Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Potential Divorce - Positive stories? Advice?(6 Posts)
I have been reading some other threads and thought I would register and post here for some help from you.
So, where to begin?
About 5 weeks ago my husband of 8 years (together 12) advised he was no longer in love with me and we discussed us seperating. This is not what I want, I love him and repspect my wedding vows and believe we should do everything to rectify the issues before going down this road, he is aware of this.
We have 2 amazing children, DS who is 6 and DD who is 22 months,
After some soul searching there are many things I can see I have let slip over the last 2-3 years.
We had a non existant sex life, we sat on the sofa at nite and didnt talk, ive let my appearnace slip, ive worked ridiculous hours (we both work full time) and basically taken him for granted and presumed he would always be there.
We live in each others pockets, neither have a proper social life and what we do we do together.
He also has things he needs to work on, which he is trying to do and I have seen evidence of this, but I am aware I can only change myself
We have been to 2 counselling sessions and to be honest neither of us felt it was beneficial as since this all came out we have been openly speaking about the issues we have.
The one thing that did come to light was the counsellor believes I am depressed and possibly him
I have accepeted this and now can see it clearly, he hasnt and wont accept (at least out loud) this is a problem for him.
I have just returned from Florida today from
a 2 week vacation with my family and kids, we agreed he wouldnt come due to the situation and him feeling trapped (we told our DS he had to work and he accepted this, he has spoke to his dad every day whilst being here as well as DD also), he wanted to see if he missed me etc. This has been excrutiating for me and ill be honest the worst holiday I have ever been on, I am really struggling with my emotions.
Prior to me going away some of the changes we made were starting to have a positive effect, our non existant sex life extremley ramped up, we were talking, spending time together and laughing as a family, however he had concerns his feelings still hadnt changed despite this, me personally believes it took him months / years to get to this point, it wont be fixed in 4 weeks
All the changes I am making are for me as a person, and will be good for me irrelevant of the outcome of this, so no pressure from him on this side
Now here is the question, we originally agreed if we were going to split we would do it after Xmas and tell the kids then, rather then them have bad memories of this time of year. Do you think this is a good idea still?
I feel we will have another 8 weeks for me to show him I am trying to change / getting my depression sorted etc and we can build a new better marriage rather then salvage the old one which wasnt working.
However since being away I have also thought about discussing a trial seperation with him, where he moves out asap, we live our lives, look afta the kids and see what comes of that for both of us?
This is not something I want by any stretch of the imagination, he is my best friend as well as my husband, but if this is what it takes for us to both to find ourselves and potentially sort our problems I will do it.
Im pretty sure from how he has been whilst ive been away that he is going to say he still feels seperating is the best idea at the moment (i cud be wrong but my gut tells me im not). We will be having this discussion later tonight once the DC are in bed
Since being back the last few hours we have been chatting normally about general stuff. He knows im upset and when I asked for a hug have me one and waited for me to let go. Im just so scared as to how the discussions will go tonite 😓😓
What would you do in this situtation?
All opinions welcome, anyone been through something similiar and has a positive outcome?
He hasnt been bad about this and there is noone else on either side, if we are to split indefinatley or definatley I want it to remain amicable for the kids and so does he.
Sorry for rambling, the above isnt the half of it but id of been here all night! lol!
Any questions just ask.
I'm not too sure about the idea of faffing about with a trial separation when you have kids. It seems like a recipe for going back and forth with the lack of stability for them.
I wouldn't worry about what time of year you split up so long as it's not actually Christmas Eve or Christmas day!
Thanks Lucky for your response
Its also DD 2nd birthday the beggining of December and I cant see us having sorted by then as he has nowwhere to go etx which is why we thought leave until after Xmas if it happens
The trial seperation idea was based on telling the kids we had split up and would be living seperatley but us privatley still working on our relationship.
He has had a lot go on on the last 4 years, his mom died, he now has no family except his dad in Spain and has no friends to go out with, I feel there maybe other issues that he is portraying onto our marriage (not saying we dont have problems also, we do) and that maybe the time apart would give him perspective
Im so confused 😓
It sounds to me that there is still love there, and a willingness from both sides to try to improve things. I wouldn’t put a timeframe on things, concentrate on trying to improve things with a positive mindset that is it possible. The deadline puts a very negative framework on things
He is very confused at the moment, but he is the one pushing the seperation. I think he feels if we werent together he would be happy again but some of his actions say otherwise to me, maybe im overanalysing things and seeing things that arent there. But its not just me that see's it, other people have agreed, maybe they are humouring me, I just dont know.
I dont want to keep pushing as I feel he sees it as me trying to persuade him to stay rather then his decision, that wouldnt work for anyone, he can be very stubborn at times.
He feels he is happy at work but not at home, but the truth is he only has them 2 places to be and I feel he is using work as a coping mechanism (I have done this alot in the past myself, which i have now recognised).
He sees work as another life seperate to home and that he is a different person when there.
Suppose ill just have to see what he says later once DC are in bed. I just didnt want to say / suggest the wrong thing 😓
So we had a chat
Some good, some bad
He didnt miss me whilst I was away and is still concerned he doesnt feel anything
However we have agreed to really try and concentrate on making changes between now and Xmas, then we are going to take the kids away at Xmas and discuss again then
We are going to try and not talk about the problems and just go about making the changes we have discussed in ourselves and each other and both stop over analysing our own and each others actions, so let what naturally comes to us happen over this period. Without feeling guilty / worrying what the other one is thinking etc etc
I discussed with him that I felt he was unhappy generally not just with us and he needed to think about changes he can make for himself as if he is happier in himself (and me also) it should reflect postivelly on our relationship.
Surprisingly we then ended up having he best sex we had had in years, it was like the early days and make up sex. He said he never wanted it to end.
All we can do now is work on it and see, i need to keep positive and just get on with it I suppose.
Any comments / advice would be welcomed.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.