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How to leave when pregnant

(24 Posts)
Notveryhappy1111 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:07:06

Married 3.5 years, together 7 years. I have 1 older ds and now I'm pregnant.

H has some serious anger management issues, we went to counselling in Jan and he did anger management course, things got better, then I got pregnant. We were so happy.

Tonight he's flown off the handle again, first time in months but I promised myself the myself the next time would be the last. I have to leave him.

How do I do this practically? I only work part time so am not financially independant.

I don't want to upheave ds as hes happy and settled and starting gcses. I think I should leave him here if H agrees. He's always been great with him so I don't worry about his anger issues in that respect. They are only directed at me. I would look to rent 1 bed flat nearby and see him often. The baby might have to come and live with them too as I don't see any way I can financially support and I haven't the strength to fight H over custody.

I'm feeling very detached from everything at the moment and not sure if I'm thinking clearly it not. Just need some practical advice if anyone has any?

Cricrichan Sat 28-Oct-17 22:11:13

Hi lovely

Speak to a solicitor and to the welfare office to see what you'll be entitled to. You'll get benefits as well as maintenance from your husband so don't have to give up your children! Don't do anything or go anywhere until you've got a plan.

GruffaloPants Sat 28-Oct-17 22:11:16

Don't rush into anything regarding children. Speak to womens aid for practical support.

LivininaBox Sat 28-Oct-17 22:13:41

You don't say whether there is physical violence involved - if there is, get yourself and your DS to a safe place. If not, then why would you leave, can you stay in the house? Do you jointly own the house, or if you rent, whose name is it in? You sound very defeated. Please don't leave your DS behind. Get some advice on what you are entitled to, people do manage as single parents and you should be entitled to benefits.

Changerofname987654321 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:13:52

Speak to your midwife and ring women’s aid. I am sure someone more knowledgable will be along soon but unless you want to you don’t need to hand your baby over to your husband.

When you say fly off the handle, what do you mean? Are you safe tonight?

Bekabeech Sat 28-Oct-17 22:18:23

Be very careful before leaving your son, it is highly likely that he will feel rejected by you.
Get proper legal advice - Women’s aid is a good starting place.

Notveryhappy1111 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:42:04

He's not physically abused me. But I think he will one day if I stay. He bangs around and throws things, he shouts at me calls me names, says the most horrible things. He blocks me in a room, shuts the door stands in front of it and won't let me out because he wants me to listen to him. He makes me question my sanity, says I'm crazy, that I'm passive aggressive that I'm making him behave in this way. I know this is abusive behaviour and I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's hard because he's not like this all the time and he's so loving the rest of the time.

He has calmed down now so I am safe, I thought about going to my mums tonight but I dont want to leave until I have a full plan in place. We jointly own house but H pays mortgage and constantly reminds me of that. If I leave I will let him have everything. That means car as well, as he pays for that too. I know he would want to fight me over everything and I don't want that. I just want peace.

I do feel defeated, I feel worn down. I think I've failed ds and baby. Ds is so happy here and he gets on great with H despite what I have described H treating me he is nothing like that with ds. I am trying to weigh up what would be more disruptive and upsetting for him, leave his home to stay in a strange flat with or me leave and see him often, so he keeps some sence of normality. I think I should ask him as he's old enough to decide. But that would make it all very real and again I would rather have a plan in place before telling ds.

I have a midwife appointment on Wednesday so could ask her for advice. Don't really want to talk to anyone about it though because it makes it too real. But I can't continue like this an have to accept reality that it is not going to work between us.

honeylulu Sat 28-Oct-17 22:50:51

If he has anger management issues don't leave your children with him.
You may have less income because you are pt but as you're married everything should be split equally (some caveats to this) and you're likely to be considered the primary parent who has residence of the children - you may well be awarded the house until they have finished full time education.
Why do you think you have to go and rent a bedsit in your own? Is it because you are scared of his anger if you want HIM to leave?

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 28-Oct-17 22:56:36

House and car are assets of your marriage it doesn't matter who pays for them! You're entitled to your share (50:50 usually) and you'll need that for the baby and your son.

It sounds like he's affecting your mental health and you do sound depressed aontalk to your midwife about it. You will need strength to leave but you know it is the right thing to do and you will get there. You will be entitled to maintenance and benefits so you will be able to manage financially.

Notveryhappy1111 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:07:03

He's told me that he will put house up for sale immediately if I want to separate. I said he could keep it thinking I would rather ds keeps his home.

Because H pays for mortgage he thinks that he has more right to the house and everything else, he would make it a huge battle and I'm not strong enough to fight.

I wouldn't be able to take on mortgage myself and I don't know enough about what I would be entitled to as in maintenance etc. I also thought as I'm the one who wants to end it I should be the one to go? If I asked H to leave he would not take it well at all, even if I could afford mortage by myself he wouldn't go quietly.

I will speak to women's aid on Monday when H is at work. Just need to get through tomorrow with out him blowing up again.

Cricrichan Sat 28-Oct-17 23:35:40

Seriously speak to a professional. And I can guarantee that your son isn't happy. He will be able to sense or hear or indeed see the way he treats you. He will suffer for it in the end. Take him with you for his sake as well as the baby. Be open and honest with woman's aid about everything and they'll be able to advise.

Cricrichan Sat 28-Oct-17 23:38:16

Also ignore everything your h is saying. It's bullshit. The fact he pays for the mortgage means nothing. You're married, jointly own it etc.

If he blows up or locks you up or anything then phone the police. You're scared of him.

Cricrichan Sat 28-Oct-17 23:40:10

And you're being amazingly brave op. It's not easy and I know how vulnerable you feel when you're Pg. But carry on for the sake of your kids as well as you.

JaneEyre70 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:45:08

Can you distract him with an errand tomorrow so you can grab your immediate stuff and get to your mums with your ds and his school stuff? You made a promise to yourself that you have to keep. Money worries are the least of the problem, getting to safety away from your H is the only thing you need to focus on. Then when you're safe, worry about the money. Take it step by step.

MiniAlphaBravo Sun 29-Oct-17 10:28:25

He can't sell the house without your agreement. Not a chance. Definitely speak to women's aid, he is feeding you crap and you're believing him because you're down and been in this horrible relationship. You will be fine financially. Dont give in to him. You'll have people on your side who will help you.

Fuckit2017 Sun 29-Oct-17 10:44:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crimsonlake Sun 29-Oct-17 11:19:14

If the house is in joint names he cannot unilaterally put the house up for sale without your consent so do not worry about that despite the threats. You need to seek legal advise before making any rash decisions about leaving. Ring up some local solicitors who specialise in divorce and try and find one who does a free initial half hour. Compile a list of questions so you can make the most of your time.Splitting assets 50/50 is a starting point, you may well be entitled to more, do not listen to any of his threats regarding what he thinks you are entitled to. Try to stay strong and think about ensuring you and the children have enough to live on going forward.

CrazyHairSister Sun 29-Oct-17 11:26:29

Another one saying to get some proper professional advice.

House and car are joint assets - it doesn't matter that his wages have "paid' for it, you have contributed in other ways.

When XH and I split, I had not been working for several years and had only just started a part time job and was on a low income. I claimed tax credits and child benefit, and whilst not rolling in it, this combined with my wages and maintenance was enough to keep us going.

There is usually a larger proportion of the assets given to the resident parent when it comes to dividing the assets - friends have had figures ranging from 60% to 75%, so you might be surprised how much you will leave the marriage with, but you need professional advice.

If you leave your son behind he will feel rejected and you may ruin your relationship with him for the rest of your lives.

Your H cannot sell the house without your consent, he is bullshitting.

SometimesMaybe Sun 29-Oct-17 14:28:03

Do not leave your son with this man. When you leave he will turn his attention and anger to your son.
Speak to woman’s aid and a solicitor before you do anything. It doesnt matter who pays the mortgage, you are married therefore it is jointly owned.

Notveryhappy1111 Mon 30-Oct-17 09:30:44

Still feeling quite numb here and not at all sure what to do. My resolve to leave is draining away as it's such a scary idea. I'm wondering if I should stay till I've had baby and see how things go.

This angry outburst was the first one for a good 6 months so maybe I am to quick to say it's over because of one slip up after he completed anger management course? Perhaps I should expect him to mess up occasionally? Or at least once or twice?

H is full of remorse and does not want me to leave, keeps saying he wants to try again. That he loves me, is completely in love with me and that I, the baby and ds are the most important things in his life.

However he did also put some pressure on me to decide what I want to do by saying he is not tip toeing around me for days, I need to have decided by Wednesday at the latest. Something about that being the day the house is remortgaged. He also keeps asking me do I really think my life will be better with out him in it. I can't just decide what to do like that and I can't switch my feelings off which are all over the place at the moment. He asked me do I still love him and I couldn't answer.

I feel so hurt and let down by him. I don't trust him that he won't behave in that way again or that he is honest about what he thinks or feels. This is because when he is angry he brings up many issues he has with me that I didn't even know we're issues because he had never said at the time.

I still cant get over some of the disgusting things he said to me. Personal stuff that I had entrusted him with that he the uses as a weapon when angry. I will give you the worst example of that from this weekend he said "I'm not surprised your dad knocked you about when you are a kid because you're a fucking c**t." I'm floored by this, it's not the first time he's said horrible things like that but this one has hurt the most. He couldn't even remember saying it when I told him yesterday and he actually laughed when I told him and said words are just words. He was very apologetic later on about it but I don't care for his apologies anymore.

I will call someone today for advice on what to do. I'm very torn, just wish it hadnt happened things were going so well, we were so happy and planning excitedly for babies arrival and now my whole world feels like it's been turned upside down. I would just like to turn clock back and start Saturday over again and for this not to have happened and to carry on happily together.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 30-Oct-17 12:25:30

Ask him why he is remortgaging the house?
Seems an odd thing to say and the deadline being so close to you wanting to leave....
He's learnt nothing at all.
He's pressuring you instead of leaving you time to think things through.
If he keeps pressuring you tell him not to remortgage and to get the house on the market as you will need some equity so set up on your own.
He's an abuser is more than just anger management ways.
Please don't just leave.
You are entitled to 50% of everything.
0808 2000 247 - have a chat with them.
Call your HV and have a chat with her about it all.
Call Citizens Advice and find out what you would be entitled to if you separated.
You'll be surprised.
Child support, maintenance, working tax credits, housing benefits.
Look into it and understand, then you can make an informed decision

milar Mon 30-Oct-17 13:14:01

I left a DV relationship when I was 3 months pregnant. It was definitely easier to do it at that stage (rather than wait until the baby was born) as a lot of things would have been a lot harder with a young baby, breastfeeding etc. Even the basic practicalities of packing/carrying things, attending appointments etc will be harder with a young baby. So I think if you're going to leave, the earlier the better. I think your DS needs to come with you, or at least have the option to. It's not ideal to have upheaval in the GCSE years but plenty of teens have to go through much worse.

My financial situation was different as there was no mortgaged home and I just left our rented flat and found a new one. I wasn't married and we had no savings. Financially I found the benefits I got were reasonable to manage, not loads but fine for paying the essential bills, and you can stay on them without jobseeking requirements for the first few years to give you time to recover. You'll be in a better position than I was, with equity in your home and the right to stay. I got priority for a council house as I was a victim of DV and homeless and pregnant.

Notveryhappy1111 Mon 30-Oct-17 14:01:25

I can definitely understand how it would be easier to leave at 3 months but I'm 33 weeks pregnant and time is not on my side. I don't think I'd be able to sort out somewhere to live in time and if I was to exercise my right to stay here theres no way he would leave till after baby arrives, if he agreed to at all, which I know he wouldn't.

So I think I need to take a bit more time before making a rash decision just on a practical basis. If I thought I was under threat of immediate physical violence then I would absolutely be out of the door imidiately and not look back. I'm not under that threat and so now I'm calming down my initial knee jerk reaction to leave straight away is possibly not the best action to take.

I could stay here and not be bullied out, that means my ds keeps his home and stays with me. I didn't see any of this as an option at first but have been taking into account what everyone has said.

Re the remortgage I do think it is a bit of a pressure tatic as in saying I need to give him a decision if I want to separate by Wed. But it's not something H has made up because I was aware this was happening before this incident on the weekend. Mortgage was up for renewal and H was changing provider so he could release some equity to pay off some depts we've accumulated. Although I'm not aware of the actual figures I was aware this was happening.

Deep down I still want to believe we can have that happy family unit. Does anyone think I'm expecting too much of H as this was the 1st incident in over 6 months following his anger management course. Would anyone else think to give another chance? Does anyone think I could get over the hurt he's caused me and the resentment and distrust I'm feeling towards him over time?

I'm confused about what is acceptable expectations, what's reasonable and when is enough enough. I'm really questioning if I'm being too hard on him?

JaneEyre70 Mon 30-Oct-17 15:20:33

Turn this round, and imagine that you are sitting down talking to a daughter whose DH was exactly like yours. She'd promised you that the next time he flips she would leave. What would you be telling her? Is it to stay, not make a fuss and put up with it because she's not worth any better? The hell you would. Pack your bags, get what you need and get out of there. Today. You have to listen to your inner voice, and it will be near on impossible when your baby is here.

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