Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

found messages on phone

7 replies

cantsleepworrying · 29/10/2017 00:17

As my name suggests I can't sleep. My DH is trying to give up drink and has stopped for the last week. We haven't been getting on for the past month or so but I thought in the last week that things were improving. I found a message on his phone, yes I know I shouldn't have been looking, messaging another women and saying how he missed her. They had met up last week and been texting for a week. Up to this point I trusted him. He's been very low and depressed for a while. The reason I haven't challenged him already is he's very up and down with stopping drinking. But I have to say something as it's eating me up. I feel like shouting at him, but I know this won't help. I think our marriage is over, but how can he become so involved with someone within a week. He's been extremely nice to me. For once we are being gentle with each other, after an acrimonious month of anger on my part due to his drinking. We have kids. I know I have to let him know that I know. I'm scared that he will leave me, as this budding relationship is a lot more exciting than what we have been going through and worse he'll start drinking again.

OP posts:

Report

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2017 00:20

What did the messages actually say? Has he actually been unfaithful yet?

Report

cantsleepworrying · 29/10/2017 00:31

Yes, from the messages it sounds like he met up to sleep with her, then he's been texting with kisses and how much he'd like to see her again. Before a week ago there are no messages. He's never done this before. It's all so sudden.

OP posts:

Report

rainbowduck · 29/10/2017 01:10

Do you know the OW? Hugs

Report

BitOfFun · 29/10/2017 01:13

So he's a cheating drunk? You'll be better off without him. Get your ducks in a row, leave, do your grieving, and then look forward to a much happier and more settled life.

I know it's easy for me to say, and that you are really hurting, but honestly, it's true. You will get through this.

Report

yorkshireyummymummy · 29/10/2017 01:25

If you still have access to his phone I personally would get the messages up and take pictures of them and get the potential OW phone number.
Are there any other signs? Has his behaviour changed? Difficult for you to answer I expect as his behaviour will have been different since he stopped drinking.
From my perspective you have two options

You wait till you are both calm and then confront him (without shouting) very calmly, calm will unnerve him. See what he says and decide what you want to do.
Phone the number of the possible OW. Pretend you and hubby have had a conversation about her and their involvement and see if she lands the two of them in it. Then speak to hubby.

Either way, you have to be prepared for the end of your marriage. He might leave you, you might tell him to go, you could decide mutually that it's over. But DONT be scared of him leaving you. He hardly sounds like the catch of the day never mind man of your dreams. If he is willing to give up his wife, the mother of his offspring who has supported him during his drinking then he is an utter shit who does not deserve your love and loyalty.
But I would not advise doing nothing as this will eat away at you.
Don't be scared- this is life and you have to face it. You have to find out if this man is worthy of your love. Good luck.

Report

ChickenMom · 29/10/2017 02:36

is the drinking a recent thing? I wonder if he's drinking to escape what he's done? You'll have to say something as the messages sound like he's planning to do it again :( it sucks. Sorry :( tackle him now if you haven't already and make him leave.

Report

cantsleepworrying · 29/10/2017 06:07

Thank you for replying.We've been together over 26 years. The drinking is recent in the last year or so.
I was happy he was realising he has a problem and trying to stop and going to AA. We had a long honest chat and we both realised things couldn't carry on the way it was, the marriage was in crisis, I thought because of his drinking. I don't mean to drip feed, but he tried to end it a few months back and is very up and down and still having suicidal thoughts.
I need to talk to him, but he will admit only to what I know. He has no where to go and in his vulnerable state of mind, I don't know what to do. I suspect it's unrealistic he will go to her. But maybe this is the realisation for him that he wants the relationship to end because why would he do this. What a sad way for our marriage to end.
I won't phone the OW, but I'll talk to him calmly.