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Got in contact with mother after NC 8 years

(48 Posts)
Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 19:58:11

I've name changed

I reported her missing to the police on Wednesday after going NC 13 years ago. I spoke to her briefly on the phone 6 years ago. I went NC because she was incredibly toxic and angry. When I spoke to her briefly on the phone she sounded like a complete stranger.

She has had really bad mental health problems since she was a child after being in the care system and horrifically sexually abused. She never knew what a healthy relationship was.

I contacted the police after I asked around her family and no one had heard of her in years and that she had dissapeard of the face of the earth. She had tried to commit suiside a few times and I couldn't stop thinking maybe she wasn't even alive anymore

Police found her within 20 mins and got her to text me (well her neighbour did)

She just sounded so bloody normal and greatful I went up to see her today.

I was taken back when I seen her, she is only in her mid fifties but looks a lot older, has teeth missing. She was always a very attractive lady who took care of herself. Life had certainly kicked the fuck out of her.

She had a nice little flat and is on medication that seems to be agreeing with her. She speaks to an elderly lady next door and that's it. Five years she has lived like that.

She was over the moon at my kids as I took them and was happy but I could see she was absolutely fractured. I think really bad stuff has happened to her in recent years too.

On the way drive home I had a bit cry because she has clearly been really poorly and life hasn't been kind to her.

I feel protective over her just of that visit but also feel really apprehensive about having her back in my life. I don't know if it's too much for me to handle with my perfect little life, house, bloke and kids.

I've invited her to xmas lunch

She was very nervous when we met but she could have contacted me at any point she wanted. How can some one live like that? No contact with anyone?

Just finding it hard to process that this bolshy, aggressive, woman is now just broken old lady. She looks damaged sad

Any advice ?

wine

jeaux90 Sat 28-Oct-17 20:07:04

Don't make any rash decisions at the moment. This is all too fresh.

I have been nc with my daughters father for 6 years and being back in contact with him would not be about me, it would be about my daughter and the potential impact on her.

You need to protect them and you. Take it slow x

RiotAndAlarum Sat 28-Oct-17 20:07:26

Take it slowly. No need to go talking about Christmas. The timing is bad for that (anyone would expect to discuss that at this time of year), but see how it goes. You don't know her anymore!

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Sat 28-Oct-17 20:15:06

You went nc for a reason and that reason will still be there even if your mother is now looking old.

Take things slowly and think about your family.

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 20:18:51

People can change ?

I did

Shayelle Sat 28-Oct-17 20:42:21

She’ll still be angry. Sorry. Be so careful flowers

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sat 28-Oct-17 20:44:56

Be wary. You went NC for a reason. Do you believe that reason to have gone or changed?

Shayelle Sat 28-Oct-17 20:53:29

Fwiw i got in touch with my mother this summer after years of NC. Id forgotton how she could make me feel. She’s still sadly filled with as much bad feeling towards me and the world in general as ever which became more and more apparent so I went NC again a week ago. Its so hard and upsetting.

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 20:54:10

Last time I spoke to her she was fucking crazy, I put the phone down and thought 'wow who the fuck what that'

Today she just exuded greatfullness, happiness, vulnerability, loneliness all in one. She never tried to make me feel sorry for her.

I just feel what if it was that mental health or her extremely bad childhood wired her up wrong that made her in to that person. Shes been ill for a very long time. I don't think that those feelings could have gone it's just that she is just a shell of a woman that she was. No fight left. Seemed like no anger or hate left. Just sadness behind the eyes but very greatful sad

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 20:55:53

shayelle that's awful sad

Why did you go NC if you don't mind me asking ?

Shayelle Sat 28-Oct-17 21:03:36

Just be so careful as yes she will be sad, but just underneath is still all the boiling anger and hate. If shes anything like mine is anyway!!
I went NC with mine after a childhood full of emotional and physical abuse. Shes just a very messed up person. I tried to have a relationship with her and tried forgiving it all but when its constant hate directed at you you have to breakaway for the sake of your own sanity and mental health. Please just tread carefully. If you do wish to try and have some sort of relationship maybe dont have your children around her.. for a good 6 months, it wont take long before you see her true colours... or maybe its a miracle and she will have changed?! Good luck though 🍀

AGoodCupOfTea Sat 28-Oct-17 21:04:44

You say she’s medicated now, I just wanted to say how drastic mental health can change someone.

My mum has paranoid schizophrenia and without medication I don’t recognise her, she questions everything, down to the way someone pulls a face in a photo and stares at everyone with suspicion. She said some awful things to me as a kid about being raped and she hadn’t been diagnosed till shortly after.

She’s now medicated and she is a different person, she’s totally placid and normal and easily feels bad for anyone in need.

I think you could try to communicate with her and see how it goes but I would take one step of a time and not dive in too quickly.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin Sat 28-Oct-17 21:06:28

Your poor mother.

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 21:29:00

agoodcup that's really positive flowers

pom I know. I've never felt sorry for her but I do today

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Sat 28-Oct-17 22:02:48

You feel sorry for her, that's a positive step for your relationship please keep it as a baby step.

I found out recently my mum had died. I felt nothing, if anything it was a relief because it took away a fear of having to have a relationship with her or having to deal with the choice to see her again.

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 22:21:37

daily flowers

User02 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:18:26

Your mother has had a really bad cut in life. She was in the care system. She was "horrifically" sexually abused. Her daughter went NC for 13 years. I dont know why she was in care. I dont know who did the "horrific" sexual abuse or why but I do know who went NC when the poor woman needed all the support this world could have given her especially from her nearest and dearest

jeaux90 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:22:56

User you have no idea what abuse the OP's mother reigned down on her or her reason for going NC, your post is really stupid.

HashiAsLarry Sat 28-Oct-17 23:28:56

You went nc for a reason, and that's never easy.
Totally understand the need to not always hold someone to their past.
However, this is your dm and some roles become very defined and learned behaviours pop out.
Please take this slow.

iknowimcoming Sat 28-Oct-17 23:36:06

User02 - have my first ODFOD hmm

OP - as others have said just take it slowly flowers

pog100 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:36:33

User, what an utterly ridiculous and hateful post.

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 23:37:40

user my mother wasn't a pleasant women when we were growing up. My brother has two dragon tattoos on his back. They are symbollic to always keep the demons behind him. The demons are my mother and my step dad. He went NC too.

She had a terrible childhood but that caused to not to be able to show sustained nurturing feelings to us or behave as a responsible parent should. Which had a massive knock on effect on our self esteem, left us open to abuse and unable to form healthy relationships ourself.

I've had to see a psychotherapist myself to deal with some of the shit that happened.

She was badly damaged as a child which lead on to her badly damaging us, which led on to me making really bad choices with my first child.

I did a lot of self reflection, admitting my failures and forgiving myself. I think I've also started to forgive her - that's why I went and found her.

She was a terrible mother but she never had the chance to see what a good mother was like. Where does the buck stop?

Ninjawarriorfan Sat 28-Oct-17 23:39:39

Thank you every one for your considerate posts flowers

ArchchancellorsHat Sat 28-Oct-17 23:40:36

* I dont know who did the "horrific" sexual abuse or why* WTF - why?? What possible justification could there be?

And you don't know what happened to OP either. Sometimes people have to step away to protect themselves. I did the same thing and it was the only thing I could do. That was after years of trying to fix things, onesided, which I bet OP also did.

User02 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:47:36

I read that the Mother had been in a rotten childhood. I was never abused as a child. People are right to say that I do not know what child abuse is or even anything at all about it. I know I was lucky not to be in such a life.
When the mother had children she would not have had any knowledge to draw on to provide a good childhood for her children which is sad and wrong for both her and her children. It could not have had a good outcome. What I am seeing is that she did not know how to be a good mother but her children did not understand that she was struggling.
I was not abused as a child and I appreciate that I did have a good life. However the same can not be said about my life now. This is why I suggested that there could be a bit of understanding for a woman so abused she could not provide a good childhood for her children.
There are usually three sides to most stories. The one side the other side and the facts. I am not a hateful person but perhaps a bit (lot)disillusioned with how people treat each other.

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