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If you started dating and he tells you he's infertile but wants kids and would consider donor/adopotion, what would you do?

(24 Posts)
pieceofpietuesday Sun 29-Oct-17 21:11:11

I should say im not asking for me! my sister, who is definitely wants kids (early 30s), has been dating someone for 4 months, likes him a lot, and now he's said this. she told her friend and her friend said that she couldnt imagine not having a child WITH the man she was with, and that it would be different if they married and didnt know, but as they know at this early stage in their dating, she would call it a day.

what would you do? would you find it hard to know you couldnt ever have your partners child and get back into the dating pool?

SunnySomer Sun 29-Oct-17 21:13:47

So effectively punishing him for his honesty?
I think it would depend how much I liked the man.

pieceofpietuesday Sun 29-Oct-17 21:16:28

i wouldnt put it like that. she brought up the topic (shes keen for kids so its something she typically addresses early on).

for what its worth i thought her friend's comment was extremely harsh.

YouCantArgueWithStupid Sun 29-Oct-17 21:17:22

If he was the man I wanted to have children with it wouldn’t bother me how.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints Sun 29-Oct-17 21:18:34

As Sunny has said it would depend on how much I liked him. He has at least been honest which would seem to say he's a fairly decent kind on man. If she thinks it's something she could do (ivf if a donor/ having her whole life analysed if adoption) why not see where it goes?

SunnySomer Sun 29-Oct-17 21:20:13

I’m inclined to agree with you. I know one couple who have needed to go down the donor route. To be perfectly honest, if you didn’t know he wasn’t the child’s biological father, there is no way you would see it (so any outsider who didn’t know wouldn’t know). The conception bit was no different than a couple doing IVF....
If she’s really keen on him it is the relationship that is more important than the genealogy of the baby. I’m inclined to think.

lizabes Sun 29-Oct-17 21:20:39

I think bringing them up together is the important bit of having kids with someone rather than sharing your dna so would stay with him.

Cricrichan Sun 29-Oct-17 21:48:21

I'd be absolutely fine with that.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 29-Oct-17 21:52:01

Wouldn't be an issue for me.

luckyDuvet Sun 29-Oct-17 21:56:12

It would be an issue for me, so I would end the relationship. It's one of those things where there is no right or wrong answer though, so it doesn't really matter what any of us thinks, just what she thinks.

MelbourneClown03 Sun 29-Oct-17 22:10:48

It wouldn’t be an issue for me but if it is something that may bother your sister, she should be proactive in researching her options.

Her chances of success with a donor are quite high.

PurplePipp Sun 29-Oct-17 22:10:48

My DH told me within days of us first meeting that his DD was a miracle baby and that his sperm count was so low the chances of him ever having another miracle were slim to none.

It didn't really bother me too much because I was only 21 so wasn't thinking that far ahead, and didn't really understand infertility - I assumed that if he had managed once he would manage again.

5 years later and we are now married and approved as adopters. We did try for a baby for a year but nothing happened and it was still awful despite us both knowing it was a strong possibility.

Worth considering what he means by infertile though. If his sperm count is literally zero then yes he can't have children, but he only needs one sperm for IVF with ICSI to work!

PurplePipp Sun 29-Oct-17 22:14:05

Forgot to say that deciding to keep seeing him when he told me was the best decision of my life. I'd rather have no children or adopt a child with him, than have a biological child with anyone else.

SandyY2K Mon 30-Oct-17 00:27:40

He'd have to be really good in order for me to consider staying. If he was a good man, who loved me and I felt the same ... I'd be open to the idea.... but any hint of incompatibility and I'd be off.

Mintychoc1 Mon 30-Oct-17 00:48:11

I would say she needs to be sure that he is definitely prepared to do what it takes to have a baby, be that adoption or sperm donor.

Adopting is a hugely stressful process, and the couple have to be absolutely certain they want to do it.

Equally sperm donation is stressful, and you do hear of men realising when it comes to it that they can't go through with it. I think most clinics offer counselling to patients in this situation.

Aminuts23 Mon 30-Oct-17 00:48:16

I think he sounds honest, open and genuine and there’s a lot to be said for that. If she likes him enough she should stick with it. He sounds lovely

CoyoteCafe Mon 30-Oct-17 01:51:19

I would want to know the rest of his back story. Most single, childless people don't have any idea whether or not they can easily have children.

But I was never fussed on making babies. I thought it was overrated. I wanted the experience of raising a child. I would have been fine with adoption.

pirouetta Mon 30-Oct-17 02:02:57

Personally I know that adoption or donor sperm wouldn't be for me, so I'd rethink the relationship. After 4 months I wouldn't have much invested in it, so I'd draw a line under it and move on.

CompletelyUnknown Mon 30-Oct-17 03:33:06

My DH told me this within the first couple of weeks of dating. He had a DS and through a medical condition was unable to have another natural child through no fault of his own. It didn’t scare me. I knew it was him I wanted to be with. We are now married with a beautiful DD that we adopted. We discussed our options and existed early on we’d focus on adoption instead of IVF/AI etc. That was our decision based on my love for DSS and another adopted child in the family I knew I didn’t need that blood tie just this man as the father in my child. Open and honest discussion and a plan early on on what to do helps later down the line. That way you know what process you are comfortable with and when the time is right you start. It’s not planning a family early doors in a relationship it’s getting to know the person better. Good luck to your sister.

Ttbb Mon 30-Oct-17 03:35:41

I think that it would depend on the man but generally speaking I would be open to it. At her age she can't really afford to be picky anyway

devondream Mon 30-Oct-17 03:46:31

Having a child by a donor or adopting one is still "having kids"!

devondream Mon 30-Oct-17 03:49:37

Just to add that terminology such as "not their real child' or
"They could not have children of their own so they adopted' are very
Hurtful to an adopted child.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Mon 30-Oct-17 04:39:15

How much does he want to have a child?

Fertility treatments can be v expensive and NHS provision can be limited, perhaps more so in future. They can also be stressful for the couple.
I know a couple who imported sperm from the US. They pay to store the remaining sperm now so that their planned second child will be a full genetic sibling. They said they couldn't get sperm in UK.
Would they have finances to potentially pay for treatment when the time came?

Adoption carries it's own set of challenges. If they are keen to adopt that is wonderful, but many people who want to have a baby won't be suitable for adopting a child who has suffered neglect/ abandonment/ substance damage in the womb, or won't want to go through the lengthy and detailed adoption procedures.

If he is also equally determined to have a child one day then I would continue the relationship, but I'd be cautious that some people would want a child but wouldn't want to go to equal lengths. You say that he would "consider" fertility treatment and adoption, but if he hasn't researched them then 'considering' them five years down the line may lead to him deciding no, and your sister being in a difficult position.

drspouse Mon 30-Oct-17 09:44:59

If he was the man I wanted to have children with it wouldn’t bother me how.
And also as PP have said children who are adopted are "your own".

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