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Ghosted! How do I get my stuff back?

(76 Posts)
Superspooky Sat 28-Oct-17 16:41:14


It appears I've been ghosted after a happy 4 year LDR (mostly LD). I have some property at his that I'd like back.

I was hoping for some advice on how to get my stuff back when exDP won't engage at all.

I've emailed and texted suggesting some dates for me to collect and had radio silence.

His phone is ringing so I assume he is alive and well at least! he seems not to be answering withheld numbers.
Probably in case it's me which is really bloody sad and annoying. I've been very polite in my correspondence and haven't messaged or called excessively.

I have a key but understand that it may amount to trespass or leave me open to breach of the peace accusations if I just let myself in. I can't afford any trouble due to my job so really want to avoid entering his flat without consent. I don't think he would kick off but this whole episode is so out of character. The character I thought I knew anyway.

We don't really have truly mutual friends, rather we are friendly with each other's mates and I don't want to involve his family.

I was thinking of contacting one friend of his who lives near him and I have always got on well with to try and get confirmation of when I can collect my stuff but I don't have his email / phone details and never added him on Facebook (don't use it much). If I send him a fb message is it likely to go into the 'other' folder and never be read? is there a way of ensuring that doesn't happen? Obviously it'd be pretty embarrassing using a go between but better than being arrested.

His flat is about 4 hours away so a bit too far and expensive just to go and knock on without confirming he'll let me in or doesn't mind me letting myself in.

If be really grateful if anyone has any other suggestions!

Gemini69 Sat 28-Oct-17 16:44:44

knock on his door and ask for your things...... flowers

HotelEuphoria Sat 28-Oct-17 16:45:29

What stuff is it? Solicitors letter sent recorded delivery perhaps?

expatinscotland Sat 28-Oct-17 16:47:00

Do you know his work patterns? I'd go over there when I knew he was at work and get my stuff back. Alternatively, you'll need to see a solicitor.

HeyPesto55 Sat 28-Oct-17 16:51:49

Do you know where he works? I know you’re trying not to be too heavy handed but he is acting like a dick in not letting you collect your stuff. If I couldn’t get hold of a mutual friend, I’d email him at work or speak to a family member. What have you really got to lose?
TBH, I’d still want an explanation regardless of the stuff. That’s really bad behaviour for any grown man, especially after 4 years. I’m sorry you appeared to have wasted so long over an arsehole flowers

Anecdoche Sat 28-Oct-17 16:51:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seven201 Sat 28-Oct-17 16:52:18

Could you offer to pay for it to be posted? So tricky if he’s just not responding at all! Otherwise I’d go during a day you think he’s at work and use your key. Obviously just take what’s yours! How much stuff is there? Could you just right it off?

Rainbowglow Sat 28-Oct-17 16:53:12

I am sorry. What a shitty way to treat you. I would send a text telling him you will be coming over on XX day at XX to collect your possessions (if possible list the items so there can be no dispute you have taken something he later claims is his or you took without permission) and that you will leave his house keys.

Rainbowglow Sat 28-Oct-17 16:54:28

Perhaps send a text to his friend too.

gamerchick Sat 28-Oct-17 16:55:46

Yeah but 4 hours away just knocking might be a bit of a nightmare.

Is the stuff dead important/can’t be replaced? I think I would maybe write it off for closures sake.

Superspooky Sat 28-Oct-17 16:56:58

Hi all, thanks for your replies. Gemini thanks for the flowers. that'd be my first port of call but it'd be a long and expensive wasted journey if he wasn't in.

Hotel, it was clothes, some things I collect, a few electrical bits. Quite a few things with sentimental value he was storing in the loft. Would a letter be very expensive do you think?

Expat I do roughly know his patterns. That would be a last resort tho as I am really worried about consequences of breaking the law for my career!!

Hellywelly10 Sat 28-Oct-17 16:57:08

That's crappy. But I would go round there with someone to support me and get the stuff backnow or consider leting it go. What a coward.

BaDumShh Sat 28-Oct-17 17:02:59

So after 4 years he just ghosted you? No big drama, cheating, other horribleness involved?

If so, what a cunt.

hidinginthenightgarden Sat 28-Oct-17 17:07:31

I would ring the police and ask where you stand. Him withholding your stuff is as much illegal as you entering his property.
I suspect, as you are a key holder, if you give him notice that you will be collecting your things on X day, he won't have anything against you should he choose to complain.

Superspooky Sat 28-Oct-17 17:07:48

Tbh im kind of weighing up whether to just cut my losses and move on but the stuff is important to me. Especially the bits he is storing and on balance I would like to try and get it back.

I think your approach sounds sensible, rainbow and I'll certainly do that before going in without permission if it comes to it. It might be best to try the friend first tho just so if there is any trouble I can say I've exhausted all avenues.

He has been such a toe rag! I would never treat somebody with such disdain especially after so long.

JuniUmiZoomi Sat 28-Oct-17 17:08:15

Could you say I'll be there on $day at Xtime and if I don't hear from you I'll assume that's ok & I'll post the key back through? If that's not ok he'll reply. Sorry he's putting you through this

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 28-Oct-17 17:08:21

I would send him a message, either text or post or both stating that you will be coming for your stuff on x date at x time and if he is not in that you will be letting yourself in to retrieve it.

That way he has notice that you're doing it, you can then lock up behind you and post the key thru the letter box afterwards.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 28-Oct-17 17:09:06

x posted with lots of people grin

Dumbledoresgirl Sat 28-Oct-17 17:09:12

If just turning up when he is out and hoping to use the key, I would worry that he had changed the locks. Presumably he knows you have a key?is he not interested in getting that back, for the sake of his home insurance if nothing else.

In your situation, I would contact a family member or close friend. I think you can message people on fb without being friends. I mean, I know you can as I have done so recently.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 28-Oct-17 17:11:44

You have a key! Message him saying you're going to let yourself in X time and date, them at least you're informing him. Take a friend too.

lalalonglegs Sat 28-Oct-17 17:12:05

How obstructive is he likely to be? Would he, for example, change his locks if he thought you were going to let yourself in?

I've never been ghosted so forgive me if I'm being hopelessly naive but is there any chance he might be unwell/unable to reply? If not, he is a class A, rosette-winning swine.

Superspooky Sat 28-Oct-17 17:13:33

BaDum, we had a bit of an argument, nothing game changing such as cheating, both apologised and he asked for some space (row was about something he'd done / not done and we rarely argued). That was now a long time ago and my attempts to talk have been completely ignored. If he needed more time to himself or wanted to split, there was no reason he couldn't have said so.

meowimacat Sat 28-Oct-17 17:13:47

I would ask the friend, if he doesn't respond to your message (he should be notified you sent it even if in other messages)

After 4 years do you not know his family or enough friends near him that someone can surely go and collect it on your behalf or at least have a word with him? Totally out of order. I'm a bit of a ghoster but with creeps i've just met not people i've dated and certainly not for that amount of time.

hugs x

ProfessorCat Sat 28-Oct-17 17:15:26

How do you know he has ghosted you and nothing serious has happened to him?

notacooldad Sat 28-Oct-17 17:15:33

Well if you have a key and he hasn't asked for it back yet and he hasn't said said ^ you can't go in^ I would consider going round and getting the stuff back. If challenged maybe act surprised ' but I needed my stuff and you know I had a key to come in, I did try to get in touch but you kept ignoring me'

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