they say something like this - tell them ‘I know my eggs are getting older each day, but I am waiting for superior sperm. Can’t waste precious eggs on just any sperm!!!’

That said - two of my friends decided to go it alone. They froze eggs when they were about your age and had their babies nearing 40.

You still have options and time.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 30-Oct-17 13:15:42

Shatners maybe they're right, and this is it for me made me think the op was l losing hope, ' there's still time' is the whole point of the thread, and ' going it alone' is a valid option, one the op has considered already.

People blurting things like... Get a move on.... Is not the same as advice given when asked.

ravenmum Mon 30-Oct-17 13:16:32

Maybe ask them for the details of how exactly you are supposed to get a move on?

I can't imagine how anyone could think this was being helpful. How could these comments help anyone in any way?

flimflaminurjams Mon 30-Oct-17 13:24:51

How horrible. Why people think its any of their business what people do with their own loins is beyond me.

I would have to resist the temptation to say "My bits aren't old and past it. I haven't got a wrinkly fanjo or even a grey pube yet so it'll be fine."

But them I'm old and got sick of people telling me I didn't know how lucky I was to have DD (when actually I did because I was told it would be v difficult to conceive due to problems).

You said in your post you wish you had them in your 20s but you weren't with the right man. Enough said. If you'd had a baby with him and relationship went Pete Tong, all the naysayers would have been out in force again.

Don't live your life by what other's say, you can't win.

grannysmiff Mon 30-Oct-17 17:08:20

What I would say is I have friends in their 50s who ended up not having kids, and the ones who didnt have kids because they never met the right guy all gave me the advice: dont wait around for the right guy, if you want it, make it happen

QueenLetizia Mon 30-Oct-17 17:56:00

I agree, dont' wait around for a half-way decent respectful man who is good company and willing to commit. You could be waiting a long time.

If you know that you want a child, give it another 18 months say. OLD and be very very very clear about what your goal is. SCARE away anybody who doesn't want to be a father.

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