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How do you know when you've met the right person?

(58 Posts)
Lexia123 Sat 28-Oct-17 01:11:52

Just that really. After several failed relationships I'm more confused than ever! What makes a relationship go the distance and not just fizzle out when you're not on the same page?

Starting to believe I'll ever meet somebody to be with long term! I find it really hard to trust that anybody would want to commit long term, so it's hard to be optimistic I think.

RandallFloyd Sat 28-Oct-17 01:19:36

For me, it was the first time I'd gone on a date and really liked someone but not felt all that butterflies and fireworks nonsense.

He just felt like home.

GrockleBocs Sat 28-Oct-17 01:24:31

It's like exhaling after holding your breath. Or flopping into a comfy sofa after a day on your feet. With a bit of not eating and nerves for the first few dates grin

Fluffybrain Sat 28-Oct-17 01:25:25

Yes being with them feels like home
It’s not about chemistry. It’s a feeling of being completely yourself. Not having to put on an act or please them or not offend them. It’s a feeling of knowing that you are enough.

DiscoDeviant Sat 28-Oct-17 01:28:14

When you know, you know. I fell in love at first sight at the age of 43. It was like a thunderbolt. I had always scoffed at that idea but it happened to me. I was in a 20 year unhappy marriage with a man who cheated at least six times. I had tried to pluck up the courage to leave him for years. I met a friend of an old friend and we stayed up talking all night and the next day he said he was in love with me. We lived 200 miles from each other and we talked on the phone every day. I tried to fight it for about a week as I was worried I might be making more of it because I was so unhappy. One night I thought 'I can't fight this anymore' he came down to stay in a hotel and we had dinner. It was what we thought it was and I ended my marriage the next day. 14 months on I'm happier than I thought possible.

Apileofballyhoo Sat 28-Oct-17 01:31:54

When you are both on the same page you feel it. And yes to feeling home.

DiscoDeviant Sat 28-Oct-17 01:32:58

Absolutely yes to feeling like you've come home. I felt that and my boyfriend said it to me the first night

RandallFloyd Sat 28-Oct-17 01:46:48

I think all that stomach flipping stuff is peddled so much that we're conditioned to believe that that's what it should be. That you can't have passion and excitement without it.

But in reality who wants to feel constantly unsettled? The right person should make you feel calm and feel like all that nonsense in your gut has finally settled.

It doesn't mean you don't the get the throw down and the thrills it just means the that that isn't all there is. Your normal is someone who makes you feel like your best you. Someone who when you look at them doesn't make your stomach churn, they make you feel warm and safe and make all the noise in your head go silent.

DiscoDeviant Sat 28-Oct-17 01:58:08

For me it wasn't a flipping stomach. It was a combination of feeling like he got me exactly, and me him. I could be myself in a way that I couldn't before. And the passion has to be there too. It's when everything just feels right.

mindutopia Sat 28-Oct-17 07:54:42

I think you should instantly have fun, connect with each other, ‘get’ each other, and you should feel valued and respected and listened to. A lot of it is just finding a really good friend, but one you share similar values with and life goals. But I don’t think you’ll ‘know’ all or any of that initially. Mostly it just shouldn’t be hard work and you shouldn’t have to think too hard about it.

When I first met my husband, I had absolutely no inclination that he was ‘the one,’ in fact it was absolutely not something I considered at all for about 6 months. I had many serious relationships before him (when I did instantly wonder if they were the one), but I was just not at that place when I met him. We were both working abroad in a very small expat community and there was also 7 years difference in our ages (I had just turned 28 and he was 21). To me it was just a casual thing that would end when we moved home the next year. It stayed relatively casual for 6 months and then we went through a really awful series of events together (nearly being caught up in a terrorist attack, another frightening and violent incident directed at both of us, working with the police and legal ramifications from this, some immigration issues as a result, all in a fairly challenging developing country). It was just a really frightening, stressful couple months but we did it all together. I think we realised this was it for us when we came out the other end stronger and realising that if we could survive that and be closer than ever, then we could survive anything (including several years of a long distance relationship, we lived in opposite sides of the world). I don’t know how long it would have taken us to see this under normal circumstances. Maybe we wouldn’t have? I don’t know.

But we absolutely did not feel that way to start and not for 6 months. Mostly we just were really good friends and had more fun with each other than anyone else. And I think key for me was he was dependable and was who he said he was and did what he promised. If he said we’d meet up after work, we did and he was there on time. If he promised to text me when he got home, he did. If we went out, even in a big group, he spent the evening with me, like he didn’t wander off getting other girls numbers or disappear or ignore me. If we made plans to go do something at the weekend, he never cancelled and was there to pick me up just like he said. That’s the only thing that I genuinely noticed was different from any other guy I’d dated from the start.

Lexia123 Sat 28-Oct-17 10:06:53

Thank you for all your stories, it's really nice to hear them. I'd imagine it's a feeling of calmness and never having to second guess and wonder what's happening next. I seem to get caught up in the big issues and then it all disappears!

FluffyWhiteTowels Sat 28-Oct-17 10:16:27

I agree the feeling like its home and calming. I didn't have to guess whether he would contact in the early days. He did what he said, and more. And he said likewise. We enjoy the same things. It's just so very easy and relaxing and fun.

Good luck and trust your instincts.

MiniTheMinx Sat 28-Oct-17 10:20:33

Never having to second guess their intentions. No drama and no games.

I knew from day one, he did too and he made certain I knew how he felt. By date two he had reorganised his work life so we could, in his words "have a proper relationship"

But yes, I still had butterflies, what felt a little bit like anxiety. It wasn't accompanied by doubts though. Within a few weeks I knew I wanted this to last a lifetime, I didn't say it, he did though.

Only in retrospect can I say it's like finding home.

TammyswansonTwo Sat 28-Oct-17 12:56:32

For me, absolute trust in him. I've had a difficult time with men, several in a row assaulted me and left me struggling to trust men at all. My husband and I started out as friends and I trusted completely that he would never hurt me at a time when I didn't trust anyone. I was absolutely right. Even years on I would feel excited to get home and see him. If something happens, good or bad or funny or strange or upsetting, he's the first person I want to tell. He feels like my other half, quite literally.

Polarbearflavour Sat 28-Oct-17 13:01:52

After our first date, I said to my flatmate that he was the man I was going to marry. I just knew.

Okay we aren’t quite there yet but slowly getting there! I feel very comfortable with him we just click. No drama. It just works somehow!

Lexia123 Sun 29-Oct-17 01:56:05

Those things are so lovely! I've had lots of those too, but it's not worked out with anybody yet ...

skankingpiglet Sun 29-Oct-17 03:04:02

I had already known for a long time, but it was totally sealed when my DM told me she thought he was "a keeper". She had always been very neutral about previous BFs. For me though it was the calm, contentment, thoughtfulness, and belly laughs.
As for the giddy-in-love feeling, I had that for the first few years. He'd constantly make my stomach flip, and still does occasionally now 11yrs later (a 1yo and 3yo limit the stomach-flipping opportunities these days!).

Pannnn Sun 29-Oct-17 04:06:03

Utterly a bog yes to feeling lime home. After lots of coffee dates I said to her (male here) that it feels like I am walking toward home, and when I proposed in August I did say it felt like I had arrived. Very luckily...she feels the same way and said yes.
It's also a fakt and helps that in December I am marrying THE most beautiful woman in the world. All this after wandering past the 50 yo mark.

You'll know and won't need to ask.

Pannnn Sun 29-Oct-17 04:06:59

A bog yes?????????

Erm..BIG!!

Pannnn Sun 29-Oct-17 04:09:02

Lime?????
This phone keyboard doesn't love me.....

EasterRobin Sun 29-Oct-17 06:31:17

The relationship that lasted for me is the one that felt the easiest. Our brains work in very similar ways, so we often think the same, laugh at the same jokes, and sometimes finish each other's sentences.

Pregosaurus Sun 29-Oct-17 06:37:59

For me it really was thunderbolt, stomach flipping etc. And 11.5 years and two children later, I still feel weak at the knees every time he gets home from work.

Wasn’t a smooth ride to get here, but there was never any question in my mind that he was the right person for me. Never felt even half what I feel for DP for anyone else.

ellesbellesxxx Sun 29-Oct-17 06:45:27

Totally echo feeling like home!
Also it was easy. No wondering should I tExt, no games, no cancellations.. we would meet up, we would get the next date booked in, I would get a text saying he couldn't wait to see me.
It's just like in sex and the city when Burger tells Miranda there are no mixed messages

meltingmarshmallows Sun 29-Oct-17 06:57:33

Hate to use the cliche but when you know, you know. I felt I could be more myself than I had ever been.

RaindropsAndSparkles Sun 29-Oct-17 07:05:14

Met him at a ball. It was a frisson of excitement. Same table, both with other people. We sat down, I looked at his name place and from absolutely nowhere, "I shall marry you" came into my head. We danced, it tingled. I gave myself a talking to. It was very late November. He broke up with his g/f over Christmas. He phoned me in the NY, he remembered where I worked in the days when you had to look people up. We had a date. It was lovely, he was a gentleman and said he'd like to see me again. I went to Chicago and we spoke on the phone. We went on a 2nd date - theatre (Miss Saigon - we'd both recently been to Madam Butterfly) dinner after and he held my hand. From our 2nd date we've never really been apart except for business trips. We have been married for more than 26 years and I still live him a little more each day. Every night he says he hugs me before we go to sleep and every morning he gives me another hug and tells me again.

We were late 20s when we met so had had other significant others.

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