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Ex, son and holiday

(26 Posts)
Holidayhelpneeded1234 Sun 29-Oct-17 12:32:59

ExH wants to take DS(3) on holiday with family next year for 7 nights. DS stays with me 5 or 6 nights a week (although sees exH at some point every day)

I’m concerned about DS being away from me for so long in another country after being used to seeing me every day so have suggested 4 nights as a compromise while he’s still so young. I’ve specifically said this is just due to age and that when he’s older I understand there will be longer holidays.

I’m aware that where children are involved it can be difficult to strip my emotions out of the equation so wanted to hear other people’s views on the situation. Feeling a bit too fragile for AIBU!

BubblesPip Sun 29-Oct-17 12:36:28

Considering your ds sees his dad daily, then I’d say it’d probably be fine

LemonShark Sun 29-Oct-17 12:45:14

He'll be absolutely fine. He's old enough for you to bring it up with him a couple of weeks before the trip, tell him what a great time he'll have and how you can't wait to hear his stories. He sees his dad every day so he's going to be absolutely fine for seven days!

Put it this way: would you worry about taking him away yourself and if he'd cope not seeing his dad? Probably not. You're clearly both very close to him. Maybe for a few weeks beforehand have him stay with dad a little while longer during the week if you're hugely worried.

Unreasonable of you to try reduce it to four days, four versus seven isn't gonna make any difference to a child of three and it just comes across controlling/distrustful. Trust his dad to take good care of him and wave him off with a smile.

Seti Sun 29-Oct-17 12:46:30

YABU, he will be fine.

User462892925 Sun 29-Oct-17 12:56:20

He will be fine. I think you are more worried about how you will feel rather than how he will get on. He is with family.

BewareOfDragons Sun 29-Oct-17 13:14:40

He'll be fine. Don't make this about you. He is entitled to a relationship with his dad and dad's side of the family if that's what dad wants.

luckyDuvet Sun 29-Oct-17 14:11:48

He'll be fine and I think it's a shame you are putting unnecessary restrictions on time away with his dad. I agree with the person above who suggested that maybe this is more about how you feel then your DS.

Fattymcfaterson Sun 29-Oct-17 14:13:28

As long as you would be OK with the same restrictions being placed on any holiday you plan......

moomoo222 Sun 29-Oct-17 14:49:46

I would feel the same as you (I hate being away from my kids) and totally understand why you would want to say that....however, if you trust your ExH you probably should let him and might well be being a bit unreasonable, sorry to say!

Notanumberuser Sun 29-Oct-17 14:54:49

He will be grand. Honest.

justabout2016 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:58:15

Another one saying he’ll be fine! These are your feelings, not your son’s. Hard - so very hard - but try to put his feelings before your own. He’s going on an exciting trip with his dad and his family. He needs you to be on board and waving him off with a smile.

Try and find something nice for yourself that week.

LemonShark Sun 29-Oct-17 16:01:41

"He'll be fine and I think it's a shame you are putting unnecessary restrictions on time away with his dad. I agree with the person above who suggested that maybe this is more about how you feel then your DS."

I am hoping/assuming OP doesn't actually have the power to do that other than a request the dad can either agree to or reject. But even if he does accept a shorter holiday it's not going to be good for the relationship between them or the bond between son and dad.

Hellothereitsme Sun 29-Oct-17 16:02:32

This is your sons father. I've been in the same position and always take the line - would I be happy if child's father did the same to me ie restrict my holiday with my child to 4 days? It will be good for your son and his father and your are projecting your feelings. Sorry this isn't the answer that you want. Being apart from your child is tough but he needs to spend time with his dad.

MozzchopsThirty Sun 29-Oct-17 16:06:13

This sounds like you wanting to be in control
There’s no basis for your 4 day offer
It’s lovely that your ex is so involved and wants to take him on holiday

As long as there’s no ‘other issues’ relating to travel then let him go

LoverOfCake Sun 29-Oct-17 16:10:04

This is about you not him. And as hard as it is, it's likely that he won't be anywhere near as upset as you have imagined he will be without you.

You would be unreasonable to place restrictions on the time he spends with his father.

AuntieStella Sun 29-Oct-17 16:12:41

He'll be fine. He sees his DDad every day and he'll love having the holiday.

Yes, you'll miss him, and the first time will be hard (we'll still be here to offer gin and tissues), but that would be a seriously poor reason to limit him.

HashiAsLarry Sun 29-Oct-17 16:12:42

As this is next year, why don't you get your ex to do a trial run of a few nights beforehand?

Brandnewstart Sun 29-Oct-17 18:40:44

Mine was 7 when he went away with his dad (and brother, OW and her daughter) for 7 days. He was used to seeing his dad nearly everyday.
He still cried on the phone to me as he missed me. I think it was the fact he wasn't just up the road from me. My friend's daughter when this year aged 9 and cried on the phone to her mum. Friend was accused of ruining the holiday for ex although she did nothing wrong apart from answer the phone hmm
What I am saying is you're not being unreasonable in asking to take him for fewer days if you feel he might struggle. If he does take him for longer, I would limit contact myself... out of sight, out of mind works well for my son (but of course yours could be totally different).

BiscuitsBathroom Sun 29-Oct-17 18:42:36

Let him go for the week. It will be a long week for you, but your DS will be well occupied. (I went away for a week when mine was 6 - longest week of my life!)

Some dads wouldn’t even consider taking their DS away for a week. Your ex is a far better dad than some.

0ccamsRazor Sun 29-Oct-17 18:53:08

Why does he not stay with his father over night? It is your ds's right to have a meaningful relationship with his father in his fathers own place.

The starting point is 50/50 but most/usual dc of separated parents have a one night during the week ie Wednesdays and every other weekend from Friday over to Sunday or Monday.

Even breastfed toddlers/pre-schoolers manage fine with this.

BiscuitsBathroom Sun 29-Oct-17 18:57:49

I took the OP to mean he does stay overnight with the dad, 1 or 2 nights.

NachoAddict Sun 29-Oct-17 18:59:21

The first time my ex took DS away age 3 my ds missed me so much he brought him home early through choice.
Last year when he was 4 DS was absolutely fine. They only advice I can give is don't talk on the phone unless necessary. It really doesnt help and makes dc home sick.
It is hard to admit they can cope with out us but on holiday they are having so much fun they don't have chance to struggle.

Backtoblack1 Sun 29-Oct-17 19:39:42

I think 3 is too young to be away from you for a week. My twins are ten and their dad took them away in the summer for a week. They struggled because they missed me (and I missed them). Go with your gut instinct on this x

YellowMakesMeSmile Sun 29-Oct-17 20:24:15

YABVU, he's the father. He trusts you with them so it should work the other way too.

Holidayhelpneeded1234 Sun 29-Oct-17 21:45:05

Thanks for everyone’s responses. As I mentioned in my OP I know it can be difficult to strip away my feelings when making decisions so outside input is appreciated....even if it’s to tell me IABU!

DS doesn’t stay with ExH through the week due to his shift patterns- nothing to do with me placing restrictions on him.

He’s a good Dad and I do trust him....his family less so (due to past behaviour, which rationally I know won’t have an impact on DS during the holiday. For full disclosure exH’s brother was verbally abusive and threatening towards me over the phone in two occasions. I know they were empty threats that he’d never act on so I don’t feel my son would be in danger but it has a lot to do with how I feel about ExH’s family) which is another reason for me being concerned my judgement may be clouded.

To those asking about how I’d feel if the tables were turned, I wasn’t planning/ wouldn’t be taking him away for a week at this age due to him being apart from his Dad for so long. I’ve been away for a weekend once and away for a night with work twice but apart from that our ‘routine’ hasn’t changed. ExH has been on a number of stag dos etc, one of which involved him being away for 5 nights. I’d actually forgotten about this but now I’m thinking about it, DS was ok during his absence....

I like the suggestion of a couple of trial runs to build up the time DS is away from me so it’s less of a shock to the system (for both of us) and I think I should probably start stocking up on gin now.

Hopefully people no longer think I’m trying to stop my ExH from having a meaningful relationship with his son as that’s not the case at all!

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