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DH has had an affair

(277 Posts)
threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 10:16:30

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

FluffyWhiteTowels Sat 28-Oct-17 10:22:08

Why oh why do they do it.

Sorry to hear. Give yourself time to think. You'll work out instinctively how you see your future. flowers

badsurname Sat 28-Oct-17 10:28:32

So sorry op. flowers

Wormulonian Sat 28-Oct-17 10:29:50

hackneyzoo I am so sorry for your loss. You have just been having one of the worst years of your life and your husband has let you down when you should have been his top priority not putting his own wants first.

I think that is what you need to think about - if you can forgive that ir will the resentment grow. Do you feel he is truly sorry and does he want to work on things or just have "things back to normal". On affair threads posters often recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Do you think you need to explore these issues in counselling for yourself and then joint counselling? Will he be willing to really work at that? I think he needs to want to go "above and beyond" to improve things and for as long as it takes. I don't think half hearted apologies will cut it in the long term. His affair does concern you (It was about me, not you- balderdash)He emotionally detached from you when you needed him to be there for you no matter if you were consumed by grief and not "servicing" his wants. Selfish

Pogmella Sat 28-Oct-17 10:30:50

Hi. I found out about my husband's affair on the anniversairy of my mum's death. I was desperate for him to stay (he immediately left and moved in with OW) as I don't have any family around and I felt so very alone.
I'm 8 weeks on and actually- I'm almost ok. I don't cry every day. I know I can do this. I didn't stop wanting him back until about 5 weeks in, no one else seemed to understand why I did but a lot of its shock and adjustment.
You don't need to get over him, you don't need to keep him either. Take time x

Pogmella Sat 28-Oct-17 10:34:01

Should have mentioned I have DD2. If you think you might want to split is reccome d negotiating terms while he feels guilty and getting it in an email.

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 10:42:23

Thank you for your replies. Pogmella sorry you have been through this too.

I'm just reeling. I found out on Monday but we had friends staying all week so we only had a chance to talk properly last night. And all I want to do is cry. But I can't as the kids are around.

I think he is sorry, he ended on Tuesday after I told him I'd read his texts on Monday. He says he loves me. But he's not behaved like he has. He wants to make it up to me. I don't know how though. He wants me to tell him what to do.

I've just had grief councelling with cruise and TBH it wasn't that helpful for me. I feel I am processing my grief and understand where I'm at and was slowly getting through each day and feeling greatful for what I have and for the time I had with my sister.

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 10:42:55

And now I don't know where I am at.

Pogmella Sat 28-Oct-17 10:52:02

Hackney I had about 5 weeks off work in the immediate aftermath. I think it's just going to be about getting through each day for a few weeks i'm afraid, you really wont know how you feel.

We immediately negotiated the terms of my split as he was lying that he might come back and I wanted to know what both scenarios looked like.

I hate to tell you but it's really common for more stuff to come out over time. Mine initially confessed texts and kisses and then as I replayed the past few months and Remembered some nights he was out til 4/5 admitted going back to hers.

Have you told anyone? I was overwhelmed by support from friends. Just talking it over and over was by far the most helpful thing x

GinandGingerBeer Sat 28-Oct-17 10:58:01

You poor love, you’ve been through so much, you don’t have to make any decisions right now, just concentrate on getting through today, wait until your guests have gone and see where you go from there.
It’s still very very early on in the grief cycle for you, I have lost my sister too, also to cancer which spread to her brain and I know just how hard that is.
But I promise you this, you will be happy again, honestly you will, your kids will get you through just as mine did, much as we would like to crawl under the duvet and stay there, we can’t.
The additional betrayal from your husband is just so fucking selfish, I hope he is begging you to stay with him and not giving you lame excuses or trying to blame yours or his grief on his chosen actions.
One day at a time, you’ll get through it flowers

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 10:59:07

I really want to tell someone but lots of our friends are mutual and I feel almost ashamed that he has done this. Like it's my fault.
I did search his phone and emails and there was nothing there other than the texts I saw and a pretty non eventful email exchange about music.
He said it was mainly texting and a few meeting just for a coffee/pint. She has kids and a husband and works as An assistant head in a big school so I don't think there was actually time or opportunity for anything to happen. But it probably would have if there had been.
How can people do this to their children?
Have I made him so unhappy he had to look elsewhere.
He says I hadn't and he loves me and he wasn't looking for this to happen it just did. Etc. he hadn't behaved like he loves me. And now I can't trust him.

FritzDonovan Sat 28-Oct-17 11:02:04

So sorry, OP. You've had a crap year.
Have just commented on a similar thread and what strikes me reading yours directly after, is that maybe if the betrayed partners kicked back more, it would make ppl think a bit more before they went ahead and ruined lives for the sake of an illicit sexual thrill. (If I had known what i know now at certain points in my life, i would make an effort to speak out and shame the selfish twats involved.)
Theres no point keeping the grimy secret for your dh. I'd make sure her partner knows not because of 'revenge' (which I'm sure someone would be thinking), but because I would want to know in his position. Both your dh and ow need to face up to what they have done and take full responsibility. Seeing how he deals with this will show whether he values your, his, or her feelings most.

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 11:13:46

I don't have the energy to make this public. The OW has children too and a husband, I do want to tell him but I don't think it's fair. It's not fair what they've done in the first place. And this is about me and my relationship, not hers.
I have spoken to my best mate but she lives in Australia and I live in NE England, so can't go round for a glass of wine and a hug.
It's a very lovely friend of mines birthday tonight and we are meant to be going out with her and her partner and some other friends. The kids are going to MIL's for the night. It's a ticketed event and I don't want to let her down so we will have to fake it through that. Or I might just go by myself.
So far today he's still in bed where as I hardly slept. So that's not boding well is it?

NeganLovesLucille Sat 28-Oct-17 11:23:04

Of course you can't trust him my love. He should have been suporting you through an awful year. Instead he was thinking of his own selfish desires.
I am ashamed to say that I have been unfaithful in my first marriage many years ago. I too felt guilty and would have done anything to save my marriage after I confessed. Howevr, this did not last and in a few short years, I had done it again and knew that i could never keep the marriage going.

What I a trying to say is that if someone has done it once, then they are likely to do it again, no matter how bad they feel about it in the immediate aftermath.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally ashamed and wished that I had not done it, but now that I am in a different marriage (18 years) I have never and would never do it to my husband.

I hope this makes sense. If they do it you once, they will probably do it again.

queencerulean Sat 28-Oct-17 12:16:42

Oh op, I feel for you and am reaching out with a big hug. I’m a week into finding out about h affair. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling with all your grief on top.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been reading mumsnet for years. It has made me realise that this is not my fault. And not your fault. They chose to do it.

Holding it together for the kids is so damn hard especially when they’re crying for him. I want to scream and shout at them for still wanting him but I just about hold it together and act with dignity. I’ve figured it’s ok for them to see me upset but not to see me bitter.

I have no words of wisdom for you, just hand holding. It astonishes me just how many partners cheat, it’s just such despicable behaviour.

Stay strong.

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 12:44:16

Thanks for your replies and I am sorry for all the other people this is happening to too.

I don't know what to think. I think he has told the truth but how can I trust him? He only confessed because I found out.

He has been thinking of someone else for the last two months where I have been trying to keep my shit together, going to work every day, crying most of the way there because I miss my sister, having horrible dreams and flash backs of being with her when she died and how she died, and I have just about managed to do this, be a good mum and do my job, only just. Last week before all this I thought maybe things are starting to get a little bit better. And now this.

Has anyone every come back from this in thier marriage? Can it work again? How do you make it work?

I feel like I want him to talk through every detail of what they did and where and when.

I feel like I'm in some kind of weird dream.

lilymty Sat 28-Oct-17 17:42:17

I'm 8 months on from finding out. Things are up & down. I too want to know everything that happened but my couseller has said it will not help me. It's hard work but I feel we are stronger than before.

MotherOfTwoDragons Sat 28-Oct-17 18:00:16

I see many folks on here who decided to stay and work on their marriage after their OH cheated. Why? Why would you do that to yourself? In some bizarre way, I can understand staying for the kids and having a mutual agreement that the marriage is over, leading separate lives. But going to counselling to save your marriage is like flogging a dead horse, when it’s you doing all the hard work, processing your emotions, trying to get back your trust. The partner does nothing except make the right noises, says sorry, ‘analyses’ why they did it and you have to, after a period of time, just suck it up and say that you trust them again. But do you ever really?....So why?! Well, there’s history, the kids, the house etc etc, you say, but who put a spanner in all that? Not you, it’s your cheating tw@t of a partner! Maybe I’m not big enough to deal with this type of scenario but staying would be just as miserable as going so I would just walk...

Wormulonian Sat 28-Oct-17 19:05:30

Motheroftwodragons makes a good point. I have two friends who stayed and tried to make things work with counselling. The problem was that the counselling seemed to want to apportion "joint" blame which led to the husband feeling his actions were vindicated. Friend 1 had been spending long stretches of time at the hospital with their DC who had lukemia and friend 2 like you had suffered a close breavement. Their husbands had felt detached and had affairs for a bit of "light relief".

Friend 1 decided to end the relationship and friend 2 stayed.SFriend 2 said that initially she felt they "were stronger" for working on things together but after a year or so her husband didn't try so hard - it was fixed wasn't it? 10 years on she has her doubts - she says it fundamentally changed her - she no longer has a blind faith that husband has her back and her heart never sings when she hears his key in the door as it once did and he doesn't seem heartbroken like her that that is how things are, he feels it is more grown up to feel a bit detached from one another.

Only you can decide what to do. Take your time there is no rush - really reflect on things and give yourself time and space to grieve for your relationship and your DS - it doesn't all have to be sorted right here and now. Be kind to yourself show self compassion and try to eat a little and stay hydrated.

Clitoria Sat 28-Oct-17 19:30:03

He needs to be doing ALL of the work, willingly being utterly transparent and honest and answering all of your questions at any time, examining what it is about himself that he felt entitled to go and fuck a mistress, lie to his wife, spend family money on his mistress, break his vows. Why hasn't he already done this? Booked some kind of counselling to make himself be less of an utter dickhead, gone for an STD test? Nah, instead he's lying in bed scratching his nob, sleeping soundly.

Just at the very worst time of your life, when you really needed him to have your back, support you and make you feel loved and safe and cherished through the hell you've endured, he was off ramming his nob into someone else. Utter, utter vermin. Shout it from the rooftops about what kind of person you have in your house-he fucks mistresses when his wife's loved ones are dying. It can't get much lower than that. Unforgivable.

threeandmeandthedog Sat 28-Oct-17 19:42:47

I looked at his emails. He's sent her loads of fucking love songs. When they ended it on Tuesday she sent a word document back telling him that she loved him and had done for the last 28 years. But for the sake of both of thier marriages and their children it she agreed it must stop.
He also emailed his work account with her phone number.
I co fronted him .....again.... and explained that he has lied again. He says he loves her. It's possible to love two people. She is in a marriage of 23 years. Etc. all the cliches that I've read on here before. He's sorry.
But he said e was telling me everything earlier and he wasn't. I read his emails and there was more.
He says there was no sex. I can't actually think of how it would be possible logistically but I don't trust him any more.
Fuck the sex anyway, he's sent love songs to another woman, he loves some one else. And me also apparently.
He's also got defensive when I suggested meeting her and introducing myself and explains what I have gone through this year and showing her a picture of our children.
How can I ever know if this won't happen again? Every time his phone goes will it be her or someone else?
He even said why would I , yes I , want to ruin her marriage by telling her husband. I pointed out to him they'd already done that.
Now he wants me to decide what to do. Should he come out with me tonight? Should he stay here? Do I want him to go or stay?
Actually I wanted him not to be a week spineless bastard who could throw away his marriage. Now he claims he's worried that it will get back to the kids if I mention it to friends. He's not told anyone. Arsehole. I need fucking support. And not from him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 28-Oct-17 20:01:09

Tell people, you need support. Email their messages to her husband and let him and her know you’ve done so. Don’t keep their grubby secret.

MotherOfTwoDragons Sat 28-Oct-17 20:04:21

flowers. Time to start telling people IRL so you can get proper support. Don’t deprive yourself of this because of the awakwardness it will cause him. He needs to learn that actions have consequences and you need all the help you can get to get through this. Keep posting here, plenty of support to be had from MN. As far tonight is concerned, I think you need space...tell him to go somewhere else for a bit...

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sat 28-Oct-17 20:09:29

And tell him to move out. Take the initiative. The marriage you have is over, he’s destroyed it, and he needs to understand that. Once you’ve both had some time and space — I’d be thinking months, not days — you can decide if there’s any prospect of building a new relationship flowers

Dozer Sat 28-Oct-17 20:17:44

Am really sorry he has done this, and that given your grief over your sister and other family members, commute to work and exhaustion with it all, separating will mean a LOT of very difficult stuff to sort out.

But separation seems necessary when he let you down hugely, at the worst possible time, is still stuck in a fantasy and is lying to you. He could still pick up and drop off the DC. Would he agree to move out?

If you decide to separate a little time off sick or on compassionate leave might help you organise some of the practical stuff.

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