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Left out of family gathering, yet again(20 Posts)
It's starting to get on my tits now. I think I'm just in need of a vent really as I'm not sure what I can actually do to resolve this problem...
Generally, I really get on with my family, as does DH. I'm very lucky. We all live within walking distance, see each other regularly, help each other out, socialise and genuinely like and get on with one another. Not including children, there are 6 couples, which includes me & DH. My parents are another of the couples. However, for the umpteenth time, we are the only couple to have been left out of a family gathering that everyone else was invited to.
We are the 'baby' couple (ie. the other couples are my parents or aunts & uncles). Having said that, we are in our 40s so we're not exactly crazy party animals liable to trash the house or anything!! We're not really that much younger than 2 of the couples so it's not a generational thing either.
Today, there was a lunch at one of the couple's houses as one of the cousins is back from uni. We weren't invited. We only found out as we saw my parents this evening and they mentioned it.
Apparently, they arrived at the gathering and host aunt said 'Oh, is Luckiest & family not with you?' My mum said 'No, erm, because you didn't invite her...' which was met with puzzled looks...I think there was an assumption we'd know about the gathering via osmosis or telepathy or something.
I don't think it's a malicious thing. Just a thoughtless one. There's an assumption that someone will tell us but we're feeling very much like an afterthought. And frankly, it's starting to piss me off. This isn't the first time. In fact, this exact same thing happened only about 6 weeks ago - I eventually questioned (nicely) whether we were in fact, invited to a family BBQ. I was met with puzzled looks, tinkly laughs and mock offended 'Well, of COURSE you are!! How silly!!' comments...
Honestly, do we smell or something?! It's not that hard, is it, to send a text? We have well-behaved kids, get on very well with everyone, don't get too drunk or obnoxious, always contribute food/drink and don't take the piss...
I think our only 'crime' is our age. Possibly my relatives still think of us as the 'kids' (this is what we're sometimes still referred to...I'm in my 40s for god's sake...) so overlook us.
I'm not really sure what to do about this. Possibly not much really. Good to offload though. Sigh. It is a bit crap though.
I've found it's best to be direct in situations like this. The next time you see someone who didn't bother to invite you to a family event, ask them why and tell them how much you would have enjoyed being there. If there's no real reason, I imagine they'll remember to include you next time.
It sounds like they assume that you know you are invited. An oversight, so thoughtless rather than malicious. I agree that being direct is the best option.
Are they expecting your parents to extend the invite to you but your parents don't because they think that you should be invited in your own right (what with you being adults and all). It sounds like miscommunication rather than malicious.
Have yourself a get together and leave them all off the guest list. Slap pics all over FB etc.
They sound awful.
So you're expected but not explicitly invited from what you've said? Maybe your parents should be clearer and tell you when there's an event? Or speak to the other couples and tell them you need details as opposed to it being expected. I mean, how are you supposed to know something is happening?
Yes, that's it exactly Mael!! How are we expected to turn up to something we know nothing about?! It's bonkers.
Thanks all. Thought I was going mad. It's is ridiculous isn't it? I think they all assume that my parents will pass on the info - I jokingly said to my mum 'Everyone does realise that we don't still live with you, don't they?!!' We haven't lived at my parents for nearly 20 years Irony is that we see some of the aunts/uncles more regularly than my parents.
Yes, I think direct is the best course. My family are all very stubborn and would never admit fault. Might stop them being so bloody inconsiderate in future though!
So set up a WhatsApp or messenger group and drag them into this century communication wise
My family do this to me all the time. I've moved out and have a family of my own so I feel I should be contacted for invitations. Luckily my mum is great and reminds everyone they can always message me but they never do. I've been blunt with them but because my cousins still go through their parents everyone expects me to aswell.
I think it's habit. When you were children, they'd make arrangements through your parents and they would naturally include you. So they are just carrying on as normal. But your parents have stopped passing the message on, because you no longer live with them.
It doesn't sound like they are excluding you, just not realising that your parents aren't communicating with you. Why aren't they?
OP - I think it’s a generational thing.
They probably don’t send around texts/emails, or cards.
I’d guess they chat frequently (at last that’s what my mom, her sister and friends do all the time) and invite them while speaking in person.
And - as others said - they assume that you are part of your ‘parents side’.
Changing older people that are stubborn as you said is a fruitless enterprise. Just give them a break and make sure that your mom passes on the information.
We’ll also be old one days and have our own quirks!!!!
And - just to say - you are so lucky to live close to family. Many aren’t!!!
Also I don’t think it’s weird to have family gatherings where only one generation is invited. Certainly my husband’s family has events all the time where the aunts and uncles all get together (they are a family of 5 siblings plus their partners). Yes, they may be expecting your parents to extend the invite. But I think it also quite likely they just want to get together amongst themselves. I think it’s perfectly natural for adult siblings to want to see each other without children or extended family. You may perceive you are being left out but it might just be they want to spend time together without having to invite everyone. It doesn’t sound like other cousins and their children were invited either.
Yeah, agree they're expecting your parents as "the adults" to invite you because in their heads you are still one unit. Maybe explicitly say that you speak to your parents no more frequently than anyone else? Or ask your mum to do it.
Sounds like my family where invites are cascaded through parents or whoever knows first.
I’d be having words with your parents to ask the others to clarify if you’re invited and whether you been asked. You could also have a quiet word and say you were disappointed you’d missed out on the event due to miscommunication and could people ask you directly that 2 pronged solution should sort things out.
What happens with the other cousins? Are they always invited (which would mean a circle of more than 6 couples). Do they have children?
Perhaps they prefer to keep some of their gatherings adult only as children do change the dynamic however well behaved they are.
It's his they are used to communicating to you, ie, by inviting your parents they consider you invited.
Wear a dummy and a nappy to the next event, and hold your mum's hand all day....
This happens in my family. Theres so many of us that people are expected to invite their own immediate family. My mum would be expected to let me know if there was a family gathering, and not being asked directly definitely does not mean youre not invited
I think people probably just assume someone else has invited you or informed you by the sounds of it, rather than intentionally left you out.
My mother in law actually sent us a nasty text a few months back after a family gathering at their house where all the relatives came up to visit (all live dotted around the country). My reply was well if no one informs us there's a gathering it's a little difficult to attend! She apparently thought my father in law had told us and we just failed to show up.
I still get some invites via mum.
Doesn't bother me, because mum is very clear on who has invited and when/where etc.
But if these couples are not explicitly telling your parents to extend the invite to you then they are weird for getting confused when you don't show up.
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