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Have I done the right thing?

(44 Posts)
WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 17:25:01

Reposted from another board for traffic.....
Some opinions on my current situation would really help me out, so thanks in advance

Been seeing a chap for about 6 months.
We live around an hour apart. We have been seeing each other most weekends and usually an evening in the week too.
I really do like him, and was so surprised that someone like him would be interested in me, a single parent and all. He's very successful, intelligent, we share similar views and values and we have an absolute blast when we're together.

However, I've just finished things because of the distance. I have a 4 y/o DD who has just started school. He has recently bought a house which he is renovating and is his absolute pride and joy. This isn't a run of the mill renovation, its a beautiful old house and he is spending an absolute fortune restoring it.

So we both have reasons for staying where we are and as a result I just don't think the relationship could go anywhere.

My DD sees dad eow and for dinner once a week. She's just started school and made friends, has grand parents, cousins and extended family who are all within a mile or 2 of where we are now. My absolute priority is DD and I just couldn't consider moving her away from all that she knows and needs.

Also, moving would mean looking for a new job for me, I also would not know anyone and lose my support network. But I guess things would improve in time?

We were nowhere near having the 'moving in together' conversation but looking forward I just felt like I didn't want to keep going and getting more invested in the relationship if it just can't go to the next level.

BUT, I am absolutely devastated. Have I done the right thing??
I really don't think I'll meet anyone quite like him again, or at least that would be interested in me.
I feel almost bereft. Its fucking horrible.
Someone tell me I've done the right thing please. Its taking every fibre of my being not to message him and say I've changed my mind.

TheStoic Sat 28-Oct-17 17:31:37

How recently did you end it?

Many, if not most, people have doubts about breakups. This doesn’t mean they’ve made the wrong decision.

You had your reasons, and they still exist. When you think of the future, do you feel relief that you’ve ended it?

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 17:35:29

I ended it a few hours ago.

I guess looking years into the future it could have turned out well in the end, but it's the initial upheaval and possible effects it would have on DD, missing her family and dad and the works she knows that would have filled me with extreme guilt

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 17:37:29


rumred Sat 28-Oct-17 17:46:13

Sounds a bit premature. Not all relationships have to be cohabiting. Maybe you need to look at your expectations and blind spots

TheStoic Sat 28-Oct-17 17:49:41

Would there have to be upheaval? Is there a reason why you couldn’t enjoy the relationship as it is right now, for the first few years?

I’m asking that because it kind of sounds ideal to me, and is what my relationship is right now and will be for the foreseeable future.

But if it’s not the kind of relationship you want, you’ve done the right thing. You are allowing yourself to be open to the right relationship in the future.

Holdtightdontletgo Sat 28-Oct-17 17:51:30

It sounds like you could have given it a bit longer. Some people have a relationship like that for a long time while their children are young.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 17:54:25

I'm lonely essentially. I miss being with someone and properly sharing my life with someone. And that's what I wanted with him, eventually. But it just feels like we'd always be in our respective towns and it would remain casual as a result.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sat 28-Oct-17 17:54:53

An hour is nothing.
I used to spend that going round the North Circular when my then boyfriend lived near Brent Cross

TheStoic Sat 28-Oct-17 17:57:11

I think with a 4yo daughter, you should be taking it very slowly with integrating your life with someone else anyway.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 18:00:34

I would definitely take it incredibly slowly, they never met and I wouldn't have considered introducing them until I was sure it was a long term thing.

As I said, living together was never even bought up, but I just know I don't want a relationship that won't eventually end up as a cohabiting/sharing life together properly type thing.
And the only way that could happen is if I moved in the long term.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 18:13:05

Another important factor I should have added is that i would like to have another child at some point.
At 37 I'm aware of my dwindling fertility and worry that if I kept the relationship going for a couple of years and the situation stayed the same, I may miss that opportunity.
He's undecided about children right now, no strong feelings one way or the other. He doesn't have any children of his own

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sat 28-Oct-17 18:23:29

I think that you have done the right thing.
You thought it all out, and got out, before you got in too deep.
It's bound to hurt, but you've freed yourself up now, to meet someone like minded. You would like another child, he was unsure.
You've been very brave, and it will get easier. 💐

Cricrichan Sat 28-Oct-17 18:27:32

If it's just a house keeping him there it would be a lot easier for him to move to you. If he'd rather renovate a house than being in a relationship with you then he really isn't that interested.

For you it's not about just you. It's about your daughter and being close to her father and other family is important.

You did the right thing.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 18:31:01

That thought did occur to me. It is a huge project that will likely take several years, but him moving is just not on the cards.
I guess that says quite a lot really...

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 18:36:48

Also - he did say he would miss me terribly and he was gutted, but there wasn't really any fervent attempt to save it. He just kind of accepted it.
Perhaps he wasn't that invested after all?

Joysmum Sat 28-Oct-17 19:46:26

Did you discuss your thoughts and fears or just end it having already made the decisions soon?

DianaT1969 Sat 28-Oct-17 19:49:26

I commute an hour to work every day and another 1.5 hours to get home. Lots of people commute much longer. I can't understand why you finished it based on that.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 19:50:17

We did discuss it I guess, but its been in the back of my mind for a while and something clicked earlier when it just all came out.
Although he said he was gutted, he has just accepted it, so I'm guessing he wasn't really invested properly anyway

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 19:52:18

Its not my commute that's the issue.

If it was long distance with an end in sight, that's different but neither of us it appears would be prepared to uproot long term.

And if I did, it would come with all the associated problems/instability for DD mentioned earlier

Joysmum Sat 28-Oct-17 21:24:49

What do you mean you guess? Have you just mentioned it rather than discussing it?

If you’ve not fully discussed it and decided to end then I’d say you were premature and run the risk of him just stepping back respecting your decision.

WhatTheChickens Sat 28-Oct-17 21:36:46

When I said "both of us have our reasons to stay where we are and this isn't likely to change in the future" he agreed.
And that was that really. He would have said at that point if he was prepared to move, or if there was any compromise to be made?

springydaffs Sat 28-Oct-17 22:04:07

You've done the right thing!

He was nearly perfect but not quite. Next time might be perfect.

mikulkin Sat 28-Oct-17 22:25:43

I don't really understand your reasons for ending this. One hour distance is not really too far. Whenever it came to it you could have moved to his town and commuted. Your daughter is only 4 - she will have many friends and changes in her life and kids are resilient. And you wouldn't have moved her 200 miles away, you would have moved her 1 hour away. She would still have access to her dad, grandparents and everything.
And him accepting it, what would you expect? If you are so non-flexible so early in relationship, of course he would accept. You are saying you haven't even discussed moving in together. Would you expect him to fight for the relationship when moving in is not even on cards yet and you already ending it?
Just think this way. What if in 5 years you lose your job and get an amazing offer 1 hour away. Are you saying you would refuse it and sit without job in your town? Of course not, you will accept it and work around it. So how is this different? When it comes to moving together you will find a way. When there is a will there is a way.
I think you are just not ready for relationship and finding excuses. Sorry to be harsh, if I was you I would think again and call him if he is so amazing.

TheStoic Sat 28-Oct-17 23:00:41

When I said "both of us have our reasons to stay where we are and this isn't likely to change in the future" he agreed.
And that was that really. He would have said at that point if he was prepared to move, or if there was any compromise to be made?

Well he knew you were right, and presumably you’d both tried to think of potential compromises and couldn’t come up with any?

Were you kind of hoping that breaking up with him would shock him into saying he’d consider moving?

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