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Feeling betrayed that boyfriend disses me to friends

(21 Posts)
ZaraCC Sun 29-Oct-17 21:36:20

So I have done something that I know I shouldn't have-I looked at messages on my boyfriend's phone-I know this is not a nice thing to do, and I'm not proud of myself.

Things have been a bit rocky between us recently, and he has been a bit distant. We've been together almost a year, but apart from problems recently, things have been lovely-he is a lovely guy. The main issues between us have been along the lines of him not committing and making me a priority in his life.

He has a particular friend who I have not met yet-they don't see each other very often due to distance but are in constant contact.

They were both single for a long time and were each other's confidants in terms of dating etc-my boyfriend told me that they would spend ages on the phone chatting about dates/women and all that kind of thing(I always thought that was more what girls did!)

I am a really private person and don't discuss problems in our relationship with my friends as I would feel bad to badmouth him, and feel disloyal. I feel that this is different to just chatting about dates in the past as we are in a serious relationship.

Anyway, from the beginning of our relationship, it felt like the friend would be constantly negative about me and our relationship-eg, I worked abroad for a period and he was saying things to my boyfriend along the lines of he shouldn't trust me. In recent arguments, something else the friend said was also brought up. I think that his friend resents the fact that his wingman is now in a relationship and would love for him to be back in his single state.

So I looked at some texts between them-I had been noticing that if we had any issues and then he was on the phone to his friend, his manner towards me would become much more cool. In the text messages, I feature a lot-its almost like a day to day account of how our relationship is going. It goes along the lines of 'How are things with GF this week?' and then a long discussion of my recent actions/things I did wrong etc. There are some things mentioned that I had no idea he was annoyed about-really tiny issues but I was so shocked that they had been mentioned. The texts felt as if every fault of mine was being listed. The friend was so negative about me-saying that he should end it etc.

I feel so betrayed and upset-I don't want to admit reading the messages but know that I know what has been said, I can't just get over it.

Just to add, I am not some kind of nightmare girlfriend. I am pretty easygoing and in general things have been good between us. He has always talked about wanting his future to be with me.

I am private and he wears his heart on his sleeve so I suppose I am wondering if I am wrong to feel so betrayed and upset?

Gemini69 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:46:22

this is such a cruel betrayal ... he is blogging your entire existance/faults to his bezzy mate... practically daily.. that's beyond weird and wrong OP ... I'm sorry but I couldn't trust this man with your heart flowers

Holdtightdontletgo Sun 29-Oct-17 21:48:57

It sounds like his mate is encouraging him but your boyfriend should be more respectful. I couldn't forgive that.

gamerchick Sun 29-Oct-17 21:53:35

I couldn’t forgive that either.

Time for a sit down chat about the future of your relationship.

cordelia16 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:54:04

oh, this is awful for you, OP -- how dare he moan to his friend every day about your "faults"! it's a complete betrayal of your privacy and trust.

tbh he sounds very immature and incapable of being in an adult relationship. you say he says he has trouble committing, which is another red flag from my experience.

one solution is for you to end the relationship. no need to even tell him you saw these messages. you don't actually don't need to give him a reason... just say your feelings for him have changed.

you deserve much better! flowers

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:59:41

Don't some woman do this with their friends, have a bitch about their partner? Why can't he have a moan?
Wasn't a thread that long ago where a poster was saying her DP was annoyed because he found texts on her phone where she had dragged him off a bit. Consensus was he was a dick, what OP said in texts were private and had no right too snoop.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 29-Oct-17 22:02:29

Maybe your relationship has run its course OP. Some don't last beyond the honeymoon period sadly. thanks

Farontothemaddingcrowd Sun 29-Oct-17 22:14:46

I think people need to sound off sometimes, but this sounds like it's becoming character assassination.

ZaraCC Sun 29-Oct-17 22:31:49

Thanks everyone for your feedback!

Yes, I was aware due to his open personality that he wouldn't be as private as me in terms of talking about our relationship but the texts felt like character assassination.

His friend has never met me and mentioned in a recent text 'how he didn't like the sound of me from the start'. My boyfriend didn't defend me at all.

My bf is not a nasty person in any way. But I am so devastated that he does not think that this behaviour is disloyal to me. It felt like he was discussing someone he had been on a couple of dates with, not someone who he is supposed to be in a serious relationship with.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 29-Oct-17 22:44:55

He's not the man for you. You need someone who's your best friend - not someone who slags you off behind your back.

SabineUndine Sun 29-Oct-17 22:53:48

He sounds immature and not ready for a long term commitment tbh. Also, has his friend got a gf? If not that might explain some of the jealousy.

lollipop7 Sun 29-Oct-17 22:54:08

@KungFuPandaWorksOut16 I think there’s a difference between keeping a fucking log and reciting to your mate on a weekly reporting basis detailing shortcomings and conducting some sort of psychological deconstruction vs a bit of bitch about someone in a fairly non sinister manner.

How’s your girlfriend this week?

A) well to be frank there’s been a another disturbing pattern of behaviours culminating in me thinking she’s not to be trusted and is really concerning me. I’m starting to think she’s not quite right in the head,

B) oh you know so so getting on my tits bit but well work it out. Anyway,what have you been up to?

In fact the Law thinks this to be the case too.

Annoyed5678 Sun 29-Oct-17 22:56:39

My ex used to do this behind my back to anyone who would listen but to my face he loved me ever so much I was the best thing ever, its a form of control and not sounding off because of an argument its deception at its finest. Tell him what you've read and if he can't talk to you about issues then what's the point. Two people in a relationship and only those two can make it work not his friend

FetchezLaVache Sun 29-Oct-17 23:02:46

Sounds to me like he's trying to play up your faults to his friend and downplay the general seriousness of your relationship so that his friend doesn't feel threatened that you'll become more important to BF than he is.

The sort of thing you do when you're about 13 and your best friend's jealous of your new friend.

Do you really want to forge a relationship with someone so juvenile?

OydNeverDeclinesGin Sun 29-Oct-17 23:04:21

That would be the end of the relationship for me.
It's one thing having the occasional moan but quite another to have your percieved faults listed daily.
How can you trust him from here on in?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge Sun 29-Oct-17 23:07:33

God I hate that. His mate is probably jealous as he has lost his wingman.

Annoyed5678 Sun 29-Oct-17 23:15:51

His mate isn't jealous I don't think but lapping up the Jeremy Kyle stories you partner is giving, its gossip on tap for him, your partner however is doing it for attention of how bad life is when really it isn't, just loves the laughing behind your back, you believing him when he says things are great yet he's typing differently. I agree with PP he's childish

SleightOfMind Sun 29-Oct-17 23:23:52

I’m going to stick my neck out here and say that this might not be the end of the world.
DH is a very open person and has very close relationships with his friends and family.
My family are troublesome and, while I love my friends, I’m pretty private.

In the early days of our relationship, he really struggled to understand how unfair it was to disclose very personal stuff to his loved ones or worse, vent to them about my failings. Some of the stuff he told people still makes my cheeks burn angry.
I sat him down and had that talk and he got it.
20+ yrs and 4dcs later I cannot imagine anyone having my back better.
Do talk to him though, and take a view after he’s had some time to process it.
It’s not ok if this carries on, it is a betrayal and not something you can, or should, live with.

ZaraCC Mon 30-Oct-17 08:17:30

Yes, that's what I want: A best friend, someone who has my back and is loyal to me. As I am much more private, I thought that maybe I was over reacting, but I don't think so now.

I think this might happen with his family too. We had an argument one weekend when he was back home and the next time I saw his family, there was a definite shift in their attitudes towards me. He also mentioned before things his mother commented on about ex girlfriends. I felt that was a betrayal on his behalf towards them. Even if it was after they broke up, I feel there was something petty and disloyal about letting his mother say things about them.

CheshireSplat Mon 30-Oct-17 08:23:46

Leaving aside his behaviour with his friend, do you think this relationship is good enough?

I just ask because you've been together less than a year. In the major relationships I've had I couldn't have listed any faults in the other person in the first year, I thought they were perfect! (Obviously that didn't last!!)

Your update about his family's behaviour is a little worrying too.

Hermonie2016 Mon 30-Oct-17 08:47:12

This is such a red flag on so many levels.

A basic requirement in a relationship is to resolve conflicts, compromise and accept the other person for who they are.If he had issues with you he needed to open with you.

Maybe you are not compatible but if that's the case he needs to break up with you not slate you.I think you are hung up on privacy but the issue is he's shown his true self.

I suspect he's not really keen on women so it's not you but all women.

I really wished I had known earlier in my life that when a man does something you don't like (early in a relationship) believe that this is the behaviour you will get most of the time in 5-10years.
When he is being nice it's hard to imagine he could ever be consistently cruel but he's showing you what his real personality is like and this will always dominate.

If you want to have a good relationship or marriage later in life you need to have higher standards and not tolerate behaviour such as this this.

I was taught to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and to see others perspectives, which I feel is what you are trying to do.However this always needs to be balanced with protecting yourself from unacceptable behaviour.

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