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I need out of this mess

(12 Posts)
kangamam Sat 28-Oct-17 20:46:00

I'm not good enough for my boyfriends standards. Everything I do, say, think, feel is wrong. There is an argument every day. He ends the relationship every day but then changes his mind.

I can't end it though or let it end. I've tried and i missed him and I cried and I couldn't cope. I don't think I will cope without him. If I write everything down I will build myself up to end it but then the good guy in him emerges in my mind and I think I've done the worst thing in the world. Im scared he will meet someone who is good enough for his standards and it will become apparent just how crap I really was.

He's ending it again now. I don't want to beg him not to. I just want to explode and let it all out and talk but I'm home alone and I can't speak to anyone anyway because I did when I left last time and they all told me so and I argued and argued for him.

This is such a mess and I can't win whatever I do. I feel majorly pathetic and stupid even writing this but hopefully someone will talk me down and stop me trying to continue arguing with him.

HashtagTired Sat 28-Oct-17 20:51:17

You need to leave him and go cold turkey. It’s not sustainable nor healthy to be in a relationship like that. The longer you are with him, the longer the wait until you find someone special.

garmsfresh Sat 28-Oct-17 20:54:34

All sounds very draining and not nice at all hardly a relationship and he’s clearly hasn’t got feelings for you if he does this all the time! Leave find someone who makes you happy.

Shayelle Sat 28-Oct-17 21:06:10

He sounds like a fucking loser. You coped fine before you met him - you need to sack him off, pronto! Hes a knob!!

Queenofthedrivensnow Sat 28-Oct-17 21:16:52

Sounds vile. End it x

WhatWouldGenghisDo Sat 28-Oct-17 21:17:45

You're desperate for his approval because you're not getting it iyswim. Him not approving of you is hurtful and so you need his approval to make you feel better. It's a vicious cycle like smoking (the nicotine withdrawal is what makes people crave just one more fag). But if he wasn't there to make you feel crap, you wouldn't need him in the first place.

Give him up. It'll be hard but once you're out the other side you'll be absolutely fine. And he'll be doing to his new girlfriend exactly what he's doing to you.

kangamam Sat 28-Oct-17 21:29:41

Don't get me wrong, I get his approval in other ways. He's always full of love and compliments and how amazing I am etc.

But he says I'm a flirt, I look at men, I have male friends, I have a history, I'm too nice about people and therefore am naive. Even little things I do with my appearance make me a different type of person. I'm always defending the type of person I am.

Giraffey1 Sat 28-Oct-17 21:36:02

But a relationship isn’t built on whether one partner gets the other’s approval. It’s built on mutual respect and trust, on caring for one another and putting them first. It doesn’t sound to me like any of this is the case as far as your BF is concerned. Having some space away from him would be really good for you as it will help you realise that you are better off without him, that you can not only survive but thrive.

Do you have family or friends you can turn to for support?

WhatWouldGenghisDo Sat 28-Oct-17 22:47:52

The bottom line is, you are good enough. You're a human being, not some kind of test score. If he doesn't love and accept the person you are, then you won't feel ok about yourself for as long as you're spending time around him and accepting his judgements of you.

RidingWindhorses Sat 28-Oct-17 23:38:22

But he says I'm a flirt, I look at men, I have male friends, I have a history, I'm too nice about people and therefore am naive. Even little things I do with my appearance make me a different type of person. I'm always defending the type of person I am.

He's a misogynist arsehole with major problems with women.

He doesn't have "high standards" he just uses criticism as a stick to beat you with and keep you under control.

SendintheArdwolves Sun 29-Oct-17 07:23:52

His 'standards' are a bunch of bullshit - he does it on purpose to make you feel like you aren't good enough. He pretends that if you could just change yourself enough, then magically he would be nice to you all the time and everything would be fine.

But in reality, he DOESN'T WANT to be nice to you - he wants you in a constant state of policing your own behaviour and always putting his wants above your own.

Stop thinking that you and he want the same thing - you don't. YOU want a loving, mutually respectful relationship where both parties and kind to each other. HE wants to be allowed to behave however he wants whenever he wants it and for you to run around after him and have no needs of your own.

Him ending it is another control tactic - it's designed to make you beg and promise to be different and accept that you are the problem and swear to try harder if he'll only give the r.ship another chance.

Don't. Agree with him that it's over and get the hell out flowers

SonicBoomBoom Sun 29-Oct-17 07:29:39

You break up every day?

That is torture. Not a relationship.

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