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Are mil and dh being unfair?

(91 Posts)
Blinkingblimey Sun 29-Oct-17 11:54:54

Just back from a half term holiday in the U.K. on which we took elderly mil with us. To be fair it was a bit of a disaster - not great weather, dh worked almost the entire time which meant I was doing my day job of sorting young kids, getting them out & about and full housekeeper & cook etc (& I made an effort to make really good meals) so it wasn't exactly an all inclusive break! However, we very very rarely go away and I was happy to be somewhere different. Mil is on the frail side so on the whole stayed at home when I took the dc out - though did take on one big day trip & out for a few meals etc. Kids spent some time doing crafty stuff & chatting with her. Once I'd finished cooking, clearing in the evenings I was generally knackered so prob not great company. So, to the point....Dh has returned from dropping mil home and has had a proper go about how unwelcome I made her feel, how little effort I made, how unpleasant I was...I've now ruined Christmas because she doesn't want to come.... if I was that bad (which I don't think I was!) surely he or she might've said something WHILST we were away?! I've offered to call and apologise in order to keep the peace (I always capitulate for the sake of calmer waters) but apparently this isn't good enough. FFS😞...hand hold please.

Santawontbelong Sun 29-Oct-17 11:56:42

Remind him next time he is in charge of entertaining his dm instead of working. ...
Sounds like a nice quiet Christmas it is for you then!!

VeganIan Sun 29-Oct-17 11:56:57

Jeez well perhaps he can go to MIL for Christmas and you can have a break from looking after the both of them?

Did he have any practical suggestion for things you could have done better? DI'd he acknowledge he did bugger all?

endofthelinefinally Sun 29-Oct-17 11:58:41

So what did he do to entertain his mother?

dementedpixie Sun 29-Oct-17 11:59:02

Its his mother not yours! If he wanted her to feel included he should have spent time with her rather than leave it all to you.

tribpot Sun 29-Oct-17 12:00:02

how little effort I made

Relative to what? The staggering amount of effort he put in to this holiday with his own mother? What a fucking cheek! If they think that your skills as a hostess (on what was actually meant to be your own holiday?) aren't up to snuff, you needn't offer them again.

Absolutely do not call and apologise, how could you? What for? For having to look after young children whilst their father (and her son) did sweet FA?

You must be exhausted after this so-called holiday. I'd book a couple of days away just for yourself to recover.

dementedpixie Sun 29-Oct-17 12:00:21

Maybe it's a blessing she's not coming as you'd no doubt be landed with entertaining her then too.

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 29-Oct-17 12:01:30

What a twat.

Anecdoche Sun 29-Oct-17 12:02:24

and what exactly did HE do to entertain his mother?

or do with his children for that matter?
or do to make this in any way a holiday for you?

do not bloody apologise?

he left you to do everything! he has some nerve criticising.

Spadequeen Sun 29-Oct-17 12:02:47

I’d tell him to shove Christmas up his arse. What a selfish twat. Seriously, do not let him get away with this.

NataliaOsipova Sun 29-Oct-17 12:03:16

Yup - the only answer to that is "So what did you do to entertain your mother, then?". In fairness, I bet it's your DH with whom she's actually pissed off and is taking it out on you as she can't bear to have a go at him. She must have noticed that he worked all week and that you were left in charge of everyone else.

Starlight2345 Sun 29-Oct-17 12:06:25

Why was he working most the time ? What effort did he make with kids or his mum ?

rookiemere Sun 29-Oct-17 12:07:42

Tell him not to bother coming on holiday again unless he’s actually prepared to spend time with his DCs and DM.

I’d contact the DM directly and tell her you’re sorry that she didn’t enjoy the holiday but you did the best you could in the circumstances.

expatinscotland Sun 29-Oct-17 12:10:33

Why should you apologise for this pair of twats?

EllaHen Sun 29-Oct-17 12:12:02

You sound like the staff. To him that is.

The fact you can't see that you are massively taken for granted and undervalued is disappointing.

I feel resentful for you.

PNGirl Sun 29-Oct-17 13:07:04

Perhaps if MIL hadn't brought him up to expect that wife=general dogsbody yoh wouldn't have been so knackered. I would RAGE back at him.

Blinkingblimey Sun 29-Oct-17 13:07:48

Thank you - At least I know I'm not completely bonkers. I just know that sadly I'll never win any 'debate' as these days he never ever admits that he might have got anything wrong. I think that may well be the last time I book a family 'holiday' - think I'll try to go away with friends and their kids in future!

Cricrichan Sun 29-Oct-17 13:11:33

What a cock! He should have taken some time off or at least part of the day so that you could have some family time and so that you also had a break. Far easier to sit at his computer than actually make some effort.

Ausparent Sun 29-Oct-17 13:15:34

I know lots of people wont agree with my position but I really believe that as children it is up to us to maintain relationships with our parents and not to fob them off onto our partners.

We live abroad so my DM and MIL both visit for several days at a time. Although neither is frail we are in foreign country and neither of them have their own transport or speak the language so they are quite reliant on us. When my mum is here, she is my responsibility. If my MIl is here, she is my husbands. This doesn't mean that we don't spend time with them but he makes all of his plans to include her and if he can't for some reason he talks to me first without just assuming that I would take responsibility.

You were working all week just like him. Just because your work is different there is no excuse for taking you for granted. It was unfair on you and unfair on your MIL too.

Maybe he should go to her for Christmas.. .

CamperVamp Sun 29-Oct-17 13:16:25

They are being very, very unfair.
What did HE do to make her feel welcome?
A frail elder on a week of activities and outings with bouncy kids needs two pairs of hands IME.

Did he do any of the helping in the evenings? Clearing away, washing pots etc?

I can see that she may have felt bored and excluded, left at the accommodation while you went out and about, but your DH could have done something about that.

LadyLapsang Sun 29-Oct-17 13:29:18

Imagine a woman inviting her frail mother on holiday and then absenting herself in this way, delegating all the care and housekeeping to her partner. Wifework. Why couldn't he organise himself so he was free to work with you to make the week a success?

Aquamarine1029 Sun 29-Oct-17 13:44:52

What exactly were you supposed to have done to please Her Majesty?

Blinkingblimey Sun 29-Oct-17 13:46:46

Apparently I didn't make enough conversation. Now getting the silent treatment in retribution, all so bloody childish.

Floralnomad Sun 29-Oct-17 13:47:30

Just tell him in future you and the children will holiday alone and he can do whatever he wants with his ungrateful mother , sounds like it was harder work being away than it would have been at home with no MIL .

wobblywonderwoman Sun 29-Oct-17 13:49:57

Can you move out for s few days ? I would

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