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If you other half had severe mental health issues, did the relationship last?

(17 Posts)
pieceofpietuesday Sun 29-Oct-17 18:23:34

I posted the other day about my husband being mentally ill and off work. i don't know how to link the thread!

if anyone has lived with this, did your relationship last or did you end it, and if you stayed in it, was there relapse?

thank you x

GeriT Sun 29-Oct-17 19:24:47

I have tried my hardest to make it work.

We are on the verge of collapse. He wont get help, believes im against him and therefore chooses to continue his affair.

Im at my wits end.

KittyandTeal Sun 29-Oct-17 19:29:59

I’m the one in our relationship with mental health issues.

There was a period where my dh has to look after me, it was hard work and stressful for him. However, I got a lot of help and worked really hard engaging with therapy, following all the adivice etc.

I now work part time (until sept I had dd at Home 3 days a week anyway) don’t drink, spend a lot of time running and cycling and moderate my diet. I also am in long term therapy. I work hard at keeping some semblance of normality in our house. However, my dh often has to deal with not fun aspects of my bpd.

We have a solid relationship. I feel it is slightly unbalanced because he seems to give more than I’m capable of, he strongl disagrees and I’m working to n this in therapy.

It can work I think but the person with mental health issues has to work hard on themselves as well as the relationship. It’s not easy.

GeriT Sun 29-Oct-17 19:32:29

@kittyandteal well put x

If they can't see their issues and aren't willing to work at it. There's no point.

Going to counselling week on week wont be the miracle cure. You need to be also willing to put in the effort.

Santawontbelong Sun 29-Oct-17 19:34:24

Exh had mh issues. Didn't take his meds properly and used depression as an excuse to be a class A twat.
Lied and deceived (not cheated) swore and shouted at my dc ... Pushed and shoved me. .
I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour .

yumchoc Sun 29-Oct-17 19:48:06

My hubsband had depression and anxiety it got to such a bad place that he tried to kill him self it was one of the hardest years but he has worked hard in therapy and moderate his self in life it’s been 6 years and he has had very hard stressful times and not let him self be controlled by it

I have suffered with PTSD and depression and I have dedicated myself to therapy and to continue to challenge my self and self monitor my condition

If you truly love somebody and they are in bad place education of the mental illness is key that and being as understanding of them as possible along with support in getting help and monitoring the symptoms
It can get better but it’s definitely hard on both sides I wish you luck

SignOnTheWindow Sun 29-Oct-17 19:55:24

I was off work for 10 months during a very severe episode of depression. DH essentially became my carer as well as looking after the DC. It was not easy for any of us, but we have come out of it still strong as a couple.
We've learnt the following:
The ill partner needs to work hard to follow advice, take medication (hugely important) and work really hard on getting into good routines re. sleep and exercise.
The healthy partner needs to work hard to empathise. It helps to read up on mental health and the experiences of people who have been through serious problems. Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton is as good a depiction of severe depression as I've ever read.
Both parties need to keep the lines of communication open.
The healthy partner will need some respite too. Evenings out with friends, gardening - some sort of time where they can feel like they aren't having to hold everything together.
The ill partner will probably need a LOT of reassurance that things will get better, that they aren't a burden.
It's hard. Everyone has to work. But it can work.
Good luck xx

pieceofpietuesday Sun 29-Oct-17 20:28:30

thanks. he hasnt worked in a year and yet wants to go out at weekends...how is that?!

glacierwhite Mon 30-Oct-17 02:09:44

I've had severe MH illness throughout my relationship with DH (10 years) and I've never been able to work during the time I've known him. He's incredibly supportive and is a great carer. Most ADs haven't worked for me, and therapy has to be very specialist due to the profile of my needs, so even when I'm willing to engage it's been incredibly difficult to recover.

Worriedrose Mon 30-Oct-17 02:23:15

It depends
It didn't work for me. But he didn't seek help in the way I wanted him to
I.e. At all
It wasn't the illness that ended us. It was him not wanting to deal with it. And it was extreme. Off work etc
But pretending to everyone else he was fine.

TammyswansonTwo Mon 30-Oct-17 06:08:12

Sorry, what does him not working have to do with him wanting to maintain some sort of normality? I'm confused.

Olddear Mon 30-Oct-17 06:23:42

Tammy I read it as he says he's too ill to work but he can manage to do all the fun things.

BlueA4Paper Mon 30-Oct-17 06:43:42

Mine didn't work but ex abused me and tried to blame it on his MH.

TammyswansonTwo Mon 30-Oct-17 07:08:06

I get that, but going out and doing something enjoyable is a) nothing like going to work and b) pretty crucial if you have mental health issues and don't want to end up far worse and housebound.

If she were saying "he says he can't work because of a bad back but at the weekend he wants to go rock climbing", I think she would have a point. However, having MH issues that prevent you from working shouldn't mean you should refrain from any and all leisure activities, quite the opposite in fact.

coalwife Mon 30-Oct-17 07:19:15

My exh had severe depression and anxiety. He like a PP husband used that to be a dick. He was selfish, lied, lazy the list is endless. I was manipulated by him for 12 years to the point where I was becoming ill. I left for the sake of my kids. They needed normality and no emotional blackmail.

TheWildRumpyPumpus Mon 30-Oct-17 07:22:46

I was the unwell one in our relationship - spent a few months in psychiatric hospital and did zero one on one childcare for a very long time.

DH was bloody amazing, working full time and managing the household while I mostly rocked in a corner.

We are still together 7 years later and things are good. I engaged with mental health services whenever necessary, took my meds and asked for help when needed.

moomoo222 Mon 30-Oct-17 07:25:43

It depends on what 'going out' entails. If he doesn't feel he can work & is wanting to 'go out' at the weekend, especially if it involves excessive drinking or drugs (which are often used to self-medicate MH issues) then it wouldn't be constructive & might be frustrating for the OP? If however she means he wants to 'go out' for long family walks on the beach or to visit a gallery or spend time with supportive friends then that is different.

As for the question OP, everyone is different- it is too hard without knowing your relationship or circumstances, however finding RL support or counselling for you is important. Someone at Mind might be able to point you in the right direction: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/#.WfbSzkGnzYU

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