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Crush on colleague

(15 Posts)
annettecurtain74 Sun 29-Oct-17 18:20:21

I'm going anonymous here because well it should be obvious. Have been married for 12 years with two little ones. Believed we were as happy as realistically could be. Is the passion still there with DH? Not exactly but I'm proud of the life we have built and our children. However something strange has happened in the last few months. Our teams have moved about a bit at work and we're now located next to this other team with a guy on it who I can only say I've developed a crush on. It seems silly and in some way superficial but it's soooo powerful.

The strange thing is that I wouldn't necessarily think of him as my type. I tend to like men who are quite a bit taller than I am but he is quite good looking in a cuteish sort of way. To be honest I thought at first he was way too young but it turns out he's mid thirties so not that much younger than me. We don't tend to be working together as such but although he's very quiet he's always nice and helpful if I have an issue with something. I do like to try and find excuses to be able to bother him about stuff. Our office is really rather boisterous/rough and ready so in a way he seems like a bit of a fish out of water here and he's a bit of loner sitting around in breaks doing crossword puzzles. It's funny because his teammates mock him for being an old man about which he is a good sport but he has such a baby face.

We had a staff night out recently (a kind of anniversary) and I was quite surprised he turned up as I didn't really think it would be his scene. After a coupe of cocktails I summoned up the courage to chat with him, I asked why he was drinking coke and not alcohol. He said he never drank alcohol as he believed in Nechan philosophy. I wasn't quite sure how to respond but we chatted a bit about work - he's desperate to find another job, which made me feel sad that he might not be around for too much longer. In the end he left quite early just as the party was getting started - not because of me I hope! I've obviously seen him at work since and we smile/exchange pleasantries. He seems a bit impenetrable but I'd love to know more about him, what's going on underneath the glasses. He seems quite dour on the outside but when he's chatting with colleagues he's quite witty and happy to be the butt of banter.

In a way he seems quite passive and I think it would be so easy to make a move on him. I almost feel bad for saying so because he seems so innocent with his sweet smile but I'd roger him senseless. And needless to say I feel bad because I've got DH who hasn't done anything wrong. Is this 'normal' for married people or should I think this is a warning sign that something isn't right. Everything is just so frustrating. His unavailability (I understand he's single but well, I'm not) and guilt that I'm somehow betraying DH by thinking about another man all the time.

There's a recent book apparently by a Belgian therapist who says we ought to be a bit more forgiving of affairs - monogamy is tough. I'm starting to wonder if I can handle another 40 years of it.
Easiest thing would be to try and move elsewhere at work or wait for him to leave. Trouble is I don't want him to.

HoursOfFun Sun 29-Oct-17 18:26:09

He believes in the what philosophy?

Bruceishavingfish Sun 29-Oct-17 18:31:20

I googled nechan philosophy. And only this thread came up.

You need to step away. Decide what you want out of your marriage. It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that affairs are ok. They arent. The fact that you cant see yourself being faithful for the long run means there probably are issues in the marriage.

If you want an open marriage, speak to dh.

Ttbb Sun 29-Oct-17 18:38:19

Dear god don't make a moe on him, it's extremely unlikely that he is interested in you tbf. You're married with children and older than him. Just so many reasons not to go there.

cornflakegirl Sun 29-Oct-17 18:55:05

I assume he was referencing Nietzsche.

fuckweasel Sun 29-Oct-17 18:57:15

'Nietzschean philosophy' I assume.

Sunshineandshopping Sun 29-Oct-17 19:01:45

Yes Nietzschen philosophy.
Not sure he is for you op.

annettecurtain74 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:24:47

To be clear I don't honestly think i would have an affair with him it's just that I'm wondering if it's okay to feel this way? I hear people say it's a bad sign about a marriage but then others would say it's inevitable that you'll develop a crush here or there. Confused.

holdthewine Sun 29-Oct-17 19:26:55

Dear OP don’t you think most people get the odd crush in a long relationship? Enjoy it but keep it to yourself and do not act upon it or reveal it to anyone. It will pass and your life will be in tact. Act upon it, that way madness lies, as well as misery for you and your love ones.

holdthewine Sun 29-Oct-17 19:27:07

Loved ones

loveablether Sun 29-Oct-17 19:32:34

Don’t do it - it’ll pass. Mabey try and spice things up with your husband. It’s normal to have a wee crush but have a think about what would happen if you did cheat and was found out - you’d loose a lot and for what?

ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 29-Oct-17 19:40:28

I once read some very good advice on here on a similar thread.
1. Don't verbalise it to anyone as it somehow validates it
2. When you daydream about him, bring yourself back to earth with a bump -imagine going in to the bathroom after him and it smelling, imagine putting his dirty pants in the washer etc etc
Suddenly he is no more glamorous or attractive than current dh
Good advice I think.

FizzyGreenWater Sun 29-Oct-17 19:46:55

Go Nechan OP. Total cold turkey.

Bruceishavingfish Sun 29-Oct-17 20:35:50

Crushes are normal.

Its the extra paragraphs about monogamy that make me think you need to take a real look at the marriage.

TammyswansonTwo Mon 30-Oct-17 05:47:50

Oh good, he's really into Nietzsche. Like Hitler.

(only kidding, I know Hitler has really given that guy a bad rap).

Seriously though, he doesn't drink because of Nietzsche? Frankly that's just bizarre. Wait, is he that kid from Little Miss Sunshine?

Philosophy is wonderful stuff (or at least I thought so when I read as much of it as possible in my mid teens) but it's rarely applicable to every day life in a practical way. I'd be immediately wary of anyone who claims they properly live according to any philosophy, let alone Nietzsche - is he trying to be the übermensch? 🙄

I think crushes happen when you're married and they're usually about something else that's unresolved in your marriage. I've had maybe one or two when things haven't been great at home. Now I wouldn't look twice at anyone else, let alone in an inscrutable Nietzchean "superman" in his 30s (I would maybe forgive such pretension from a 19 year old student. Maybe). It really doesn't sound like the two of you have much in common so I'm sure this isn't about him at all, but there's some aspect of him that's appealing to you for some reason.

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