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Co parenting with a difficult(narc) ex - the reality

(10 Posts)
greenberet Mon 30-Oct-17 07:36:19

I have read on here so many times about the ongoing difficulties mums (mainly) are having trying to parent with a difficult ex not only in terms of not getting the right financial support but more importantly the emotional impact it continues to have on Dcs and themselves

My own situation has been a nightmare - I have my current thread on here where I have posted the ups and mainly downs of fallout post divorce but I also came across this thread of mine right at the start where I was questioning the recommendation to co parent

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2225087-getting-divorced-but-parents-for-life-how-does-this-work-then

My own issues apart from the ongoing financial one in respect of child maintenance and getting the correct amount from CMS include constant ignoring of any communication I have with him in relation to the kids except where there is contact involved - except recently he is communicating with the kids directly about contact even going so far as trying to change the existing arrangement without running it past me first. I only find out because my kids keep me informed.

Some issues I have had to deal with and which I feel warrant some form of co-parenting include Ds googling trying to kill yourself at school, Dd aggressive behaviour towards me, Ds having self harming thoughts over change of school and the last issue discovering this weekend Ds is smoking weed.

All of these have been met with stony silence yet I know the x has been communicating with the kids about other more mundane things.

I have also read on here more worryingly that the courts are not overly bothered about any of this and that they perceive it to be conflict with parents trying to get one over on the other - said by a family lawyer - and that the legal profession just see it as a way of earning more money. It is cited that it is in the best interests of the child - but some of the things I have read on here would indicate otherwise judging by the emotional impact on the kids.

I know there a few who are trying to raise this further with several organisations just wondered how many altogether.feel like this.

I know my ongoing battle has had severe impact on my own MH I can't believe that my dcs will come out unscathed by any of this although I intend to do what I can to try and minimise any long term effect on them

greenberet Tue 31-Oct-17 07:34:52

I am surprised I have no comments..

PNGirl Tue 31-Oct-17 09:32:20

I don't know what to say really. If you married a man who turned out to be an arsehole, you cannot change his behaviour no matter how much you rant and rail at him. Men who leave are often also wanting to check out of parenting duties.

GeriT Tue 31-Oct-17 11:57:27

I am going to go through this - I know it.

I'm so angry about everything today :@

ilovekitkats Tue 31-Oct-17 12:06:44

XH also tries to arrange contact with DC direct. When they tell him to email me about it, he does it with 12 hours notice. Currently hasn't seen DC for 8 weeks. If DC messages "I miss you" he simply replies "I miss you too"! And does nothing about it.

It's not worth going to court because they still can't be forced to stick to contact but if you stop it for any reason you will be in breach of it. So just makes your life even harder.

oldstudentmum Tue 31-Oct-17 19:51:47

OMG I have the same tshirt on this. you cannot co-parent with a narcissist no matter what. money is a control issue with them. and so to is him asking your children about contact, that is bad it should be through parents not kids. my advise is make sure you read the messages he is sending to your children and if he every phones make sure you are in the same room, and don't let him facetime. its not about the kids with people like him its about still having the control over you and him knowing how to "get" to you. I read Tina Swithin book the Narc Decoder - get it, bloody hell it was a brilliant read. If you cut down on messages etc to him that is a good plan just one email very straight and to the point every say fortnight. do not follow it up though he doesn't reply or such like, as people like him thrive from drama and an argument its like heroine to them don't give him his fix.
Any court order they will flaunt - why should anyone dare tell them what to do, they are excellent at pulling the wool over peoples eyes. As ilovekitkats has said court orders make your life harder.
Him trying to change the contact arrangements are his way of trying to get you into an argument. I would suggest similar to what I did was a very short email (make sure everything is done via email or post)
" dear xxx, please refrain from using our children to pass messages regarding contact all arrangements should be made with myself. regards you.

But on a lighter note since I went grey rock with my ex narc he hasn't messaged myself since July !!!! will now and again email the 9 year old but she doesn't reply.

hopefully the courts will recognise these people they have class b personality disorders, and they can be dangerous on a emotional level and the effects of which can last for a long time. they don't make good parents as they will critise the children when older as they like their offspring to be something to booast about, afterall these children came from their greatly superior genes LOL. I feel personally they treat children like property and the children must like it or else the parent is displeased. You mentioned your child googling about killing himself, your former partner will not be interested his brain lacks that capacity infact if an child has a illness or similar that is a weakness in their eyes. does your ex favour a particular child?

You have to take over the role of mum and dad you can do this and you will have to, your ex is weak You are stronger. At this time CAFFCAS/ family courts don't understand narcisstic traits they brush them aside.
We can only hope that one day it will be understood.

Wishingandwaiting Tue 31-Oct-17 19:55:10

Sounds diabolical. Truly. I am at the other end of the scale. My ex and I are very close and speak daily about the children. It’s such a relief to hand them over for a weekend and know that I will skype them and be kept up to date with what’s happening.

You mention the courts not being overly bothered. Bothered about what exactly? Him being uncommunicative? I don’t see any reason whatsoever why courts should spend time getting involved on the nitty gritty of co parenting.

donners312 Tue 31-Oct-17 20:07:21

it's just horrendous isn't it.

Think the only thing you can do is totally check out of it all.

CMS couldn't give a rats arse just totally pathetic and wrong.

Court - well if you breach a court order realistically can they do? Fine you? jail you? I doubt it? so ignore it.

But obviously your DC MH is important and so has to be dealt with )the more my kids are away from their "Father" the better they do but when he rears his head or they see him it all unravels)
-
The unfairness of it makes me so sick!!! 100% of the childcare, 100% of the financial responsibility and the fact these fuckers can walk away with no responsibility, cause a million problems for the children (and you) and somehow this is all your fault.

I am trying to find forgiveness/let the anger go - but it isn't easy and so hard to see other people with happy family/marriages/no financial worries. But these men don't care you have to try to find a way to let it go. (I haven't yet) xxx

ddrmum Tue 31-Oct-17 20:41:37

Totally feel your pain. It's impossible to co-parent with a narcissist. They are always looking for a reaction from you & will use the children to get it. They don't care about the children's MH, only their own needs. My children are suffering, the eldest in particular as he is isolated & favoured by his father & g'parents. It's truly awful sadangry

ddrmum Tue 31-Oct-17 20:42:51

It's all about control - controlling you in whatever way he can.

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