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Struggling to keep positive

(21 Posts)
Positivethoughtsneeded Sun 29-Oct-17 09:29:28

Ex is divorcing me for UB despite him having had an affair. I feel so lonely and really struggle to cling onto the positives. All I see is that I’m 35, soon to be divorced, no children. We were ttc when I found out about affair. My few friends are nice but all have families. No one in a similar position, no one understands my feelings. I’ve just arranged Christmas with my parents, which will be nice, but depressing at the same time as it’s that or being on my own. I am dreading the dark winter, I used to love Christmas but all the emphasis on family and couples is now just highlighting my lonliness. I bought some lovely decorations last year with now ex, started traditions. It’s all gone now and I don’t see the point in putting up decorations in a house with just me in. I am a real family person and always wanted my own. I can’t see it happen for me now. I don’t see much when I try to look into the future. I’m sitting here crying not knowing how to pick myself up. I feel so pathetic. I don’t even now why I’m posting.

Poshindevon Sun 29-Oct-17 12:02:21

Cut yourself some slack. You are grieving. We hear that when a loved one dies there are stages of grief, well there is often grief when people divorce.its the death of love, of hopes, dreams and everything else you expected from your marriage.
The reasons for the divorce do not show on the final decree absolute so dont set too much store this. Your husband wants out leaving you to suffer the grief over your lost relationship.
There are 5 stages of divorce grief that each person will go through differently. The ultimate goal is acceptance.
You sound as if your in the depression stage. Its OK to cry and to be sad. Talk about it, ask for help or even a hug. If its' really bad see your GP who could offer counselling or medication.
Life will get better I promise.

Positivethoughtsneeded Sun 29-Oct-17 12:55:45

Thank you, posh. I know I’m grieving but it’s so hard to see beyond my current state now.

Cricrichan Sun 29-Oct-17 13:26:43

Sorry about your marriage but you still have time for a family. I've had 3 kids after that age. All the best op.

AdjustingTheSails Sun 29-Oct-17 15:18:13

It’s so hard isn’t it? I’m in a similar situation but a little oder than you. It does get better with time. You are still worth nice things though so don’t you dare not decorate your place or do stuff you enjoy! It’s more important than ever now. I have lists with things I enjoy (e.g. crochet, nice hot shower, face mask, swimming, pottering in the garden, texting a friend) and when I’m at a loss or feel I my mood dropping I just choose one and do it for a bit. I also force myself to get out if the house for a 20 minute walk in the evening which really helps.

I too feel very lonely at times. For me Netflix and books are good to emerge myself in a different world. I also try to connect with people as much as possible and have started to look beyond people in my own age group. I have made friends with a lovely neighbour who is older but really enjoys a good matter over a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

I am scared too about not having my own family and have started counselling as I’m 39 now and it’s very unlikely for me. I’ve only had two sessions so far but I can already see how it could help each long term.

Hang in there - you will make it flowers

emmhul1982 Sun 29-Oct-17 15:27:18


Me and my current hubby are discussing a divorce currently, he says he no longer is in love with me

We have 2 DC a DD almost 2 and a DS who is 6. I am also 35 and have been with my hubby 12.5 years

Fully understand how you are feeling, all I seem to do is cry or pretend to be happy around other people. I have to believe it will get better whatever the outcome

Sending you hugs

Em xxx

Worriedrose Sun 29-Oct-17 15:45:21

Similar. Trying to learn to be happy on my own. But it's fucking hard. I feel for you.
Not a lot of words of wisdom. But I have to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

TammyswansonTwo Sun 29-Oct-17 18:16:05

You have plenty of time for babies - I come across women in my work all the time who have babies before and after 40. I'm 35 and my twins are a year old and currently figuring out if we are done or not. There's still time. Better you do this now than battle on for several more years when time really will be short.

Don't rush into anything - after the divorce. Take time to heal and grieve. When you do start to date, make it clear from the off that you do want kids within the next few years, so you're not wasting time with men who don't want that. Nothing wrong with being upfront.

Don't panic about this right now - focus on getting past what has happened. Not all men are like this and you deserve someone who would never treat you that way.

Longandwingingroad Sun 29-Oct-17 18:17:46

Hi, just wanted to let you know that there are a few of us in the same situation. I was married for 9 years after been with my husband for 16 years. We were thinking of starting a family after following our careers, and he left me last year at the age of 37. I know how you feel, but it does get easier, (not helped that he left me for a much younger woman). Your certainly not pathetic, it is grief your feeling for the loss of the relationship and the future you had imagined. A year down the line and I am feeling stronger, no where near for a relationship, but concentrating on myself and my wants. I found mumsnet a great source of support and made me realise that he is actually trotting a well worn script and just because he may be rewriting the marriage doesn't mean its true.

Positivethoughtsneeded Sun 29-Oct-17 19:32:49

Thank you so much for your words, tips and stories. This really means a lot.

Worriedrose Tue 31-Oct-17 19:03:48

How are you doing op?

Positivethoughtsneeded Wed 01-Nov-17 12:45:00

I’m doing ok. Thank you, worried. Really struggling with negative thinking though and blaming myself. I keep thinking it’s my personal failure. I’ve found a counsellor and having my first session tomorrow.

How are you.

Worriedrose Wed 01-Nov-17 13:04:37

Glad youre seeing a counsellor that's a great first step.
I've been going for a year and it's really helping. Trying not to let all the negative thoughts overtake my life!
You're not to blame. It's just a shit situation
Takes time to get over big traumas in my life. I'm just scared it will define my life

Positivethoughtsneeded Wed 01-Nov-17 14:09:49

Glad the counselling is helping. I’m looking forward to creating a space where I can talk things through without being judged. There is stuff I don’t tell my friends.

Yes, I’m worried too that it will define my life. I’m constantly wondering whether I’ll ever be in a stable relationship again or what my life will look like if I won’t. It really scares me.

username7979 Wed 01-Nov-17 14:58:20

It is bound to be painful. there is no much else you can do than ride with it. Just make sure you look after yourself and include a lot of little things that make you feel good. Sometimes it is easy to overlook the positive when we are down. You will little by little feel better. flowers

pudding21 Wed 01-Nov-17 15:13:14

OP: I left my ex, so not quite the same and we had kids, but I loved him, he was a utter shitbag and the grief has been very painful. I have days where i feel utterly hopeless and then other days where I feel like I am winning.

Be kind to yourself, have some fun, don't put any pressure to find someone. A good friend of mine was going through a horrendous divorce and had 3 children. She met a guy who had had a vasectomy and they fell madly in love. At 44 they decided to try for their own children and he had his vasectomy reversed, and they had IVF. She now has 6 year old twins.

Life throws curevballs at us, but its very common for women to have children nowadays in their early 40s. Focus on loving yourself, and enjoying life in the parts where you can.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Nov-17 15:22:19

It's not too late to start a family.
But you need to be kind to yourself and grieve first.
Let it all out.
Cry when you want to.
I'm glad you are having counselling.

It's a horrible time.
And there's not much we can say to make it any better right now.
But it will get better.
We are here to tell you just that.
We all made it out the other side.

Don't rush anything.
Join some clubs.
Have a look at
Keep busy.

Trying2bgd Wed 01-Nov-17 15:24:49

flowers For you OP and all those who are going through it

This happened to a very close friend of mine, it was heartbreaking and she really struggled but with time things have improved a huge amount. She is still sad about the loss of the life she could have had but mostly looks forward and forged a new life for herself including a new home, plans for adoption, new hobbies etc. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Positivethoughtsneeded Fri 03-Nov-17 07:11:26

Thank you. I know there’s not a lot people can say, and I logically know that things will improve and that people have gone through much worse but it feels like a big mountain to climb at the moment. Your words are encouraging though.

I had a positive first counselling session. I will find it difficult to talk about things but i am confident it will help.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Nov-17 10:51:26

I'm pleased the counselling went well.
It is a big mountain to climb.
No-one will tell you any different.
It takes time, lots of time and love and support from family and friends.
Are you managing to eat?

Positivethoughtsneeded Fri 03-Nov-17 11:43:07

Yes I’m eating again. I had about three weeks were I didn’t eat properly at all, and all I could stomach was plain toast with butter. Food is a tricky thing for me anyway and I tend to overeat/use food as comfort so will have to be careful.

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