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NC with my Mum (possible trigger)

(10 Posts)
Lucyccfc Sun 29-Oct-17 08:40:51

Could be a long one - sorry.

Background - was abused as a child by my brother and it all came out and the rest of the family found out about 8 years ago. None of the very supportive, they buried their heads in the sand and didn't say much. It also came out that he abused his daughter too.

My Mum had mental health problems, but always seemed more concerned about my brother and what a hard time he was having. She used to make goady comments to me about him. If my DS wasn't with me, I would just remind her, that he abused children.

Over the years, I have backed off from having a relationship with her to the point of being NC. My DS still see's her and his Grandad, as they live about 20 houses away from us. He used to go there after school whilst I worked. They used to drop DS like a tonne of bricks when my brother came home from abroad for a week and have him staying at their house. I didn't want DS to be in the same house as him, so would have to make alternative arranged. In the end, I just changed to having a child minder. I just got abuse from my Mum, as she said I was stopping her seeing DS.

My Mum doesn't look after herself (and my Dad is her enabler). This has culminated in her having a leg amputated.

Anyway, fast forward and on Friday she phoned me. I was a bit gob-smacked , as this is the first time in years. She said that she missed talking to me and told me all about her problems with her legs. I had guests at the time, so listened for 10 minutes and then said I had to go and I'd phone her Sunday.

Now I'm not sure what to do?

I'm an outspoken bugger and I can't pretend she hasn't treated me and DS badly and I'm not sure I can forgive her putting the needs of a child abuser first. We can keep things polite for a short time, but then she'll say something goady and I'm off telling her what a shite Mum she's been and her son is a nonce. Then I leave.

Do I phone or not? Stupidly, I still love her. (My sisters think I am disgraceful, as they say I don't support her, as she's ill)

Joysmum Sun 29-Oct-17 08:45:32

I think you need to be realistic here.

What would you feel if her attitude is the same as it always has been? Would you want to continue with the relationship and would you be able to cope with the disappointment?

Make your decisions on what’s best for you and protecting your children?

Do you have a partner? If so have you talked it over with them?

Lucyccfc Sun 29-Oct-17 08:59:50

Thanks Joysmum

I am pretty sure the cycle would continue and I'd be left disappointed yet again. I suppose I just had a glimmer of hope after she phoned me on Friday.

I don't have a partner, but my Ex-H (despite being a dick at times) has always been on my side and will jump in and help if anything comes up relating to my brother.

Thanks for your response x

something2say Sun 29-Oct-17 09:04:08

Yes I think it remains at stalemate. The wrong is on their part and since there is no indication of real change from them, there will just be more wrong.

I wouldn't phone to be honest. I went no contact years ago and they still try but I don't engage as it always just goes the same way.

Joysmum Sun 29-Oct-17 09:05:03

Hey no problem. It’s so easy to get caught up in what we hope will be an outcome when actually it’s very likely nothing changes. That’s fine if you can cope and your children aren’t going to affected as you could go low contact rather than low contact. That would leave you more open to emotional manipulation, as well as your kids.

I should just add that I’m pro no contact given my experience. I wouldn’t want to sway you in the wrong direction through my bias.

Lucyccfc Sun 29-Oct-17 09:36:50

Thanks Something2say.

Joysmum - you did what I should have done (as a flipping qualified coach) and you asked me questions to get me to think it through. I know deep down that nothing will change - it's just a sad situation.

Onwards and upwards, as they say x

JennyWoodentop Sun 29-Oct-17 14:28:58

She missed talking to you and told you about her problems.......... did she at any point ask how you are or show any interest in your life?

Cricrichan Sun 29-Oct-17 15:03:56

Do you know if your brother was abused himself? I would never have left my child with your mum op. She didn't protect you so how could you trust her with your child? Sorry, I know it's done now, but I think you and your child are best away from them all.

Joysmum Sun 29-Oct-17 17:00:13

I’m glad I could help. I find all too often that we express opinions when really what’s needed is to ask questions and let others come their own conclusions.

Whatever happens, all the best for your future and never compromise on something this important if it’s not in the best interests of you and your kids. flowers

Lucyccfc Sun 29-Oct-17 20:08:19

Jenny - no she didn't ask about me.

Cricrichan - my brother wasn't abused. When it all came out, I asked him why and he said he didn't know why he did it. He lives abroad and comes home every couple of years. My DS doesn't go to my Mums house when he is home.

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