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Please support - separation talk today

(6 Posts)
F4ttyBumBum Sun 29-Oct-17 21:00:59

My background is: I am 39yrs, he is 45yrs married for 10 years and going out for a total of 13 years - two children 8yr and 6yrs.

This time last year he told me he didn't love me anymore, there had been a general parting of the ways since kids came on the scene (stress and it magnified how differently we approach life). I took on board the feedback he gave me - I seemed to have given up, weight gain ++, not spending time together, I nagged at him to do household chores and I spoke down to him. This happened at a time that I was low in mood and off work with depression, kids not doing well at school - I felt like a shit mum, friend, human being.

Throughout 2017 I booked a holiday abroad in April where we had a really good time together and then for 10 yr wedding anniversary another foreign holiday that we had a great time. When we returned back - he went straight back into the "challenging behaviours" that caused me to nag him about - excessive time on computer, being grumpy and morose, not doing his fair share of keeping household ticking over (we both work full time). The headlines being: we have many shared experiences and great memories over the past 13 years. We have a great time outside of real life but put us back in - he has issues with me and I have issues about him.

For the sake of the kids, I have become a doormat this year, making no complaint about him - not seeing the point in creating conflict and also desperate to make it work for the sake of the kids. Over the past 3-4 months there have been some incidents that how he has no appreciation, respect or love for me, I have been really hurt but come to the conclusion that we can't save what we have.

I spoke to him today about spending some time apart, he asked if I loved him - I said the cliche that will always love him but I don't feel in love with him. There have been all kinds of emotions out there from him - now anger and saying he wants to move out ASAP, tell people and remortgage the house etc. I'm struggling with it all feeling so final and such sadness that this is the end. My head knows this is the right thing but my heart is aching.

For better or worse, he knows me better than anyone in this world and we laugh listening to the children singing. I will feel so sad not having anyone to share that with.

Please.... some hand-holding, advice, stories of inspiration would be gladly received.

pointythings Sun 29-Oct-17 22:41:52

I can't offer you inspiration. I can only say that when your heart is telling you to get out, you should listen.

Your children will pick up on the tension between you. They will learn that men can get away with not pulling their weight around the house despite equal hours worked. They will learn that it is OK to put a partner down if you can get away with it.

Don't let your children learn these lessons. Teach them instead that a parent alone can make a good life for a family. Teach them that they can be strong and independent, and find a love that is worthy of them.

I am divorcing my husband - the process starts tomorrow. It will bring sadness and ultimately it will bring me and my DDs the freedom and happiness we deserve. You can have that too.

LellyMcKelly Mon 30-Oct-17 01:20:02

Is he involved with someone else? Because this conforms to the Cheater's Script - criticising you, blaming you...etc. His behaviour is controlling. He is not allowing you to be you. And you are moulding you behaviour to accommodate what he wants.

F4ttyBumBum Mon 30-Oct-17 16:42:17

Thank you pointythings I do see my husband replaying the script that his parents have played out - very traditional roles of a working class family - dad lies on couch, mum works 2 jobs and caters for his every need, he only gets up to go to the toilet. I see that he doesn't explicitly expect this of me but we have fallen into the roles. So when we had money troubles - I started working two jobs, apart from the bins and washing his own clothes, he has never unprompted done any chores - would not know how to clean a bathroom etc. He comes home, makes his food and goes on the computer until 2am. Me and the kids irritate him so we stay away in our bedrooms because it's stressful if there's tension in the house.

I want better for my kids and I want my son to be an equal household partner when he is an adult. This hasn't been the driving reason for the separation but it is a reason to press on when times are tough.

Thank you for taking the time to reply xx

F4ttyBumBum Mon 30-Oct-17 16:53:07

Hi LellyMcKelly I have been jealous in the past of his online interactions with young attractive gaming girls. He'll say flattering things to them like "ILU" which I think means I Love You. I know he has in the past googled 7 year itch and divorce before staying out with a friend overnight. However, I genuinely don't believe he has cheated on me, I think he might like to if he had the chance in real life so maybe he has wished he could cheat which is why there is some of the script here.

I have a very responsible job and in my 20s was known to be a feisty and independent woman but I see what you mean about being controlled. I feel dragged down by him and in order to preserve the family unit have accommodated him (as I think you have to in a relationship) but it has not brought us any closer or brought about much kindness or affection from him.

I think he is trying to manipulate me (into what, I don't know - because he says he doesn't love me and he wants to leave ASAP) because he's saying he thinks about killing himself, he will be destroyed by not living with his kids all the time, he hates the thought of me finding another man and having him have contact with the kids etc. Last night he was saying we will never make love again and what are we going to say to the kids. These things are really upsetting me, I wish I didn't have to go through it. When I woke up this morning for a second everything felt normal and then I realised that things were not and our lives are changing significantly.

I talked to a friend at work about this and she said the first few weeks are horrendous but it will get easier as I adjust to my new life. I do feel ashamed and guilty about divorcing but also think it is best to do it as quickly as possible. I have been googling quickie divorces and they can be done in 16 weeks?

pointythings Mon 30-Oct-17 19:32:22

OP I hope mine will be 16 weeks, that would be amazing...

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