Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
The other woman what to do(38 Posts)
Hopefully i can get a bit of insight or clarity as so confused and dont know what to do or if its my job to do anything at all.
My husband and I seperated just over a year ago. At the time I asked him to tell me if he choose to start a relationship with someone else, he agreed but then in the summer our child started talking about a woman upon return from visiting him. At first he denied it but then admitted he was seeing someone but it ment nothing. I asked him to be carefull in terms of our child building a relationship with her if indeed it ment nothing and said it was time we actually begin divorce proceedings.
He said he wanted to try again and work on our marriage. I agreed providing he ended things with the other woman.
Fast forward 6 weeks we have began dating and spending a few evenings together. He wanted to move back in but I said its not something Im ready for.
He rang me yesterday to say the other woman dropped presents for our childs birthday with his flatmate. He wanted to know what he should do with them?!
I now feel so confused angry and numb all rolled into one. I dont know how to react. Im not convinced he has ended it if shes showing up. Why would a woman do that
with no encouragement. He claims he ended it and hasnt spoke to her since. Equally I dont know what he thinks telling me will achieve. Originally he told me it was nothing but since now has admitted she met his family amd friends that they were together for 3 months. Which now makes me feel like they are all in support of him being with someone else so that i wouldnt be able to trust him not to have an affair if we got back together and hit a rough patch again.
Has anyone delt with anything similar?
I think he wants to be with you.
but the ow doesn't want to let go.
She has no relationship with your child.
Insist they are left at a charity shop.
There are two obvious scenarios:
1. The ow was looking for an excuse to 'drop by'
2. They are still dating
Personally, I think it's 1 as he could have just disposed of the present and you wouldn't know a thing.
I think he does want to be with you but for a while there thought getting back together/working on things wasn't going to happen. Now that is happening and he has been honest with you, although I understand that it is very painful.
I would just calmly and clearly ask him the questions you'd like answered with no accusation or confrontation and try to have a conversation about it.
I think he’s telling you so that he can be honest about what is happening as if he was still seeing her I don’t see why he would tell you.
I think the main issue is his lack of honesty about the relationship with her in the past. 3 months is not that long so I’d be surprised if real feelings had developed but it depends whether you can get past that as there may be the odd reminder come up although probably not many as they weren’t together long.
If he isn’t already he needs to stop all contact with her, block her number etc.
I think it’s a good thing he’s told you. He’s being honest and open and it wouldn’t make me doubt him saying he broke things off with her when he did. It sounds like he’s just as confused as you as to why she dropped round the gifts.
If they were secretly dating I don't think she would leave presents as she would know he'd have to explain where they came from.
I agree with a pp that it sounds like he's attempting to be truthful with you and that she used your child's birthday as an excuse to get back in touch.
He had the affair in the first place though. So you are not being unreasonable to analyse everything now trying to make sense of it.
Is he generally honest?
Does he lie easily?
Ok, so right now he wants to be with you but is he the type to lie with ease? I understand your worries about the next rough patch. In any long term relationship with DC there's gonna be a next rough patch and you need to know that he'll work on that, not jump ship in need of attention and validation.
Have you talked about what he'd do the next time you how a rough patch or a disagreement? Cos that's gonna happen, and it would have happened if he'd stuck with Ms OW
Also, I notice after posting the first post that your separation was nothing to do with an ow.
WHy did you separate? Have those issues been talked through honestly?
For me, the presents and her meeting his family aren't really an issue as far as I'm concerned. The OW and your H obviously tried to make it work so it's natural to meet family and exchange presents but it wasn't enough for him, he wants you.
However, have you explored what went wrong in your relationship? Because this is what will shore up your relationship and stop each of you looking elsewhere to have your needs met by somebody else. If you haven't already had councelling, I'd recommend it before you embark on getting back together. I'd recommend John Gottman who has conducted scientific research about relationships and even has a 'Love Lab'. Go Google/YouTube him. He's an author as well so I'd order one of his books as well.
Marriage Builders is a good site. This guys an author too:
Hi thank you for the opinions. Food for thought.
To answer questions: we have discussed problems around why we split and what we should do to fix it.a lot of it was to do with communication expectations and conflicting schedules.
When he wanted attention I was tired from work. When I wanted to go out and do things he wanted to stay in and sleep. His weekend relaxation was with his friends fixing up cars mine was doing kid focused outings, homework. Eventually after 7 years we were like strangers. The only time we had dine anything together before we split had been to celebrate our anniversery 10 months previously.
Except for initially lying about the ow Ive had no reason previously to question his honesty. I guess the question is whether after going after another woman once and getting past it what would stop it from happening again if a man knows it was accepted the first time.
Are their any people who have repaired a marriage successfully when someone else has come into the picture.
You need to stop thinking of her as the Other Woman, it’s affording her an importance she doesn’t have. You were separated and they dated for a few months. He decided he wants to be with you.
Sounds like the OW is trying to hang on and insert herself into his life by buying presents for your child.
He wants to be with you.
May I ask why you separated in the first place? What has changed that you would consider the relationship again?
But you didn't accept the OW, you were both separated at the time when he embarked on his relationship with her? The thing that will keep him from straying, will be if his needs are met (and yours obviously!) so you'll both need to revisit and address the complaints that drove you both apart.
I haven't read this book but I intend to.
She's not really the OW, as you were separated. I think he's being truthful with you. He was very transparent about it. That would give me confidence.
Maybe she took a liking to your children and wants way back in.
You need to work on reconnecting and getting back that emotional connection thst drew you together.
Set aside date nights.
Work together as a couple
Have plans together for the future
Allow each other space
Do family activities
Don things as individuals
The tighter your bond...the better your marriage.
Have you looked into relationship counselling?
Agree with PP - she’s not “OW” because they met after you’d separated. He sounds like he’s trying to be transparent.
If you can discuss the reasons for why you split in the first place, and get to a place where your lives sync up again, then I don’t see why it can’t work. I wouldn’t be worrying too much about the “competition” in this instance - people will often rebound into short term relationships after the shock of a split.
They’re not necessarily thinking too clearly at that point, particularly if they weren’t the person initiating the separation, which is why most (sensible) people won’t get into a relationship with a very newly single partner.
Okay so got some good advice re this post so thiught id try for more as i so feel like im falling apart. I got past the above issue snd my ex and I seemed to be moving forward we read a couple of relationship books together, discussed them, have been dating etc. He was ment to stay with us xhristmas to new year. Gets to boxing day after a lovely fqmily christmas says hes going shopping goes back to his place and decides hes got to much yo do to come back. Then in yhe midst of a discussion about this as kids disappointed he tells me that he took the girl he claims ment nothing to him that he was with while we were seperated. Tells me that he took her on holiday back to our home country in the summer and introduced her to his parents who he has not told that hes getting back with his wife even though he insisted i tell mine. During the time he was away even though we were seperated he kept ringing me telling me he will always be part of my life no matter what I do. And now i find out sje was there with him the wjolr time. For weeks h3s been on at me to go back this year for a family trip to visit his parents and a small commjnity where everyone has seen him paradkng around with ghis wkman. I just feel numb i dont know what to do. Im j7st lost.
Sorry ment to add that i the midst of the whole conversation he tells me he wants yo end thingd then says he wants to try and see how things go then but he cant take me constantly nagging him about it so if I cant let it go we should jyst end it and so on
It's over, Nellia, I'm sorry. He left, panicked and came back - and now he's stringing you along. The only way you can stay even in the picture is if you let him do what he wants. I wouldn't be able to put up with that and I doubt you'd be able to either. Could you?
If you end it yourself you'll bring a halt to the agony and you can start repairing yourself. Get proper advice on how to disentangle yourself from him.
Start Divorce proceedings.. this is just too fucking awful.. he played you whilst playing her.... too cruel and no wonder she brought your kids presents.. she feels like family now....
Kick his ass to the Kerb lovely... for your own Sanity
What did he tell you about ending it?
She could be finding the "perfect excuse " to contact him and it's very hard to refuse a kind gesture which might be what she's banking on.
Nelya - sorry about this all. These things are never easy.
However - this is what I understand from people who got through affairs - it’s bit helpful to bring it up and constantly refer to the events.
And in your situation - you were separated, so it want an ‘affair’.
As difficult as it may be to hear - but unless you can put this woman out of your mind - he’s only been with her for 3 months - and taking her on a trip doesn’t need to signify any special importance of her for him -
So - unless you can put her out of your mind and work on your relationship - it won’t work.
He is right.
Josuk That's a rather peculier way of looking at it. You don't go on holiday with a girl friend, (ex or otherwise), if there is nothing between you, and especialy if you are trying to to reconcile with you wife.
You need to sit him down and talk to him. Yell him how you feel about the discoveries...about not telling his parents ...and make it clear you aren't best pleased about things.
Hash it out and be clear you're prepared to be done if he's not being honest.
DoNotWorry - we don’t know anything about that holiday.
Why he went, how she joined.
OP and him were separated then.
He was visiting his home country - so it wasn’t exactly a whisking her off to a tropical island sort of situation.
Maybe he just started her as she said - always wanted to visit XYZ, and he’s just been dizzy with freedom of separation and thought why not.
These things are never black and white. And are dynamic. And many scenarios are possible.
All we know was that while away he was telling OP that she is important to him.
But what is definitely true is that was a long time ago, in summer. And since then he broke up with that woman. And OP be him we’re trying to date and spend time together.
And what is, even more definitely true - dwelling on the woman he saw for a short time while they were separated is not going to help. Bringing it up would cause resentment and destroy any hope for reconciliation.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.